Parenting and Personal Development (Part 2)

1. PARENTING AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT BY MICHAEL SALL (PART 2) Many well-meaning parents often want to control a child’s behavior too much and for far too long. Of course an infant needs to be controlled. He can’t survive any other way. But what happens when that infant starts to walk and talk? He begins to think and learn. As he gets older and builds a reservoir of experience, he thinks for himself more and is capable of making more and more decisions. So naturally, as he gets older he will depend less on you and more on himself. This growth process is normal and healthy. In much the same way we can’t get stronger without exercising our muscles, so too must a child be challenged with his own decision making in order to grow, get stronger, and hopefully wiser. The number of decisions he makes increases exponentially with age. As this happens, a parent should reduce oversight proportionally. You would not think of allowing a 4 year old to decide what preschool to attend. By the same token, neither should you try to decide for an 18 year old what college to attend. Unfortunately, many parents get stuck thinking of their child the same way year after year and thus are far too slow in allowing him to assume an appropriate level of responsibility. The oldest children in most families can confirm this. They often report that their younger siblings had it easier than they did, and they are correct. Why? Because by the time the second or third child reaches a given age, most parents realize they were overly protective with the first, and so they ease up on the younger one. Allowing a child as much independence as possible is an emotional growth hormone that is necessary for him to become independent, think for himself, and be self-assured in a wide range of environments. As a child grows he will often move in a different direction than we might have chosen for him. But unless he is being truly self-destructive, let him go where he wants. You certainly can discuss your ideas and choices, but if he remains unconvinced, get behind his. The surest way to healthy growth is simply to let your child be who he is, not what you imagine he should be or what you think will make him happy. Let nature take its course. A child has rights. His right to privacy should be recognized and respected in the same way you would want him to respect yours. Cell phones, computers and other property can contain very personal information. Unless you have evidence that your child is planning something harmful to himself or others, you should never invade his privacy. If you do, you are sending a signal that it is OK, and it will appear to him that crossing any boundary is acceptable. It is not. While I am on this subject, let me disabuse you of one of the great fictions of parenting. Many believe that they should only be a parent, not a friend. If you adopt this posture for too long, you will undermine many worthwhile goals, and deny you and your child one of the great rewards of parenting, a lifelong friendship. The younger a child is, the more of a parent you must be. But as he grows and begins making decisions for himself, there is a gradual shift. The parental authority component begins to fade (as it should), and the friendship begins to grow. Your council and your companionship will continue to be solicited, but not under that umbrella of parental authority.

2. Children have lots to teach us throughout their lives, so be alert. Too often because of their youth we dismiss their ideas instead of giving them a fair hearing. They have a different set of eyes, which may lack the light of experience you have, but neither are they blinded by many of the biases that come with age. If you listen, really listen, you will learn a great deal, about yourself, them, and lots of other things. You will know they have matured when they are teaching you more than you are them. What do you do about sex, drugs, and hip hop (besides sweat profusely)? One size does not fit all. It never does with these things. There is no silver bullet. But you can set the stage that offers the best chance of positive results. First dispose yourself of the notion that you can control your child’s environment. It is impossible. No matter what you do, they will be exposed to foul and abusive language, pornography and nudity, and as they get older they will be in the company of others who drink, smoke and do drugs. To try to completely isolate them from these things is an exercise in futility. Still, you can and should try to minimize their exposure through your choice of schools, church, and the neighborhood you live in. But what else? The most important thing you can do is set the right example. Secondly, talk to him. Discuss the reasons why drugs etc. are harmful, why they should be avoided, and where he profits from doing so. You want him to talk openly, so make sure he is comfortable, and that means you can not react to what he says with shock or anger. You can’t jump down his throat if he discloses he or his friends used marijuana. If he did smoke grass, it may be foolish, but it does not make him a flawed human being. Listen to him, listen and then listen some more. Try to understand. Only when you have listened and asked enough questions to truly understand his perspective, should you begin to talk and try to explain a differing viewpoint. Make sure to educate yourself so you know what the facts are, really know what you are talking about, and then tell him the truth. Although advice is way down on the list of what generally influences children, the hope is that your understanding and tolerance of his position will influence him to listen to yours, and then maybe your words will plant a seed that can germinate over time. Never lie or distort anything for any reason, even for a dramatic effect. When I was young, parents and school authorities routinely made nonsensical claims about the evils of drugs (deformed children resulting from LSD or marijuana triggering immediate addiction etc.). All they accomplished was to brand the speaker a liar and discredit the very real, very destructive things that drugs do. That left youngsters open to believing the lies on the other side, claims that drugs aren’t really harmful, it takes years to become addicted, or that recreational use is not dangerous. The truth is scary enough. Be willing to dispel myths even if they are not supportive of your arguments. The last most important thing, pray. When your child makes choices contrary to your advice, unimportant ones that don’t affect health or other vital issues, you might have to close your eyes and just say “do it,” knowing that he is making the exact wrong choice. If you coerce him into doing what you want, he will learn nothing. Having been forced to make your choice, how will he know that his way would not have

