Comfort With the Bereaved

1. Comfort With the Bereaved Grief Ministry R. W. Bell 02-99; rev. 10-00

2. Grief: Some Definitions • Grief - the subjective feelings that are brought about by a significant loss. • Mourning - the process by which grief is resolved; the societal expression of grief. • Bereavement - being deprived of something /someone (bereft) & in mourning.

3. Dynamics of Grief • Grief, a multifaceted response to loss, • is the NORMAL & NECESSARY response to loss; • affects every dimension of one’s personal life (BASICS); • is “choiceless,” whereas one may choose how one grieves; • is common to all ages—including infants & children; • is unique to each individual; each grieves differently; and, • is a wound that takes time & attention in order to heal properly.

4. Stages of Grief • Numbness & Denial - 5 to 7 days • Yearning - several weeks • Disorganization & Despair - one year + • Reorganization - > thirteen months + • Source: The empirical research of Colin Parkes as cited in David K. Switzer, “Grief & Loss,” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care & Counseling, Rodney J. Hunter, ed. (Nashville, TN: Abingdon, 1990), 473.

5. Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning + Wolfelt’s Fifth Task • To Accept the Reality of the Loss • To Work Through the Pain of the Grief • To Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing • To Emotionally Relocate the Deceased & Move on with Life • To Establish a Relationship with the Accurate Memory of the Deceased Person • J. William Worden, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 2nd ed. (NY: Springer, 1991) 10-18; James A. Fogarty, “The Grieving Child” Seminar, Greenville, SC, January 26, 1998.

6. How Grief Can Go Awry • Absent Grief • Distorted Grief • Converted Grief • C-h-r-o-n-i-c G-r-i-e-f

7. Four Nodal Points At Which Pastoral Care Is Most Needed • At the time one is aware of dying or at the time of death • During the ritual leave-taking • Around the sixth month following the loss • On the anniversary or other important days (holidays, holy days, graduations, weddings, mother’s/father’s day, etc.)

8. Purposes of the Funeral • To Worship God • To Thank God for the Life of the Deceased • To be Comforted by God’s Word • Andrew Patterson Blackwood, The Funeral: A Source Book for Ministers (Philadelphia: Westminster, 1942; reprint, Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1972).

9. Helping Families to Grieve • Help in communicating feelings and perceptions among family members may be needed. • Caregiver may invite the family to address together: • 1) The Story of the Wound (Illness) • 2) Worries and Fears • 3) Roots (Historical; ancestral goodbyes) • 4) The Family Speaks (“Tell me about . . .”) • 5) Blessings

10. Grief Resolution Approximations • Natural or Normal Death - 2 years • Accidental Death - 3 years • Suicide - 4 years • Homicide - 5 years • Death of a Child - No Closure • H. Norman Wright, “Exploding the Myths - Loss, Part II,” in Crisis Care: Hope for the Hurting Video Series (Grace Products Corp., 1996).

11. Grief Over the Death of a Child • Divorce rate among couples who experience the death of a child is around 85%.Commonly cited statistic among The Compassionate Friends support group. • “Shadow grief” - grief that is never totally resolved. Ronald J. Knapp, Clemson University Sociologist, “When a Child Dies: How Parents React and Cope with One of Life’s Most Devastating Losses,” Psychology Today, 21 (July 1987), 67. • Gender differences in grieving can drive couples apart. • Each partner is emotionally unavailable; perhaps angry, blaming.

12. Some Myths About Loss & Grief • “Replace the lost thing as soon as possible.” • Avoids necessary “paining through” process of healing • “Grieve alone.” • Deadly danger of depression & despair • “Time heals all wounds.” • Support withdrawn too soon • “God never puts more on you than you can bear.” • Minimizes the loss; positions God against the mourner; imposes a “should” (one “should” get through this without aid from others - but compare II Cor. 1:3-5)

13. Recovery Steps to Loss • Be sensitive to what the grieving person needs • Try to identify what does not make sense about the loss to the grieving person • Treat the feelings like a guest • Explore what steps/actions the grieving one needs to take to overcome the loss • Teach how to measure the intensity of their grief (chart it; scale of 1-10) • Focus on strengths in the persons life • Inform about the stages of grief (NOT Kübler-Ross’ stages of dying!!) • Assist in saying goodbye • Write letters (form of saying goodbye) • H. Norman Wright, “Exploding the Myths - Loss, Part II,” in Crisis Care: Hope for the Hurting Video Series (Grace Products Corp., 1996).

