Sport Parenting and You

1. Sport Parenting and You A Safety Guide for the New Millennium

2. So Who’s This Guy? • Middle school teacher – 3 years • High school teacher – 11 years • English, SS, ESL, Administration • National Board Certified Teacher - English

3. Coached for 15 years. • Head girls • Broomfield, Legacy HS, BVC, Flatirons 18, 17 • Assistant girls • Monarch, Nederland

4. Head boys • Nederland, Broomfield, Legacy • Assistant boys • Monarch, Johnson and Wales University • Coaching coordinator – Flatirons VBC • Parent Liaison – Flatirons VBC

5. Substitution • Not a personal decision • Little time for deep contemplation by coach • Seeking best chance for team to win • Breaking their momentum • Player mentally not there • Player not at same skill level

6. Issues with Subbing • Players rarely sense they are making mistakes. • Divide between players’ and coaches’ thoughts about “bad” mistakes. • When to “let them play through” and when….to not. • Kids’ and parents’ reaction to “being” subbed.

7. Comes Down to Trust Do you trust your child’s coach to these decisions or do you not?

8. Guiding Beliefs • All parents love their children. • All parents want the best life for their children. • All parents want their children to be successful.

9. Guiding Beliefs • Parents and coaches have different roles in the “raising” of children. • Each child is different. • Each parent is different. • Each family is different. • For each sport experience, it is important to set goals to measure success.

10. Two Levels of Presentation • Items for YOU directly, as parents • Items for you to help your daughters

11. Goal Setting • Finish this sentence with as many indicators as you feel you need. At the end of the season, I (as a parent) will see it as a success if……

12. What are YOUR Goals for Your Children? • Outcome based? • Will win x amount of games / trophies / scholarships? • Pay for college with this? • Process based? • Learn life skills? • Base athletic skills? • Have fun?

13. Goal Setting for Athletes • How might your student-athlete complete the same sentence? At the end of the season, I (as a student-athlete) will see it as a success if……

14. Softball Poll • To have fun • To make friends • To improve my skills and learn to play softball the right way • For the excitement and challenge of competition • To be part of a team and learn teamwork To win was #9

15. Baseball Poll • To have fun • To make friends • To improve my skills and learn to play baseball the right way • To stay in shape and get exercise • To be part of a team and learn teamwork. To win was #8. To earn a college scholarship was #10.

16. Are there discrepancies? • How you manage those gaps will define how you parent an athlete.

17. Parental Pressure Gauge Survey • Take a moment to take the Parental Pressure Gauge Survey

18. Survey of Participation • To what level of your sport did you achieve? • Never played? • High School? • College (club or varsity)? • Semi-pro? • Professional?

20. Observation We cannot be objective about our own kids.

21. Double Goal Coach Club’s working philosophy • Winning…. • Teach life skills

22. The Breakfast Club

23. Softball and Sportsmanship

24. Lessons of Sport • Hard work can lead to something • Commitment is important • Communication is essential • Lessons come from failure • Honoring the game

25. Phases of Sport • Recreational, social, fitness • Educational • An honorable competitor • Fit for life philosophy

26. Our Role as Parents? • Opportunity • Unconditional support • Motivation? • Must come from athlete • NOT a coach

27. Survey of Coaches • Surveyed group – more than 10 years coaching experience • 84% - less parental interaction than in past • 71% - “helpfulness” crosses into intrusiveness • Favor seeking • Overly protective • Kids are tougher than we think. • Just because they are upset does not mean we must swoop in • Adversarial parents

28. What is a Good Team Experience? • Your views and your athlete’s views on the balance of • Winning and losing • Personal growth • Achieving goals • Taking risks • Correcting mistakes

29. Curse of the Good Girl • Female brain in adolescence • Drama, drama, drama! • Loss of self-control • Increase in impulsive behavior • Known to become unreasonable, uncommunicative, inconsolable, enraged

30. Communication Rituals • Assume rather than ask / confront • Assume the worst • Try to read body language • Friends – she should KNOW how I feel • Get friends on her “side” to pump her up • Escalates a non-existent issue

31. Hedging • “No offense but”….. • ….. ”Just kidding” • …. “Sorry” • Rather than be honest about feelings, they try to keep up the Good Girl image.

32. Girls and Feedback “You’re playing poorly” Males: look around and assume you are talking about SOMEONE else Females: Assume the coach is talking about THEM in specific

33. Girls and Feedback • Apply friendship rules to coaches and teachers • See constructive criticism as negative criticism • Coach: • Feedback isn’t direct, immediate • Not as helpful • Less honest picture of self / skills • When do we become honest – “real job”?

34. Coaches and Athletes • Coaches – first priority is to teach • Athletes – first priority is to learn • A “nice” relationship with someone is not a precondition for working with or listening to him or her.

35. Quotes • When we were in school, if something was wrong, it was you. You were wrong. • Now, the parents come back at us. When we started teaching, that just didn’t happen. You were considered professional, and if my opinion about your paper was this, that was accepted because I’m the teacher and I’m the professional. And now everything is second-guessed

36. Many teachers, especially those in more affluent communities, believe they are treated no better than a customer-service representative at a store. They are selling a product, and the parents are paying customers. When the parents aren’t happy, they complain. Their children watch and learn (Simmons 86).

37. Effect? • Short-term success • Long-term failure

38. For Parents • Affirm our daughters’ emotions. • Consider how we teach our daughters to solve problems in our houses. • Talk through the emotions she’s having. • Give permission to have those emotions.

39. Push her toward speaking for herself to those that can affect change – coach. • Conflicts are opportunities for gain, not loss

40. Dealing with Criticism • Identifying the distorted thoughts • Checking the evidence • Redirecting

41. Accept consequences of actions • But..steer conversation toward an accurate explanation and a solution

42. Help them work through their denial. • Help nurture resilience • Help to tell the difference between a critique of work and a critique of self.

43. When to Talk to a Coach • Danger or abuse: Talk immediately • OTHERWISE……. • Is there a life lesson the athlete can learn on HER OWN? • Let HER talk • Be there to support the athlete, if needed (age)

44. Process • Wait 24 hours after tournaments • Have athlete make an appointment • Away from practice / games • Pinpoint what is bothering the athlete • Listen objectively • Implement improvement plan

45. Parental Challenges • 100% support for athlete • Let them talk about their issues • What are THEIR issues? What are YOURS? • Encourage them to talk directly to that coach • Wanting to protect our children from anything uncomfortable!

46. Coach – Parent – Athlete Triad • All should be working toward same goals FOR and WITH athlete

47. Issue • “Siding” with athlete over the coach • Saying coach is “wrong” • Feel free to think that on own. • Keep it to self, though! • Team dynamics? • Mental Skills Incident

48. Resources