3. been better? You might actually drive him in the opposite direction. He could rebel and adopt a contrary stance simply to assert his independence. But if he decides for himself and proves wrong, he will suffer a healthy dose of pain, and since self-inflicted pain focuses the mind so very well, the bad choice might become the good lesson, burned into his memory forever. Nudity and bad language, including rap, is another problem. I allowed my children to listen to any music they wanted, including hip hop, much of it with grotesque, vulgar lyrics. Our home had no restrictions on the internet or cable TV, including movies that had bad language, nudity and sex scenes. It made for a few awkward moments when we heard some of that “music” or watched a film with raw “artistic expression” (aka nudity), but nothing was insufferable. My theory was that since the kids would be exposed to it no matter what I did, allowing it at home would afford me at least a little input. Due to our understanding that they could decide what to watch, an atmosphere was created where we could openly discuss what they saw. Certainly it did away with the forbidden fruit problem. There are many people who would disagree with me here on religious grounds and others. They may be right. I know two things for sure. It worked for me, and I got lucky. Teaching your child to eat well is important and not too difficult. My mother was the worst cook I ever knew. She made rock hard baked potatoes, cakes often crunched in my mouth from bits of eggshell, and she pan fried steaks in a black skillet until they could be used by NASA as re- entry heat shields. All complaints were met with the same response. “If you don’t like it, you’re just not hungry enough.” And she was right. Hunger does make many very strange things look and taste just fine. The lesson here is that if you don’t cater to your child’s picky tastes, but keep the right foods stocked and serve the meal you want, survival instincts will trump everything else and move him in the right direction. I was able to broaden my children’s taste for a variety of foods without any controversy. If they said they didn’t like something, I wouldn’t push them, provided they ate just one bite. Over time they became familiar with the food’s taste and texture, and they learned to like it. Believe me. It works. Try it on yourself. Take a food you don’t like and take one small taste each time you are around it. I guarantee that after several tastings you will develop a taste for it. I kept some junk food around the house because I didn’t want it to seem special and have the kids running after it when they were out. If you try to force eating habits or for that matter anything, if you exert too many controls, you will too often get unwanted results. A child’s instincts will lead them down the right road, if only you let them find it for themselves. For those of you who do not know it, a healthy well-conditioned body provides a quality of life that is as important as education, career and whatever else a child is being prepared for. My parents’ generation seemed to never think about their health. They didn’t exercise and ate whatever tasted good. A lot has been learned since then, and it is important that your children learn through your example the importance of diet, exercise and maintaining a healthy body. It adds to longevity, but far more important is it adds to the quality of life, every day. These benefits improve all things physical and equally all things mental. Richard Branson from The

4. Virgin Group was asked what single element was most important and common to all of his successes. He answered, “Exercise.”