Mastering Your INTERPERSONAL Mindset Class #4 Neuroscience of Effective Speaking and Listening

1. Mastering Your MindsetMark Waldman: Chief Science Officer, PraxisNowFaculty, College of Business, Loyola Marymount University

2. Mastering Your INTERPERSONAL MindsetClass #4Neuroscience of Effective Speaking and Listening

3. Compassionate Communication,Conflict Resolution,and your Brain A multi-university training model for executives, managers, salespeople, students, teachers, mediators, and consultants

4. It’s not the words you speak…

5. 8 Core Elements of Effective Communication: • 1.  Gentle eye contact •  2.  Kind facial expression •  3.  Warm tone of voice •  4.  Body gestures •  5.  Relaxed disposition •  6.  Slow speech rate • 7. Brevity • 8. The words themselves

6. “Normal” dialogue involves unconscious and neurological defensive posturing: • Limited eye contact • Cautious tone of voice • Emotional distancing • Selective listening So we have to interrupt everyday consciousness that drives normal conversation . . . but how?

7. Speak for 20 seconds or less! Your brain can only hold about 4 “chunks” of information in conscious working memory for 10-30 seconds. (Cowan, 2001; Gobet & Clarkson, 2004)

8. ConsciouslyRelax ! • Clinical observation shows that people who remain in a relaxed state tend to talk slower, and slower speech rates lower muscle tension, heart rate, and self-reported tension in the listener(Knowlton & Larkin, 2006).

9. Slower speech rates have a robust effect on listening comprehension • (Gibson, Eberhard, & Bryant, 2005). • Lowering speech rate from 150 words per minute to 120 wpm decreases blood pressure and muscle tension(Knowlton & Larkin)

10. S P E A K I N GS U P E RS L O W L Y

11. Compassion is the neurological ability to resonate to the emotional feelings of others… • to share their joys… • and their suffering… • as you remain in a calm, relaxed, and contemplative state.

12. Neural Resonance

13. “Speaker-listener neural coupling underlies successful communication”Stephens G, Silbert L, Hasson U.Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2010 Aug 10Attentive listeners neurally resonate before they hear the speakers words!

14. Compassion is a nonverbal form of communication . . . . . . but it is not fully developed before the age of 30.

15. Can you neurologically trigger compassion and trust in others?

17. fMRI brainscans of people seeing human facial expressions of emotion

20. Evaluating face trustworthiness: a model based approach.Todorov A, Baron SG, Oosterhof NN.Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2008 June; 3(2): 119–127.

21. Can You Train Yourself to Reflect these Traits?

22. The Twelve Strategies of Compassionate Communication 1. Relax 2. Stay Present 3. Cultivate Inner Silence 4. Increase Positivity 5. Reflect on Your Deepest Values 6. Access a Pleasant Memory 7. Observe Nonverbal Cues 8. Express Appreciation 9. Speak Slowly 10. Speak Warmly 11. Speak Briefly 12. Listen Deeply

23. Journal of Marital Family TherapyCarson, Carson, Gil, & Baucom, 2007 “Relaxation, partner-focused loving-kindness meditations, mindful touch exercises, & mutual eye-gazing exercises were found to create the greatest improvements in mindfulness and relationship satisfaction.”

24. But what happens when you disagree with the other person?

25. Arguments cause an increase in blood pressure • Chronic arguing increases stress and may contribute to cardiovascular disease • (Ewart, Taylor, Kraemer, & Agras, 1991)

26. Compassionate Communication Summary Stay relaxed and present as you slowly and briefly talk with a warm demeanor. Stay positive and remain true to your personal values and professional ethics. Listen deeply, paying close attention to the person’s facial expressions and tone of voice, and express appreciation for what the other person says.

27. The Twelve Strategies of Compassionate Communication 1. Relax 2. Stay Present 3. Cultivate Inner Silence 4. Increase Positivity 5. Reflect on Your Deepest Values 6. Access a Pleasant Memory 7. Observe Nonverbal Cues 8. Express Appreciation 9. Speak Slowly 10. Speak Warmly 11. Speak Briefly 12. Listen Deeply

28. In clinical studies, advice giving,even when asked for,rarely helps and causes neural stress.

29. “Before you speak…”

30. Listen to the Compassionate Communication training module with a friend, colleague, or spouse. • First three practice rounds: don’t have an agenda. Instead, let a spontaneous dialogue flow. • Once you’ve established a trusting loving dialogue, pick a small problem to address as you follow the recorded instructions. • Deliberately apply the 12 strategies of Compassionate Communication without telling the other person what you are doing. After about 10-40 minutes, ask them if the conversation felt different. Then explain the strategies you were using. • Extra Credit: do the exercise with a kid! • PAY IT FORWARD! Teach Compassionate Communication to a friend or small group of people. Introduce it to your church. Bring it into your business. • Read Words Can Change Your Brain to improve your speaking and listening skills.