What qualities make for a happy and successful marriage?

1. What qualities make for a happy and successful marriage? By: Shaina Rodriguez

2. Why was I interested in this topic? I married my husband last September and it was most definitely the best day of my life. My parents and in-laws have both been married for over 40 years and I knew that we both came from great families that loved each other very much. I wanted to know what qualities make a marriage long lasting because it is so sad how much divorce there is today. Marrying my husband was the best day of my life, and I intend to have a very long and happy marriage. I wanted to search for what qualities attributed to a happy and successful marriage so that we can have the best marriage possible!

4. How the interviews worked • I split the interviews in to 4 categories, Newlyweds, married for 5-10 years, married for 10-25 years, and then married for 25-40 years. Since I did not know any elderly couples, I used YouTube videos and the internet to conduct that research. • The reason for the categories is I wanted to see if things differed according to the amount of years that people were married for.

5. Newlyweds • Honesty • Friendship • Trust • Teamwork • Sacrifice • Hard work • Humor

6. Married for 5-10 years • Respect • The ability to communicate • Making the marriage a priority (especially when you have children) • Honesty • Independence • Loving and respecting another person • A relationship that nurtures both partners

7. Married for 10-25 years • Love and affection • A healthy sex life • Intimacy • Mutual respect

8. Married for 22 years… • The interesting thing about the previous slide was that woman who I interviewed actually got a divorce after 22 years of marriage. The reason she said those were the qualities that made for a good marriage was because that was what her marriage was missing. She focused primarily on the lack of intimacy, and that seemed to be what tore her marriage apart.

9. Married for 25-40 years These are my parents, married for 40 years in August! • Compassion • Compromise • Understanding each other well • Having your own space • Thoughtfulness • Romanticism • Humor • Trust • Building memories and traditions • Kindness in your heart, because you will get mad sometimes!

10. A take on marriage from Senior Citizens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqtgoYEqaGM

11. The longest married couple in the United States • A Connecticut couple just celebrated their new recognition as America’s longest married pair. They have been married for 80 years, she is 97 and he is 101. • She says, “Your love grows, and it grows and grows, and it grows in very good directions for the two of us.” • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REGUOjhj6uc

12. According to John Gottman, PhD. • A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. • Show you care. Small acts of thoughtfulness are a powerful way to boost the positivity in your marriage. • Be empathetic. Showing your partner an emotional resonance, is a potent form of affection. • Be accepting. Even if your partner is saying something you don’t agree with, let them know they are making sense and that you respect it. • Joke around. Silliness, playful teasing and just having a fun time together is especially nourishing.

13. According to Doctor Phil • You get what you give. When you give better, you get better. • There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing. • You don't fix things by fixing your partner. • Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder. • You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them. • Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.

14. An alternative view… • This slide show was mainly focused on what makes a marriage successful, now let’s look at the viewpoint from what makes marriages fall apart. In the United States, researchers estimate that 40%–50% of all first marriages, and 60% of second marriages, will end in divorce.

15. Divorce Statistics • Divorce has always been present in American society. Although divorce has always been a concern, it has become more common in the last 50 years. The highest divorce rates ever recorded were in the 1970s and early 1980s. Since then the divorce rate actually has decreased a little, but it still remains at a historically high rate.

16. Why Divorce? • Lack of commitment • Too much arguing • Infidelity (I know many couples that got a divorce because of this) • Marrying too young • Unrealistic expectations • Lack of equality • Lack of preparation • Abuse

17. Percentage breakdown • Researchers have identified the most common reasons people give for their divorces. A recent national survey found that the most common reason given for divorce was “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason). Other significant reasons included too much arguing (56%), infidelity (55%), marrying too young (46%), unrealistic expectations (45%), lack of equality in the relationship (44%), lack of preparation for marriage (41%), and abuse (29%). (People often give more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100%.)

