Why The Easter Rising should not be made into a feature film

1. Why The Easter Rising should not be made into a feature film A rant by an Irish American named Alison who has very strong opinions on the subject and doesn’t know when to shut up

2. Disclaimer • I have no problems with an actor from Northern Ireland portraying an figure from Ireland. Seán Mac Diarmada was from a village on the modern day border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. Anyone who does is a sack of shit. • I will fight you on this. I will probably lose because I only weigh 58kg, but I will try. Please don’t aim for the face, I have a nice bone structure. Aim for the nose, I subconsciously want a nose job.

3. 1. You know how many Seans I know? Colin Morgan looks nothing like Seán Mac Diarmada and it makes me irate because there is an accomplished actor who has portrayed Seán Mac Diarmada from North Ireland and another one from co. Leitrim who was alright, I think, I was drunk when I watched Rebellion. There is a tradition of men named Sean portraying Seán Mac Diarmada (by tradition I mean two). You can find a Sean casting director, it’s Ireland, it isn’t hard to find a Sean.

4. Seán Mac Diarmada comparison The original. My historical boyfriend. It isn’t cradle robbing if it’s grave robbing. Sean T. O Meallaigh The closest we’re gonna get in 2018 ladies and gentlemen. Also, great cheekbones Sean Fox. He’s from Leitrim! NO.

5. 2. Stop trying to make The Rising happen! It’s not going to happen! • The Easter Rising is far too complicated to be compressed into two hours and thirty minutes • For an non Irish audience (which the film makers appear to be targeting) to understand what is going on much of the character developing and emotional dialogue would have to be cut for the sake of exposition.

6. 3. When you fav is problematic • Seán Mac Diarmada is not your traditional romantic hero, to make him palatable to the audience there will have to be major changes.

7. Sorry Babe, I still love you

8. 3a. I have a really traumatic backstory, hold me • Born and raised in a small village with nine siblings. (Irish proverb: If you can’t beat them, out breed them). • Landscape of childhood scarred by the Great Famine and probably heard first hand accounts of the Great Famine as a child • Mom died when he was nine • These formative experiences (except becoming a Disney princess) would be lost an international audience, especially the Americans…

9. 3b. I heard you like bad boys • Fenianlike his papa • Printed radical newspapers • Arrested in 1915 for sedition, served four months of hard labour • Fired from a job for smoking • Mentored by Thomas Clarke, who would be considered a terrorist by most peoples’ standards

10. 3c. At least I’m pretty, and witty, and gay • Contracted polio in 1912, leaving him with a significant limp and had to use a cane • Did not have the gift of the gab when speaking Irish • “striking handsome, and earnest, speaking with natural eloquence and a sincerity which held his audience, gay and light hearted with a gift of telling a humorous story and a tongue that was witty without being malicious”

11. 4. Don’t make me turn this goddamn rebellion around! Too many conflicts make a bad movie • Conflict number 1: After 800 years we will finally get those English bastards off our lawn! Maybe… • Conflict number 2: Why do the mob hate us?! It’s not like WWI is going on and the English are shelling Dublin… • Conflict number 3: Seven men means seven opinions and all seven think they’re important because they have a penis

12. 5. Michael Bay lite: death, fire, and no sex (we’re Catholic) • The longest film runtime is two and a half hours, any longer and your audience will resemble the melted Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark • How this film will be divided: thirty minutes of pathetic attempts of character building and exposition, 105 minutes of boom boom action movie, and rounding out the final minutes of the film will be some really good B-role of Killmainham Gaol and death by firing squad (spoiler alert).

13. 6. Who lives, who dies, who tells your story • Thomas Clarke, James Connolly, Thomas MacDonagh, Éamonn Ceannt, Joseph Mary Plunkett, Seán Mac Diarmada, and Patrick Pearse left behind a formidable legacy in the form of the 1916 Proclamation • This document is displayed throughout Ireland and is read outside the GPO every year during the Easter Rising commemorations • The 100th anniversary of the Easter Rising has passed, any film about the events would suffer at the Irish box office due to fatigue. Seriously, they made a parody about it (Mr. great cheekbones is in and he speaks Irish)

14. Summary • 1. Go find a Sean who at least looks a little like Seán Mac Diarmada. Seriously, at least one sixth of the male population of Ireland is named Sean • 2. Exposition is not character development • 3. Get Lin-Manuel Miranda, he can write a musical about Seán Mac Diarmada • 4. Why do we let people with a y chromosome be in charge? • 5. Explosions are fun but they don’t move the plot • 6. The hundredth anniversary of the Easter Rising has passed, a movie about it would be behind trend and under perform at the box office, go make a movie about Éamon de Valera

15. Bonus slides because I am a petty bitch

16. Just hurry up and type cast this man • SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEM CHEEK BONES AND THE BROODING EXPRESSION. I refuse to procreate with someone with inferior bone structure (ignore that last bit, I’m just a flat chested, 1.73 m slag with dirty strawberry blonde hair) ((please Lord don’t ever let Sean O’Meallaigh see this)) (((If you do by chance see this please shave – beards are for men with poor bone structure))) ((((unless it’s for a role))))

17. Go back to the zoo Colin • Seriously you guys, he is Northern Ireland’s version of Benedict Cumberbatch • He bears a greater resemblance to an otter than Seán Mac Diarmada • Nothing against otters, they’re super cute and I’d give my life for otters • Still bitter about Game of Thrones being erased for Merlin

18. The End