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The Two Realms of Fairness

The Two Realms of Fairness. The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge) The Learned Realm. Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions. If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically. Love conquers all.

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The Two Realms of Fairness

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  1. The Two Realms of Fairness • The Universal Realm…We’re Wired for Justice (but also for revenge) • The Learned Realm

  2. Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions • If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my needs and be fair automatically. • Love conquers all. • What’s fair is intuitively obvious. • It isn’t fair for me to put my needs ahead of someone I love. • Since I am a good person, my take on things is usually fair. • The past is the past and has nothing to do with how fair my relationship is now. • You can only have a fair relationship if the other person changes. • Insight just excuses bad behavior.

  3. Defining the New Fairness • A working definition: Four Key Elements: • Reciprocity • Acknowledgment • Claims • Trust

  4. The SeeSaw of Reciprocity Fig. 1, Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage, Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin,2009

  5. Balancing Give-and-Take • Errors in Give and Take • You can give too much. • You can take too much.

  6. Relating from the Well of Trust Fig.2 Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage, Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin, 2009.

  7. The Four Basic Violations of Fairness • Loyalty Conflicts • “Stupid” Fights • Growing Pains • Enduring Injustice

  8. Loyalty is a Payback Fig 3. Try to See It My Way: Being Fair in Love and Marriage. Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin, 2009.

  9. Loyalty: The Ties that Bond and Bind • And marriage makes three: loyalty systems • Two tribes • Marital Loyalty: Choosing Between • Parents and Spouse • New Spouse and Children • You owe something to everyone…including yourself

  10. “Stupid Fights” • You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when I’ve asked you not to, over and over again. • You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up. • You accepted a holiday invitation to your mother’s without asking me. • I can’t plan our weekends because your kids won’t ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in. • You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean up. • Why’d you order that movie? You know I don’t like Rambo.

  11. Money, Children, Chores and Sex: Resolving Fairness and the Growing Pains of Love • Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of Fairness • The Chore Wars: Who Does More? • Money: Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides? • Money: Separate, Equal and Unhappy • Jealously…Choose ME!

  12. The Baggage You Bring to Relationships • “Everybody’s got baggage…but my husband was not a neat packer.” Ellie, married sixteen years, divorced five. • “You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I wore diapers too. What’s it got to do with today?” (John, eight years, second marriage)

  13. Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness • 1. Protection and preservation of the primary relationships with your mother, father, siblings and extended family • 2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting • 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and child • 4. Being valued • 5. Negotiation of fairness issues • 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust

  14. Benefits of Repair • Increased ability to take personal responsibility • Increased empowerment and self-advocacy • Interrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness cycle • Use of voice over exit

  15. The Relationship Survival Kit • Recognizing the Injustice Done • Acknowledging the Harmful Consequences • Making a Claim to Restore Fairness • Replenishing Trust

  16. Enduring Injustice: To the Brink and Back to Fairness • Scenes from the minefields • The Paradox of Enduring Injustice • A New Model of Fairness Emerges

  17. Your Fairness Toolbox • You can learn to be fair • Let go of a one-sided perspective • Practice what you’ve learned • Improve the relationship skills you learned in childhood • Risk being vulnerable again • Repair is a two-way street

  18. References • BIBLIOGRAPHY • Amato, P.How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. Cited by Sue Shellenbarger, WSJ Online, Work and Family, July 13, 2006. • Aron, A.,Fischer, H., Mashek, D.,Strong, G.,Li, Haifang, Brown, L.L. 迭eward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94: 327—337. First published May 31, 2005. See Carey, B. • Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Between give & take. NY: Brunner/Mazel: 1986. • Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Krasner, B. Trust-based therapy: A contextual approach. American Journal of Psychiatry, 137, 767—775: 1980. • Boszormenyi-Nagy, I. & Spark, G. Invisible loyalties: Reciprocity in intergenerational family therapy. NY: Harper & Row, 1973. • Cosomides, L. & Tooby, J. Knowing thyself: The evolutionary psychology of moral reasonsing and moral sentiments. Business, Science, and Ethics, 91-127, 2002. • Cotroneo, M. (Winter 1987) Women and Abuse in the Context of the Family. In Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family. Vol. 3. • Eaker,E, Sullivan,L, Kelly-Hayes,M. D’Agostino, R. Benjamin, E. Marital Status,Marital Strain, and Risk of Coronary Heart Disease or Total Mortality: The Framingham Offspring Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, July18, August, 69: 509-513, 2007. • Fruzzetti, A. E. The High Conflict Couple.A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation. CA: New Harbinger Publications: 2006. • Gottman, J. Clinical manual for marital therapy. The Gottman Institute, 2005. • Graham, S. ScientificAmerican.com. Chimps sense of justice found similar to humans. January 26, 2005. From Sarah Brosnan & Fran deWaal, Feb.7, 2005, Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences. • Haidt, J. The happiness hypothesis. NY: Basic Books: 2006. • Hibbs, B. Janet. The context of growth: Relational ethics between parents and children. In L. Combrinck-Graham (Ed.), Family contexts: Perspectives on treatment. NY: Guilford Publications, Inc.: 1989. • Hochschild, A. & Machung, A. The second shift. NY: Penguin: 1989. • Krasner, B., and Joyce, A. Truth, trust, and relationships: Healing interventions in contextual therapy. NY: Brunner/Mazel, 1995, p. 18. • Parker-Pope, T.: Well: Marital Spats, taken to heart. The New York Times, October, 2, 2007, F1. • Perel, E. Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. NYC: Harper Collins, 2006. • Pinker, S. (2008). The moral instinct: Evolution has endowed us with ethical impulses. Do we know what to do with them? The New York Times Magazine, January 13, 2008. Section 6, p.32. • Rosen, I. Payback time: Why revenge tastes so sweet. Cited by Carey, B. The New York Times, p.F1 and F6., July 27,2004. • Shellenbarger, S. How You Interact With Your Kids TodayCan Affect Their Future Romantic Lives. WSJ, Work and Family, July 13, 2006, F1. • Spring, J. with M Spring. After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY: Perennial: 1996. • Thompson, L. Contextual and relational morality: Intergenerational responsibility in late life. In J.A. Mancini (Ed.). Aging parents and adult children. MA: Lexington Books: 1989. • Zaslow, J. ‘It’s All Your Fault’: Why Americans Can’t Stop Playing The Blame Game.The Wall Street Journal, September 14, 2006. Personal Section: Moving On, F1.

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