Let ’ s Talk About… Sexual Communication

1. Let’s Talk About…Sexual Communication

2. Good sex vs. awkward sex…What makes the difference?? COMMUNICATION!

3. Breaking the ice…. • Talk about talking • Reading & discussing • Sharing sexual histories • A word on STIs…

4. Discussing STIs With Your Partner(s) • A recent study found that 69 percent of participants with human papillomavirus (HPV), 38 percent with genital herpes and 12-33 percent with HIV, failed to reveal their condition to their new partner(s). • When was the last time you spoke to your partner(s) about STI‘s? • Was it before or after you had engaged in sexual activity? • CONDOMS, of course….BUT, get tested! Honest previous partners? How do you know? • Be specific with your doctor about testing • Disclosure? Inspot.org • Activities that don’t put you at risk……make a list!

5. Discovering your partner’s needs • Ask questions • Self-disclosure • Discuss sexual preferences • Giving permission

6. Assume NOTHING!! • Take responsibility for your OWN pleasure! • A note on masturbation… • Make specific requests • Use “I” language • No means NO!

7. Why discuss sexual consent?? A recent study of over 1,000 people ages 18-25 found that less than half of young adults interpret someone pushing them away as a no, and over 60% would not assume that crying means nonconsent. That same study found that more than one in five people expect intercourse after other kinds of touching, and that 25% of women have been silent when a partner did something sexual to them that they did not want.

8. Why discuss sexual consent?? • Gender role expectations and sexual scripts • Women as undersexed, men as oversexed • Men as initiators, women as recipients • Women as controllers, men as movers • Women controlling their partner’s libido, men seeing women as sexual challenges • Men as unemotional and strong, women as nurturing and supportive • Poor communication & misinterpretation

9. Psychosocial basis of rape • Peggy Reeves Sanday compared rape in 95 societies – rape is influenced by several factors: • Nature of the relations between the sexes • Status of the women • Attitudes that boys acquire during their developmental years • “Rape-prone” societies tolerate/glorify masculine violence • Encourage boys to be aggressive & competitive • View physical force as natural & exemplary • Men tend to have greater economic & political power • Refrain from “women’s work” – child rearing & household chores • Women & men in “rape-free” societies share power & authority & contribute equally to the community welfare

10. Tony Porter “A Call to Men”

11. Sexual Consent • What is “sexual consent?” • An active process of willingly & freely choosing to participate in sex of any kind with someone else, & a shared responsibility for everyone engaging in, or who wants to engage in, any kind of sexual interaction with. • No fear. Safety and boundaries respected • Enthusiasm! YES!!

12. The Essential Rules of Consent • Consent is about everyone involved in the interaction • Consent can ALWAYS be withdrawn • Nothing makes consent automatic or unnecessary • Consent cannot be given in some situations…. Like? • Non-consent means STOP! • A lack of no does not mean yes

13. Consent 101: Use Your Words • Verbal Consent is a must for: • 1st time sexual partners • When a relationship is new or when you or a partner are new to sex in general • When you or your partner want to take the LEAST amount of risk in crossing a line or having your lines crossed • When you or a partner are just learning what you like sexually

14. If you’ve had a sexual relationship with someone before, but its been a while since you were sexual together • When you know or suspect you have a hard time reading nonverbal cues or that your own nonverbal cues may be tricky for someone else to interpret • People who have been sexually assaulted, especially recently or before a lot of healing has occurred

15. What does consent sound like? • May I ____ ? • I’d like to ____: would you like to? If not, what would you like to do? • How do you feel about doing ____? • Are there things you know you don’t want to do? What are they? Mine are ___ • Is there anything you need to feel comfortable or safe when we do ____? • I’m really interested in doing ____ with you, do you want to do that and does the timing feel right for you? • I’d like to have sex tonight, would you? What do you want to do or try?

16. What consent doesn’t sound like… • Let’s do ____ • I want ____ • Last week you really liked it when I ____, so we’ll do that again tonight. • I heard guys/girls really like it when someone ____, so let’s do that, you’ll probably like it. • Everyone likes ____. Its normal. • Let’s just do it! I love you. • You’re ok, right? I know you trust me, right? • What is the difference b/t these statements and the previous ones??

17. Verbal signals of consent & non-consent Consent: • Yes • I’m sure • I know • I’m excited • Don’t stop • More! • I want to… • I want you/it/that • That feels good • I feel good about this • I’m ready • This feels right • I’m not worried Non-consent: • No • I’m not sure • I don’t know • I’m scared • Stop • [silence] • No more • I want to, but…. • Can you please not do… • That hurts • Maybe • I love you, but…. • I don’t know how I feel

18. Consent 102: Non-verbal • Long time sexual partners • When everyone involved has already had a good deal of experience • When you & your partner already communicate nonverbally well in other situations • When you and/or a partner feel VERY confident you can read each other’s more subtle cues • When you have used verbal consent to establish that you’re going to start using more nonverbal consent

19. Nonverbal signs of consent and nonconsent Consent Nonconsent Avoiding eye contact Not initiating any sexual activity Pushing someone away Avoiding touch Shaking head no Discomfort with nudity Crying or sad looking “Closed” body language (tense, turning away, trembling voice) “Just lying there” • Direct eye contact • Initiating sexual activity • Pulling someone closer • Actively touching someone • Nodding yes • Comfort with nudity • Laughter/smiling • “Open” body language (relaxed, turning towards partner, etc.) • Sounds of enjoyment • An active body

20. When someone doesn’t care about consent…. • They act like they are in a big hurry • They act like you or others owe them sex or they owe you sex • They don’t ask you how you’re feeling or what you want • Focused on themselves • Not mentally present • Ignoring your stop signs • Makes you feel unsafe or worried • They react with anger, resentment • They don’t seem to have personal boundaries • Highly intoxicated

21. Consent “check-ins” • How does this feel? • Are you still enjoying this? • Are you comfortable? • Is there anything you need or want right now? • You seem quiet: are you okay? • Anything I should stop doing or do that I’m not doing? • This feels good: does it feel good for you?

22. The Consent Traffic Lights RED Signs you should stop: • You or a partner are too drunk to gauge or consent • Your partner is asleep or passed out • You hope that your partner will say nothing and go with the flow • You intend to have sex by any means necessary

23. YELLOWSigns you should pause and talk: • You’re not sure what the other person wants • You feel like you are getting mixed signals • Example? • You have not talked about what you want to do • You assume that you will do the same thing as before • Your partner stops or is not responsive

24. GREENKeep Communicating: • Partners come to a mutual decision about how far they want to go • Partners clearly express their comfort with the situation • You feel comfortable and safe stopping at any time • Partners are excited!

25. Questions???

26. PBS Documentary: Makers • http://www.makers.com/documentary/ • 13:05 min mark to 18:35