Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices, and Constraints Seventh Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis

1. Marriages and Families:Changes, Choices, and ConstraintsSeventh Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis Chapter Ten Marriage and Communication in Intimate Relationships

2. Why Do People Marry? In our culture, we assume that people get married because they love each other. In fact, the principal reasons for marriage reflect moral or religious views and social norms that it’s the right things to do. We marry for a variety of reasons.

3. Some of the “Right” Reasons for Getting Married Love and companionship—the single greatest attraction of marriage is continuous, intimate companionship with an intimate partner. Children—a very traditional reason for getting married. Adult identity—you have finally “grown up”! Commitment and personal fulfillment—an overwhelming number of Americans (88%) say marriage should be a life-long commitment. Continuity and permanence—marriage promises stability!

5. Some “Wrong” Reasons for Getting Married Social legitimacy—getting married to legitimate an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Social pressure—sometimes parents pressure their children that haven’t married, especially if they are pregnant. Economic security—some marry others for their money—typically these marriages don’t last. Rebellion or revenge—young people sometimes do this to their parents. Practical solutions to problems—these types of relationships tend not to last either.

6. What Do We Expect from Marriage? Marriage rituals are a cultural rite of passage in almost every culture. Traditionally,an engagement formalizes a couple’s decision to marry. It sends a “hands off” message to other interested parties. It gives both partners a chance to become better acquainted with their future in-laws. It provides each partner with information about a prospective spouse’s medical conditions. It legitimates secular or religious premarital counseling. It signals the intent to make the union permanent.

7. The Wedding Typically legalizes and legitimizes the marriage to family, friends, and witnesses. Does a marriage last longer if it is traditional? There are no national data, but family practitioners emphasize that the wedding is less important than the marriage.

8. Love and Prenuptial Agreements Prenuptial agreements are common among the very wealthy. There are advantages and disadvantages to prenuptial agreements.

9. Types of Marriages Types of Marriage in the United States On the basis of a study of 400 upper-middle-class Cuber and Haroff (1965) identified five types of marriages.

10. Types of Marriages Conflict-habituated marriage—the partners both fight verbally and physically but do not believe that fighting is a good reason for a divorce.

11. Passive-congenial marriage—the partners have a low emotional investment in their marriage and have low expectations of each other. Fairly independent of each other, they often find intimacy in other relationships. They often both maintain separate activities and interests. Types of Marriages

12. Devitalized marriage—the partners were deeply in love when they married. As the years go by, they spend their time together raising children, entertaining, and meeting community responsibilities, but begin to do so out of obligation rather than love. Types of Marriages

13. Vital marriage—the partners’ lives are closely intertwined. They spend a great deal of time together, resolve conflicts through comprise, and often make sacrifices. They consider sex pleasurable and necessary. Types of Marriages

14. Total marriage— similar to a vital marriage, but more encompassing. Partners participate in each other’s lives at all levels and have few areas of tension or hostility. Types of Marriages

15. What Is Important in a Successful Marriage? Compatibility Flexibility Positive attitude Communication and conflict resolution Emotional support

17. Cross-Cultural Variations in Marriage Types LAT (Living Apart Together) Example: China—men work temporarily in nearby urban areas while women and children stay in the rural areas.

18. Marital Success and Happiness Social scientists studied people who had been married over 50 years. They all had one important thing in common—a sense of humor.

19. Are Married Couples Happy? As an overall group, women tend to be less happy in marriages than men. Because happiness is a self-reported and subjective measure, it’s impossible to know how respondents define it in marriage.

20. How Does Marriage Affect Health? Health benefits of marriage: Selection Effect—Healthy people are attracted to other healthy people, thus they select to be with others who are healthy. Protection Effect—Marriage itself makes people healthier. Receiving emotional, social, and financial support actually helps make people healthier.

21. Gender and Health Many studies report that women are less healthy than men who are married. On average, women live longer than men, but unlike husbands, many wives experience depression and other health problems. Why are husbands healthier? They enjoy emotional capital, because wives promote nurturance. If their wives work more than 40 hours a week, however, their husbands are less healthy than other husbands.

