Working with the non-abusing parent

1. Working with the non-abusing parent

2. Factors contributing to vulnerability“what factors make it more likely that a woman will enter, and / or stay in, a violent relationship?”

3. Maslow’s heirarchy of needs

4. Interventions around vulnerability Does she need: Practical help to stay safe? Advocacy and support? Would a time limited psycho-educational intervention around the effects of domestic violence be useful? e.g. education about DV, work to help reduce self blame, increase her sense of autonomy, help to recover from the effects of abuse in this or other adult relationships Or are there issues which are not likely to change in the short to medium term and would need long term support and intervention? 4

5. What are some of the unintended consequences of responses to dv? Child protection processes emphasise leaving/ending relationship rather than ending violence Child protection processes put the victim in the spotlight, (and sometimes ignore the perpetrator) leaving them holding primary responsibility for protecting their children Housing processes mean women have to move away from family and other support Emphasis on criminal justice responses can exclude women Criminal justice responses criminalise the woman’s partner and father of her children and reduce her income Police pro-arrest policies mean women get arrested if they use force to protect themselves or prevent violence Child contact law pushes for more contact between children and abusive parents, which puts women between two opposing agency responses and can undermine her safety

6. What can safety planning mean? Identify risk, risky times, victim’s fears Identify existing sources of support and protection Identify existing strategies used by victim and children Discuss possible extra sources of support and protection with victim and identify which might help Consider MARAC; civil and criminal responses Consider housing, moving, protection for home, school run increasing woman’s confidence and self worth Identify unintended consequences; can you alleviate these Consider the relative risks of doing something and not

7. The Offences Against the Person Act 1861 • Legal definitions of most of the criminal law about physical violence, including assault, assault causing grievous or actual bodily harm, common assault, murder, manslaughter, poisoning. • No-one is allowed to use physical violence against another adult except in self defence, whether the victim is married to the perpetrator or not. • Self defence a situation of immediate danger to life or limb of self or relevant person.

8. Sexual Offences Act 2003 • Specifies clearly that rape and sexual assault are defined by both consent and capacity to consent. • An offence of rape is committed if a person A penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person B with his penis, if that other person does not consent and if A does not reasonably believe that B consents. • If A’s belief that B consented is unreasonable, or B was not capable of consenting freely, for example if B was at risk of violence, or too drunk or drugged to consent knowingly, they cannot have consented and therefore the offence of rape has been committed.

9. Family Law Act 1996 Part IV • Legal framework for the civil orders. • Occupation (or ouster) orders are used for occupation of the family home, requiring perpetrators to leave or be removed from the home. • Perpetrator must be an “associated person”. • Associated persons include spouses, cohabiting couples, family members. • The orders can limit how near to the home perpetrator can come. • Protection (or non molestation) orders require the perpetrator not to hit, hurt, threaten or otherwise abuse their partner or ex-partner or any relevant child of the family.

10. Protection from Harassment Act 1997 (stalking etc) • This legislation defines harassment as a course of conduct which a reasonable person would think is harassment and in particular defines a course of conduct putting someone in fear of violence as an criminal offence of harassment. • Victims can apply to the civil courts for an anti harassment order, or can use the criminal law by reporting the crime to the police. • The perpetrator can be found guilty of the crime of harassment and may face a fine or custodial sentence. • If they are put under the supervision of the probation services following such a sentence, they may be required to attend a perpetrator intervention programme.

11. Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004 • This act makes various elements of legislation relating to domestic violence work more effectively. It includes making common assault an arrestable offence, which helps the police to take more effective immediate action against a perpetrator if there is no obvious evidence of a more serious crime at the scene. • It also includes widening the scope of “associated persons” defined in the Family Law Act 1996 to include same sex partners or ex-partners. It provides for domestic homicide reviews, to help assist police and local authorities and others to identify changes needed to prevent domestic homicide.

12. VAWG 2012 • piloting a domestic violence disclosure scheme where individuals have a right to ask about any violence in a partner’s past • widening the definition of domestic violence and abuse following a public consultation, to include coercive control and to cover 16 and 17 year olds

13. A survivor of domestic violence is usually entitled to: Police help Prosecution Civil Court orders Financial help: benefits/tax etc Refuse to authorise the CSA Housing Women’s services or equivalent Legal Services Commission money Divorce Separate CAFCASS interview Health Services (confidential and important) Sanctuary And sometimes also: MARAC referral where the thresholds are reached IDVA support where the CJS is involved Specialist advice – eg re-unite

14. Safety planning steps Given his past use of violence, look at the level of risk. When is she likely to be most at risk? What are her worst fears for herself /her children? Does she know when it’s going to happen? Is there a pattern? What does she already do to protect herself /her children? What works? look at the options she has. Help her develop as wide a range of choices as possible. Which options would be most realistic for her? What does she see herself actually being able to do? Focus on those.

15. Wrapping up… Safety planning for the coming week What would have to change in order for you to feel safe? – safe to get angry and to express yourself without fear of reprisals? 2. What do you think (be as realistic as possible) it would take for you to decide to leave? Would that be too late? 3. Has he ever said he’ll change or won’t do it again? Did he keep his word? 4. Have you ever thought about leaving? How did he/you change your mind? 5. So you’ve been together X years and he’s gone from (first bullying behaviour) to (worst bullying behaviour), If the violence and abuse continued to escalate in the same manner, where would your relationship be another X years down the line? 6. You said that when you were first together he made you feel ***, how has his violence made you feel?

