Talk the Talk: Using Language to Achieve Powerful Results

1. Talk the Talk:Using Language to Achieve Powerful Results By Jennifer thomé Assistant Director of Student Media MSU Denver

2. Have you ever heard these? • I had no idea that’s what he wanted… • I could have sworn she meant… • I never know what he wants. • She doesn’t like working with us. • He gives me a bad vibe… • She just doesn’t get it! • No one is taking me seriously! • My opinion is being ignored… • I thought I made myself clear!

3. Did you know? • ⅖ of projects fail due to miscommunication. • 50-80% of communication is based on non-verbals. • Sitting in someone’s right visual field increases their retention by more than 30%. • Miscommunication can cost an organization 25% to 40% of its annual budget. • 14% of each workweek is wasted as a result of poor communication. • 94% of the participants identified "communicating well" as the most important skill for executives and managers to have in order to be successful today and tomorrow. • The #1 reason people leave companies is because of their leaders.

4. But FirstA little about me… • The product of two psychologists • + A third culture child • + 10 years in Asia • + A double literature major • + A journalist • + Intelligence researcher • = Someone who pays attention to HOW things are being said

5. Communication Shortfall # 1Using Weak Language • “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” • – George Bernard Shaw

6. Weak LanguageSymptom # 1 Lack of Clarity • - We don’t think about what we want before we ask for it. (And go into the conversation with unclear requests or demands.) • - We assume that others can read our minds or care as much as we do. (This is called a signal amplification bias.) • - We don’t clearly communicate expectations, goals or deadlines. • - We are too “busy” to do any of the above. (This happens ALL THE TIME.)

7. Weak LanguageSymptom # 2 - Being too Polite or Friendly • - We don’t express what we want for fear of retribution or fear of making a bad impact. • - We send the wrong message by reinforcing a serious message with a casual tone. • - We don’t defend our space or express our needs. • - We apologize for things that don’t need or deserve an apology.

8. Weak LanguageSymptom # 3 Using Pejoratives • - We negate our own authority and the importance of our projects by using common language that doesn’t convey urgency or importance. • - Linguistic Pejoratives: • • I feel, I think • • I would like to • • “um” • • I’m sorry, but • • Can I • • I may be wrong here • • I was thinking • • I just… • - Grammatical Pejoratives: putting the important things at the end of your statements. • • Or ‘just’ in any context, for that matter. • - Non-linguistic Pejoratives • • other sounds, like laughing before or after you make a statement or lowering your voice at certain parts of the sentence.

9. Communications Shortfall # 2Ignoring Filters • “To write or even speak English is not a science but an art. There are no reliable words.” • – George Orwell

10. Ignoring Filters Symptom # 1 Projecting • Projecting is taking your own feelings about a situation and projecting them onto others people. • This can manifest as: • • Feeling that others are judging you because you are insecure. • • Assuming that other people are being uncooperative because you don’t like a project. • • Perceiving others to be ineffective, lazy or incompetent because you don’t want to delegate. • Remember: There is only one way to figure out what others are thinking: ask.

11. Ignoring Filters # 2 Filters and Cognitive Distortions • Psychiatrist Aaron Beck’s cognitive distortions are exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that can color your view of a situation. Projection is the most common in the office, but you should watch out for these common culprits as well.

12. Cognitive Distortions • *Filtering: hearing what you want to hear or expect to hear, not what is being said. • Polarized “Black and White” Thinking: believing that things have to be perfect or we’re a failure. • Overgeneralization: basing your overall conclusion about a situation on as single incident or aspect. • Jumping to Conclusions: believing that you know how people feel and basing decisions off of those assumptions. • Catastrophizing: expecting bad things to happen, no matter what. • *Personalization: assuming that someone’s behaviors are about you. • *Control Fallacy and Blaming: believing that others are responsible for our fate or happiness, and blaming them for doing poorly by us. • Fallacy of Fairness, Shoulds: being upset about the fact that life isn’t fair, • *Emotional Reasoning: believing that what you feel is true and factual. • Fallacy of Change: expecting that others will change, if we just try hard enough to make them. • Always Being Right: continually trying to prove that your opinions and actions are correct, without taking time to reflect if others may have a better way to do things. • **Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: expecting our sacrifices to pay off and to be noticed and promoted for good behavior.

13. Ignoring Filters Symptom # 3 Physiological Filters • Biological stressors—such as fatigue, hunger, stress, pain, “hanger”, etc.—alter our brain chemistry, change our focus from goals to needs, and change our metabolism. All of these lower levels of glucose available to our  brains, which diminish self-control and can lead to poor decision making and temper tantrums. • Some great remedies are: • • Meet in a new location so that you have to get up and move. The exercise will get your blood flowing and trigger better recollection of the meeting, and you are removing people from environments that might distract or bore them. • • Adjust the lighting in your rooms—bright lights can amplify what we’re feeling and trigger feelings of anxiety. • • Schedule meetings before mid-morning or after lunch, never right before lunch or at the end of the day.

14. Communications Shortfall #3Bad Body Language • “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” • – Ralph Waldo Emerson

15. Bad Body Language Symptom # 1Bad Habits • Human language is a fairly recent evolution, and up to 80% of our communications still fall under the non-verbal (body language) or paralingual (related to tone, pitch and speed) aspects of our message. Sadly, the lack of physical exercise and confinement to cubicles has ruined our posture, often causing us to send bad signals without noticing what we’re doing.

17. The Ideal Body Language for Office • Upright, open, leaning in to a conversation, hands above the table, and ongoing eye contact. • Save the negative body language for when you actually want to punish someone

18. Bad Body Language Symptom # 2 - Stress and Anxiety • Have you ever gotten a bad vibe from someone or shied away from working with them because they stressed you out? • Chances are, your body was picking up on pheromonal flares, their hormonal warning system that tells people around them that there is danger afoot. • If you are suffering from stress, anxiety or depression, your hormones may be sending a stronger signal than your body language and words combined, so make sure to take care of yourself, and practice Amy Cuddy’s Power Poses.* • *To learn more about Power Poses and the science behind them, head to ted.com and search for Amy Cuddy’s video “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

19. Bad Body Language Symptom # 3 - Your Attire and Grooming • Some interesting facts: • Showing too much skin causes the brain to perceive you as an animal, not human. • Dressing inappropriately (including not well enough) for work is linked with 25% less earnings. • Lack of proper hygiene is often associated with inability to do a good job and lack of self control. • Looking pale and sickly is associated with low energy and performance. • People respond more favorably to those who look healthy. For women, this effect is amplified by wearing red.

20. Moving forward • Reflect on what you’ve learned today and see if there are any areas that you could improve on. Give yourself time: these are not fatal flaws, but ingrained habits that we learned from others around us. • Make a note of the worst communications mistakes you make, and correct yourself as they come up. You’ll be amazed at how big of an influence your actions can have on your work environment.

21. How can I deal with other people’s bad habits? • Communication is always a two-way street, and you will meet lots of people with sub-par communications skills. The first step in dealing with them is to forgive them, as these are often bad habits. • If their actions are interfering with your work, then you need to have a simple, diplomatic talk with them. Here’s your script. • Dear Colleague, when you do _______________, it makes me/us feel as though _______________. It would be much more efficient if you’d _________________________ (specific instructions for better communications). Thank you. • Note that this statement does not assign blame, but points out where there might be a gap in perception. It then goes on to give specific instructions for how this situation may be avoided in the future.

22. Questions? Comments? Presentation Requests? • Jennifer Thomé • Assistant Director of Student Media • Metropolitan State University of Denver • jthome1@msudenver.edu