22. Marital Quality and Health Marriage and life satisfaction—generally married people tend to be happier than unmarried people because marriage makes an already happy life better. Troubled marriages—the quality of our marriages is critical for our emotional and physical well-being.

23. Marital Roles Marital roles are the specific ways in which we interact—it defines the behavior and the structure of the marriage. New roles—whether his marriage is better than hers is debatable, but there are many gender differences in modern marriage roles.

24. Marital Roles Wifework includes: Performing up to ¾ of the unpaid housework Assuming total responsibility for the husband’s emotional caretaking Taking full responsibility for child care and drudgework Monitoring his physical well-being Preparing meals tailored to his tastes Maintaining his extended family relationships

25. More Roles Marriage also increases the number of roles that each partner performs, thereby raising the possibility of role conflict.

26. Gender The amount of housework that American women and men do has changed considerably. Men do considerably more housework now than they did in the past. However, of the two, women are doing considerably more than their husbands.

28. Children Child rearing is highly rewarding, but it is also a 24-hour, 7-day job! It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Women do more housework and men do less when the children arrive. Social class—the division of household labor also has to do with social class. The higher a wife's socioeconomic class the more likely it is that her husband will help with the tasks.

29. Domestic Rolesand Marital Quality Men are usually happy in their marriage when there’s greater equality in decision-making but not in housework. Women are happier when there’s greater equality in decision-making and when the spouses share more equally in the housework. What happens when there is a gender gap in domestic roles? In time, women feel worn out and may become dissatisfied with the relationship.

30. How Marriages Change Throughout the Life Course The Early Years After the vows—the first year involves basic adjustment. One adjustment for both is the new basic roles of husband and wife. One new basic role for both includes setting the role above all others. Settling in—if both partners grew up in a home where there was equality, they are much more likely to share in everything equally.

31. Young Children Socializing children takes enormous time and patience. Families with young children spend much of their time living up to cultural expectations. Adolescents—raising adolescents is difficult. The chance of family stress increases as the child gets older.

32. Marriage at Midlife The most common adjustment at midlife is divorce and remarriage. Intergenerational ties—Our family of origin plays a significant role in shaping our values over our lifetime.

33. Relationshipswith the In-Laws After couples marry, the most squabbles are between the female in-laws. Brides may feel that they don’t yet know their place in the family. We don’t have clearly delineated roles for what elders in our society elders are supposed to do. Tension is compounded because of generational differences, particularly after the birth of a grandchild.

34. Marriage in Later Life Many older couples describe their marriage as the best years of their lives. They have developed trust and intimacy over the years but in later life another adjustment has to be made—retirement and new life goals. Adjustment to retirement can be difficult for some, especially for men when their jobs have generally been their identity.

35. Communication Communication is a key to successful relationships. Our most intimate communication is usually with our families, but being able to communicate well among our friends and others can help as well.

36. Sex Differences in Communication Males and females do communicate differently, but just how differently is still up for debate. Women tend to use more communication to develop relationships. Women talk more on average per a day. Men tend to use less words per day and they give speech to get special points across.

37. What Do CouplesFight About? Men complain that women give them the silent treatment, bring up things the men have done in the remote past, are too critical and stubborn in never giving in. Women complain that men forget important dates, don’t work hard enough at their jobs, nosily burp or pass gas, and stare at other women.

38. Money Nationally, 51% of American don’t talk about money before marriage and another 4% lie about their finances. In another national survey, 84% of couples said that money creates tension in their marriage several times a week or more.

40. Housework There is considerable concern over housework and who has to do it. 24% of husbands and 31% of wives say that household chores are a major source of friction in their household.

41. Fidelity and Sex In practically every recent national survey, sexual infidelity is at the top of the list of concerns that couples have.

42. Children Children can cause tremendous joy and tremendous strain on a relationship. Partners need to talk about parenting before they have a child.

43. Conflict Conflict is normal, but how a couple deals with it is important. Resolution approaches: Intimate couples typically use four techniques to end, though not necessarily resolve, conflict.

44. Conflict Accommodation—one person submits to the other. Compromise—partners find a middle ground. Standoff—the disputants drop the argument without resolving it. Withdraw—the disputant can refuse to continue with the argument.