18. My opinion about divorce • The reason that I did not interview any divorced couples was because I didn’t want anyone to get upset about why their marriage ended. I have a very good friend who got a divorce because her husband cheated on her with her best friend. I feel as though cheating is a big reason people get divorced, also couples who fight a lot seem to be another main reason for divorce. I think that it really depends on the couple and what they are looking to get out of the marriage. • If things in the marriage aren’t working out well, I think that it might be a good idea for couples to seek out therapy to try to work through their problems. Of course this does not always solve everything, but it may help.

19. My own perspective (post research) • From my research and interviews with different married couples I came to my own conclusion of what makes a marriage happy, healthy, and long lasting. • Humor (my husband makes me laugh everyday so I am lucky!) • Affection: I feel as though this is very important to keep the marriage alive. It shows you that the other person loves you. • Caring: It is important to care for one another, marriage is about a partnership and taking care of one another. • Respect: Without respect, you really have nothing. • Communication: Everyone always says “Communication is key!” I find this to be very true. You need to know how the other person is feeling and without communication it would just lead to fights and confusion. • Love: This is definitely my number one! How can you have a long and successful marriage without love?! I believe that love is the glue that holds marriages together.

20. Common Themes • Common themes among my interviews and my research were communication, respect and humor. • The answers really didn’t differ as much as I thought they would through the different lengths of being married. The only thing that I noticed was that people who were married more than 5 years said independence was importaant and so did people in later years. The newlyweds did not say this and I think it is because when you first get married you might be inseparable and lose sight of the fact that you each have your own lives that is separate from being married. People in later years noted that they enjoyed their space and their time to themselves.

21. Children • I was surprised a lot of people didn’t say children, but some brought up a good point saying that children were a RESULT of the marriage, rather than the marriage. I would have to agree with that. • However, I found this interview that mentioned children said it the best; “Children feed the marriage with so many shared experiences...so many emotions. They might not be necessary to a long and successful marriage but they do cement this special bond. This creation of the two people is a culmination of the commitment. The beauty of it comes from completely giving up your "Self" to this child where you would gladly give your life for theirs.” (From Gerry, married 41 years)

22. What else I learned • I would say that my favorite part of this project was most definitely the interviews, especially getting to interview my parents and my in-laws who have both been married for over 40 years. I learned the things that have kept them married for so many years, and it reaffirms that my marriage will also be a long and successful one just like both of theirs are. • The best part of the interviews were when people put personal touches to their answers. It got me to see how other couples are successful in their marriages and gave me insight for my own.

23. Other places for advice • There are so many websites devoted to advice on how to keep a marriage long lasting and happy. • Theknot.com • Thenest.com • As well as many articles on how to keep the spark alive, things not to do and say, romantic date ideas, and numerous tips on what you can do to have a happy marriage.

24. Just for fun!

25. Bibliography • Glenn, Norval D., Jeremy E. Uecker, and Robert W.B. Love Jr.. "Later First Marriage And Marital Success☆." Social Science Research 39.5 (2010): 787-800. Print. • "Happy Forever Marriage." Dr Coach Loves Life Coaching Tips. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013. <http://familyandrelationshipcoachblog.com/articles2/long-term-marriage/>. • Hendrick, Susan S.. "Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail.." psycCRITIQUES 40.3 (1995): 30-40. Print. • Besnoff, Shelley, personal interview, November 15, 2013 at 8:40pm • Besnoff Ronald, personal interview, November 15, 2013 at 8:30 pm • Rodriguez, Gerard, personal interview through email, November 16 2013 • Bartlett, Jessica, personal interview, November 17, 10:44pm • Bartlett, Benjamin, personal interview, November 17, 10:50pm

26. Bibliography • Personal interviews conducted online through online forums, on theknot.com as well as shape pro boards. People interviewed remained anonymous. • "The 8 most common reasons for divorce." MSN Living. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 Nov. 2013. <http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/the-8-most-common-reasons-for-divorce#7>. • YouTube videos: • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REGUOjhj6uc • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqtgoYEqaGM • "Dr. Phil.com - Advice - A Good Marriage." Dr. Phil.com - Advice - A Good Marriage. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013. <http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/53>.