Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages

1. Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages The Skin The Body Part Series Dec 12, 2010

2. Where are we going in 2010? • Ears, part 1, Itching Ears-- Sep 12 • Ears, part 2, Listening Ears-- Sep 19 • Face and Nose-- Sep 26 • Eyes-- Oct 3 • Arms-- Oct 10 • Mouth--Oct 17 • Hands and Feet--Oct 24 • Mind/Brain--Oct 31 • Heart and Blood-- Nov 7* *Move clocks back (Fall back) • Fall Marriage Panel-- Nov 14 • The Tongue-- Nov 21 • No class Nov 28--T’giv • Skin and nerves– Dec 12 • Private Parts--Dec 19 • No classes Dec 26 and Jan 2 • Classes resume Jan 9, 2011

3. Where are we going? Skin - Today Next week don’t miss it! Mike and the Whole Person. New couples???

4. Where are we going? No classes Dec 26/Jan 2 Class resumes Jan 9, 2011

5. SKIN Getting under someone skins + - Either way you make an impact Skin: most visible, largest, and heaviest organ. Average female, thinnest .05 mm to 1.5 mm * Protection * regulates body temp. * sensory organ with a network of nerves * reveals illness – acts as a mirror.

6. As It Relates to Marriage Scar: injury or disease. Different layer of fibrous tissue that replaces the normal. As we encounter conflict or injury in our marriage (which is inevitable ) what is the result?

7. 4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4 • As we encounter conflict there is a plan and a good result intended. • As a couple discuss your anatomy of conflict in your marriage: • So what are you like in conflict? • What is your vision for conflict in your marriage? • What did your last conflict look like?

8. Skin-it! • Skin-it: Looking at conflict in your marriage! • Each of us have a responsibility and part in managing and resolving conflict in our marriage. • It directly effects your oneness and the outcome of your marriage: • Genesis 2:24 ‘For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’ • Oneness: These two shall be one flesh, shall be considered as one body, having no separate or independent rights, privileges, cares, concerns, etc., each being equally interested in all things that concern the marriage state.

9. As an Individual Write down on a piece of paper one unresolved or recurring conflict where you have hurt your spouse. Keep it to yourself….for now.

10. Tools to put in your bag to finish well • Resolving Conflict: • 1) The goal of your marriage is not to be conflict free but is to handle it correctly when it occurs. • ** we have grown in this** • 2) The choices made during conflict will either drive a wedge or build a bridge. • Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God James 1:19-20 • At you tables: describe what a ‘good’ conflict may look like? • * Anger is the most common structure to conflict. • * Anger is from God: Be angry and yet do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger Eph 4:26

11. Anger Where does it come from in marriage? • Relationally the worlds pattern: 50/50 • Acceptance of the other person becomes based on their performance. • Your motivation becomes for action becomes related to how you feel/entitled to. • Problem is often unmet expectations • Tendency to focus on your spouses weaknesses • You do your part and I’ll do mine

12. Jonah • The word of the Lord came to Jonah…. • Do you have good reason to be angry? • Jonah was: proud - uncharitable Spirit - not humble concerning his own sins - not willing to trust the Lord with his own safety - overlooked the good he had been a part of • Questions: Can you justify your anger? • Is it well for you to be angry so long/often • Should I speak ill of God/others in anger?

13. Ground Rules I Dan Benson The Total Man • **Unresolved conflict can increase the intensity of all future conflicts** • 1. We will recommit ourselves to making our marriage work. • 2. We will attack the problem, not the person. • 3. We will always put people before things. • 4. We will seek to give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. • 5. We will try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. • 6. Never in public.

14. Ground Rules II • 7. We will try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. • 8. We will watch our tone of voice. • 10. We will not be overly defensive, but open to the possibility we might be wrong. • 11. We will avoid these statements: “You ALWAYS…” and “You NEVER…” • 12. We will not dredge up the past sins of the other. • 14. We will talk it out to its conclusion. • 15. We will keep our anger under control

15. As A Couple • As a Couple pull out the conflict written on the paper from earlier in class. • Share the conflict and then pick 3 rules that you think would help this conflict be resolved from the ground rules list.

16. Foregiveness • Ephesians 4:32 • 32Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. • Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, (B)just as God in Christ also has forgiven [a]you. • Tender hearted- compassionate – sympathetic • What I love about Jesus is that He is these things to me…..be Jesus to your mate

17. Christ gives forgiveness: Freely, fully and liberally • All Christians are responsible to seek and grant forgiveness. • The offender needs to seek forgiveness: • Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24 • I was wrong. I should have ________________ • I am sorry I did _______________ and that I caused you to feel _______________

18. Grant it: Colossians 3:12-13 • 12So, as those who have been (A)chosen of God, holy and beloved, (B)put on a (C)heart of compassion, kindness, (D)humility, gentleness and (E)patience; 13(F)bearing with one another, and (G)forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; (H)just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. • 14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

19. Granting forgiveness: • Do it before God: Father, I forgive ________ for hurting me. • Do it directly: I forgive you for _______________. • Do it liberally: Matthew 18:21-22 • 21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, (A)how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to (B)seven times?"  22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to (C)seventy times seven. • Do it humbly: I am messed up too!

20. The Win in marriage is: • - the choice to let go of my anger and desire to get even. • - the desire to set your spouse free from their debt to you. • Taking initiative to express in word and deed to show that trust is being restored. • - a new start