16. The wall When they are very angry at ‘the system’…. What / who are obstacles between where their lives are now and how they want them to be? (this might, for example, be about what stands between them and their contact with their children) – these are the bricks in the wall (you can draw it or build it or just talk about it) When they face this wall how do they feel? (for example, anger, helplessness, shame) How might they act when these feelings are strongest? (what are they tempted to do and say?) Which actions would help to dismantle the wall and which would only serve to strengthen it? (possibly brainstorm in 2 columns)

17. Cycles of violence model Tension Building Stage This is the stage where things lead up to that "walking on eggshells" feeling. Acute Violent Incident Stage This is the stage where the violence occurs. The amount of violence in this stage usually builds in intensity with each episode. 
 • Moment of minimum denial This is the point where you can work really expanding women’s safety awareness: –

18. Moment of minimum denial • Did you consider leaving at that point? • What were you realizing there? • When did you first begin to realize that (he was a bully / he might kill you etc)? • What was it about that that worried you? • What opened your eyes to that? • So for you ….. (eg. Knowing your children are safe / men shouldn’t hit women etc) is really important? Tell me more about that. Is that a general rule? Why?

19. Honeymoon Stage This is the stage where the abuser either • minimizes the episode and then apologizes and promises never to do it again or (2) blames it on alcohol, drugs pr his own traumatic past and promises it will never happen again This is the point where you can work on understanding her ‘blocks to leaving:- • How did he get you trust him again? • What did you feel you had to do? • Who stood by you? • What did you have to do with the things you’d realized earlier in order to stay / return?

20. If the victim does leave after the incident: the abuser will do anything it takes to get them to come back. This includes : • gifts and flowers (bribes) • Self-harm and suicide threats • promises to be a good parent (works well if they have neglected the kids) • finds God (does not take responsibility for behavior) • will temporarily stop drinking or drug use • Promises to get counseling (only long term counseling will be effective and very few voluntarily go into counseling). After which the tension building stage begins again.

21. The gestalt switch

22. Victims 2

23. Kim Drivers for staying / leaving Gestalt switch re. lawrence Cycles work – questions and answers Safety planning

24. Time lines draw a key events lifeline across half the page Put in below the line, events and relationships that may be linked or relevant in any way to the client ending up in your service. At the present day draw a fork in the road. At the end of the bottom fork draw or list of their worst fears - if s/he makes very poor decisions in the coming year At the end of the upper branch of the fork draw or list their best hopes for the future if s/he made very good decisions in the coming year Ask the client to think what significant events might be related to them being able to conceive of and create the good life they want. These events or relationships should be put in above the lifeline (they may in some cases be different aspects or impacts to the same events below the line)

25. Time lines for goal setting Mark in the kinds of decisions and actions that the client would have to take to embark on the high road instead of the low road - key ones in the coming year, but also subtle ones in the coming week This can form the basis of goal setting….

26. Career timeline Draw a timeline from your birth up til this training course. Fill in the significant events in your personal and professional life that have brought you to this point with these interests and these strengths - place the positive learning from these events above the line Below the line add in anything you’ve taken on from these same events that could hamper you in this work

27. Internalising vs externalising questions(Mark Hayward, Context, 105 Oct 09) Internalising questions • How long have you been so worried? • How did you get to be so anxious? • Why do you think you are such a worrier? • Does being anxious run in your family? • How many people know you are such a worrier? • What does being so anxious tell you about the kind of person you really are deep down?

28. The miracle question Ask where they’d like to be in a year’s time. What will be different? What difference will that make in your relationships with your children? How will you behave differently outside the family? How will you spend your time differently? Who will be most pleased with the change in you? What will they notice is different about you? How might that have happened?

29. Role models Think of one person who is good with boundaries – who’d be good at getting you where you need to go; someone who would be a good role model.

30. What makes you choose this person? • What do you think it is about them that would makes them good at […]? • Can you give me any stories/ examples to illustrate this? • How do you think they would have deal with some of the difficult situations you find yourself in? • What would they need to tell themselves to manage the situation in this way? • What advice do you think this person would give to you now

31. Name three qualities that make them particularly good at handling problems like yours Do you have these qualities at all?

32. Internalising vs externalising questions(Mark Hayward, Context, 105 Oct 09) Externalising questions • When did anxiety first try and interfere with your life? • What has happened tht might have made you vulnerable to the influence of worry? • What does worry try to get you to believe about yourself? • What does worry want you to believe about other people? • Are there tricks or tactics that anxiety uses to try and influence you? • In which situations is anxiety most likely to try and take over?

33. A 10-year-old’s drawing of his ‘temper’. Though portrayed as ugly, it is also a tough warrior — typical ambivalence. (Gallagher, 2004)

34. Summary of externalising the problem Characterising and finding a name for the problem Exploring what the problem has had them doing from the time it first appeared to the present day Looking at how it got them doing this stuff exploring the costs and benefits the problem has had for them Looking at why these costs matter to the person Exploring how the person has resisted the problem at times in the past Looking at how they can do so in future