14. How to Help the Grieving - N. Wright • Help identify the loss • Help them change their relationship with what they lost • Help them find new ways to function (may involve a new identity) • Help them replace the emotional investment • H. Norman Wright, “Exploding the Myths - Loss, Part II,” in Crisis Care: Hope for the Hurting Video Series (Grace Products Corp., 1996).

15. Pastoral Responses to the Grieving • Be present (practice Incarnational theology) • Avoid empty platitudes and theologically anemic clichés • “Mourn with those who mourn.” Rom. 12:15b • Listen, Listen,listen,listen,listen,listen, listen,listen,listen,listen, listen, . . . • Offer hope, but not false promises • Follow-up & invite stories (re-membering) • Accurate empathy, Non-possessive warmth, Inherent genuineness

16. The Wounded Healer: Self-Care • Be aware of how loss affects you, your unresolved grief, & implications for ministry and personal relationships. • Adopt a healthy “form-fulness” for your own grief. • Accept help for your own grief. Experience God’s power to heal you.

17. Remember: • God is the “Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. . . . Through Christ our comfort overflows.” • (II Cor. 1:3b-4, 5b)

19. Children’s Concerns In Grief • In times of grief, especially at the death of a loved one, the child’s greatest concern is “Who will take care of ME?” • Children can handle any loss if provided with: • Safety • Security • Simple, Honest Answers

20. Evaluating Children’s Grief • Expect children’s grief to require the passage of time before expression & eventual resolution. Therefore,timeliness is not a useful consideration in evaluating children’s grief. • Instead, it is the intrusiveness into the child’s life created by the grieving that must be considered. • Grief’s intrusiveness can appear at any time--even years after the event of loss. • Goal: diminution of longing for the deceased so that development and life may proceed.

21. How Children Cope With Grief May Be Summed Up In One Word: • PLAYING

22. Experiencing Death: A Developmental Perspective • Ages 2-7 characterized by magical thinking & egocentricity. Death seen as temporary & reversible. • Ages 7-11 see death as irreversible but that it won’t happen to them, just to the old & sick. • Ages 9-12 understand death as permanent & irreversible; more aware that they could die too. • The knowledge that death is irreversible, inevitable, & universal does not occur until about age 9-10 years. (Nancy Boyd Webb, ed., Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners (NY: Guilford, 1993).

23. Helping Children to Grieve 1 • The following gleaned from James A. Fogarty, “The Grieving Child: Comprehensive Treatment & Intervention Strategies” (Tucson, AZ: Carondelet Health Care, 1998) + The American Academy of Bereavement. • It is vital to understand the cognitive functioning of children and its role in their ability to grieve and to cope with loss. • Children ages 0-2 have no defenses (little vocabulary, no abstract thinking ability, limited social network, etc.). Tend to absorb the emotions of those around them. Beliefs about self become deeply embedded at this age.

24. Helping Children to Grieve 2 • Children ages 2-7 still greatly influenced by parental emotional state but are developing their own separate emotional state. • Imagination and memory become available as coping mechanisms.

25. Helping Children to Grieve 3 • Age 8: Abstract reasoning ability develops. • Ages 9-12: Becoming more adult in thoughts, but child-like beliefs continue. • Repression of emotions now more probable. • Increasing dependency upon language to express feelings, yet still use play as a means of dealing with emotions/thoughts.

26. Helping Children to Grieve 4 • Early Adolescence: tends to focus on the biological & physical aspects of death (bodily change/growth vs. death contrast). • Are both fearful of & fascinated with death. • A time of theorizing about death. • Increased concern about spiritual matters. • Teens often need permission to grieve. • Need healthy models of grieving. • Anger (passive or aggressive) may be grief related.

27. The End

29. Seven Tasks of Mourning • Acknowledge the Reality of the Loss • Identify & Express the Emotions of Grief • Commemorate the Loss • Acknowledge Ambivalence • Resolve Ambivalence • Letting Go • Moving On • David A. Crenshaw, Bereavement: Counseling the Grieving Throughout the Life Cycle (NY: Continuum, 1990), 22-26.