FIU CAPS Victim Empowerment Program

1. FIU CAPS Victim Empowerment Program Conflict in Relationships Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis Sharon “Sherry” Aaron, Director

2. Handling Conflict • Conflict in relationships is normal. • Ways to productively handle conflict in relationships Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

3. Conflict Management: • Extreme anger inhibits ability to think clearly. • Raises possibility that we will say or do something that we will regret. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

4. Conflict Management: • Important to prepare for ways to cope with extreme anger in advance of conflict. • Explain to your partner that you will use the strategy, but agree to discuss the conflict when calmer. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

5. Conflict Management: • Talking about disagreements may result in opportunities to strengthen relationships • But, talking problems through is not so easy. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

6. Conflict Management: • Because: • Sharing our feelings is risky – • We may expose ourselves to ridicule or rejection. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

7. Conflict Management: Sharing our feelings: • Makes us vulnerable. • Can make us feel angry. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

8. Conflict Management: • Anger is a secondary emotion. • What is usually the primary emotion under anger? Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

9. Conflict Management: FEAR Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

10. Conflict Management: • Because: • Sharing our feelings is risky – • We may expose ourselves to ridicule or rejection. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

11. Conflict Management: • Because sharing our feelings • makes us vulnerable. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

12. Conflict Management: • Because: • We may have to recognize (admit) that we have contributed to the problem; Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

13. Conflict Management: • Because: It could involve a willingness to change Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

14. Conflict Management: • But, talking about conflict can strengthen our relationships. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

15. Conflict Management: • We take a stance in a conflict – and it is different from the stance of our partner. • Our stance includes needs, concerns, and fears. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

16. Conflict Management: • The same is true for our partners. • Their stance includes needs, concerns and fears. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

17. Conflict Management: • The first enemy of solving the conflict is: • Our natural need to want to explain our side first. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

18. Conflict Management: • Our second enemy to solving the conflict is: ineffective listening. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

19. Conflict Management: • Listening means more than waiting our turn to talk. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

20. Conflict Management: • Listening involves a real effort to understand another person’s perspective. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

21. Conflict Management: Another Fear about sharing our feelings is: • Fear that it might not go our way. • Fear of losing something important to us. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

22. Conflict Management: Another important fear about sharing our feelings: • Fear that we will be made to look foolish or lose face. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

23. Conflict Management: And… • Fear of the truth…. that we may be wrong. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

24. Conflict Management: • Another enemy is the assumption that one of us has to lose if the other is going to win: that such differences can only be solved competitively. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

25. Conflict Management: • But, there are effective tools to find positive solutions and strengthen relationships out of disagreements. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

26. Conflict Management: • Two principles have been found to be highly effective in handling disagreements productively. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

27. Conflict Management: • Seek first to understand • Then, to be understood. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

28. Conflict Management: • If we encourage our partners to explain their side first, they will be more likely to listen to ours. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

29. Conflict Management: • Sometimes, listening will involve allowing the other person to vent their emotions before they can talk about their needs, concerns and fears. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

30. Conflict Management: • It can be wise and honorable to withdraw to avoid escalation of a dispute. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

31. Conflict Management: • In our romantic relationships, it can be gracious to yield if our position is not as important to us as it is to our partner. • Sometimes, we will need to stand firm. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

32. Conflict Management: • If we feel continually obligated to give in or let another have their way, we may psychologically withdraw or stop caring. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

33. Conflict Management: • If we avoid problems, it only weakens our relationships. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

34. Conflict Management: • If we tell others about the conflict, they only hear our side. They will agree with us. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

35. Conflict Management: • Once we have support from a friend, we may feel justified in our behavior and not try to put much energy into solving the conflict—which weakens our relationships. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

36. Conflict Management: • But, talking to each other about conflict can strengthen our relationships. Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis

37. Florida International University Sharon “Sherry” Aaron, LCSW CAPS Victim Empowerment Director 305-348-2277 305-348-3000 24-hour crisis hotline Billikopf, Gregorio (2003) Conflict Management Skills, Univ of Calif Davis