Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Tips for Getting Others Off the Ledge

1. Don’t Wait – De-EscalateTips for Getting Others Off the Ledge Darrell Benson President, EMLOA

2. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNjqZnyf1JE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPv71xpYFAo

3. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate The rise in abusive behavior towards game officials is becoming a very serious concern with state high school athletic associations

4. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate As a sport officiating organization EMLOA has 3 key areas of responsibility • Recruitment of new officials • Training and Development of new and veteran officials • Retention of trained officials, both new and veteran

5. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate EMLOA does a pretty good job with item #2 but, like many sport officials associations around the country, is struggling with items #1 and #3 • Recruitment of new officials • Training and Development of new and veteran officials • Retention of trained officials, both new and veteran

6. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Leading causes of attrition among sports officials organizations • Family/Job • Verbal Abuse from Parents and Coaches • Low fees

7. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Leading causes of attrition among sports officials organizations • Family/Job • Verbal Abuse from Parents and Coaches • Low fees

8. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate • Who in the room has experienced a serious, contentious situation during a lacrosse game?

9. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Red Flags for problems • Rivalry game - could be another sport • High Profile game • Low stakes (“nothing to lose”) game • Lop-sided game • Town, Coach, Player reputation

10. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Signs of Conflict Escalation Anticipating potential conflict is important, and there are many verbal and non-verbal cues to watch for as situations unfold. • A coach or player clenching their fists or tightening and untightening their jaw • A sudden change in body language or tone used during a conversation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjDRu5UnSE4 • The person starts pacing or fidgeting • A change in the type of eye contact • The “rooster stance”—chest protruding out more and arms more away from the body • Disruptive behaviors, such as yelling, bullying, actively defying or refusing to comply with rules

11. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Don’t let it wait - The sooner the better. • Officials should maintain the flow of the game. No one wants a team to gain a competitive advantage due to a prolonged discussion with the coach. Address the issue at hand professionally and quickly. • The key to de-escalating conflict is punctuality. The sooner conflict is identified, the more quickly it can be resolved. If you avoid resolution, a majority of conflicts only get worse over time. When this is accomplished calmly and objectively, many areas of conflict can be eliminated. However, the more you prolong it, the worse the conflict will get. • Nothing helps divert conflict better than a prepared official who knows the rules, maintains a professional appearance and respects others. Conflict will always occur, and when it does, you’ll be ready to handle it in a positive and skilled manner.

12. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate TO HEAR OR NOT TO HEAR It’s one of officiating’s great conundrums: How can you listen to the legitimate complaints of coaches, players and even fans without hearing too much? WHAT GROUPS OF PEOPLE ARE USUALLY INVOLVED IN CONFLICTS WITH OFFICIALS DURING SPORTING EVENTS? There are three groups of people with opinions on how officials are doing the job. Each is unique, and each must have its own set of boundaries.

13. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate The Fans • Fans are the most maddening, and sometimes the most amusing, group of people who want to “comment” on our skills. Simply put, if you spend any time listening or giving significant credibility to what fans say, you are bound to hurt your game. • Keep in mind, few fans know much about the rules or mechanics you are applying. Let their comments fall to the ground with no reaction.

14. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate The Players • The key to communication with players is what they say and how they say it. • In virtually every game, you can anticipate players complaining they were held, their arm was slapped, etc. If players bring something to your attention in a respectful manner, give it a listen and reassure them you’ll take a look as you are able. • If, on the other hand, the comment is disrespectful, personal or brings your judgement into question, it is time to act more forcefully. Don’t hesitate in those situations or the game can spiral out of control quickly.

15. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate The Coaches • While some coaches can be categorized as chronic complainers, as a group they know the game better than the other groups. Coaches, then, are the people to whom we must give our greatest attention. • Most of the rules that apply to player-official communication also apply to coach official communication. As fellow adults, most officials tend to give coaches one “courtesy notice” if their communication is approaching or has crossed the line. • Vulgarity and personal attacks require instant responses. But if a coach is asking a legitimate question in a calm, respectful manner, don’t feel threatened. If a coach asks what you saw on a play, give an honest answer. If the tone turns sarcastic or demeaning, respond firmly and appropriately. Stay in charge. • Communications experts will tell you there is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is physiological; we can’t prevent sound waves from entering our ears during a game. Listening, on the other hand, is a conscious choice. It requires our intent and attention. That is something good officials choose to engage in at the right times.

16. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Remember that words matter • Using hostile language or words that are pretentious is simply asking for trouble. Choose your words and phrasing carefully so as not to put an edgy coach on the defensive. “What’s the problem, Coach?” could easily be replaced by the much less threatening, “How can I help you, Coach?” Delivery matters, too • Even the most carefully selected turn of phrase can elicit an unwanted response if it’s delivered with dripping sarcasm. Officials are often as passionate as the players and coaches. Take a deep breath and try to keep the tone friendly and encouraging, not demeaning and impatient.

17. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate But before you speak, shut up and listen • Poor listeners are masters of creating their response while the other person is talking. The result is an ever-widening gap between the messenger and the message. Actively listen to what the coach has to say Know when you don’t know • Rulebooks in any sport are full of complexity. No one knows all of the rules. Chances are there is at least one other official around. Seek counsel before stating something of which you’re not positive. Respect the role of the coach • Coaches want to win. If they don’t, they get fired. Granted, officials can lose assignments for incorrect calls, but there are a lot more coaches out there who depend on a paycheck for their work than there are officials who make a living solely on the field or court.

18. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate 8 Easy Tips for Successful De-escalation • Don’t be a jerk - Be the person who diffuses a tense situation, not the person who causes trouble. • Start out nice, you can get tough later, don’t start out tough because you can’t get nice later • Communicate – Listen before you speak, stay calm when you speak • Don’t Argue

19. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate 8 Easy Tips For Successful De-escalation (cont) • Be the 58 year old you, not the 18 year old you • Don’t take it personally, don’t make it personal • Don’t show up angry • Don’t compromise yourself or your partner

20. Don’t Wait – De-Escalate Questions?? Discussion