Give advice:

1. His name was Bob. He was a photographer. He lived in New York. He had brown hair. He had glasses. He was 40 years old. Almost two months ago, there was something under his rug. The thing just came out of the floor and scared Bob. Bob was sitting in his chair reading when he noticed the thing that came out of the floor. He hit the thing that came out of the floor. It looked like a bump under the rug and it disappeared. Two weeks passed. It happened again. Bob thought fast this time. Bob picks up the chair and slams it down. This time he hit the thing. The thing let out a noise and disappeared. I waited a month but the thing never came back. I was thinking about getting someone to come see if it was still around but instead I did it myself. Bob picked up the rug and he saw two holes. They were where he never stepped so Bob never noticed and Bob saw that they were two mouse holes and Bob got some men to come fix them. Bob never knew what happened to the mouse he hit with the chair when it came up from the floor that time but he’s pretty sure he killed it because he never heard mice after that. Sometimes he heard the ones he didn’t hit but they weren’t to loud so he didn’t mind them. Now that the mice left he doesn’t have problems any more and it is peaceful and quiet in the house where the there was once something under the rug.

2. Give advice: • Focus on : • Show, don’t tell • Exploding moments • Fixing POV switches • Varying sentence length.

3. This is exciting! I like how the bump appears so suddenly. I think you could make this stronger by showing us how Bob is scared. E.g. “His face was white as a sheet, and his hands trembled.”(SOPHS). His name was Bob. He was a photographer. He lived in New York. He had brown hair. He had glasses. He was 40 years old. Almost two months ago, there was something under his rug. The thing just came out of the floor and scared Bob. Bob was sitting in his chair reading when he noticed the thing that came out of the floor. He hit the thing that came out of the floor. It looked like a bump under the rug and it disappeared. Two weeks passed. It happened again. Bob thought fast this time. Bob picks up the chair and slams it down. This time he hit the thing. The thing let out a noise and disappeared. I waited a month but the thing never came back. I was thinking about getting someone to come see if it was still around but instead I did it myself. Bob picked up the rug and he saw two holes. They were where he never stepped so Bob never noticed and Bob saw that they were two mouse holes and Bob got some men to come fix them. Bob never knew what happened to the mouse he hit with the chair when it came up from the floor that time but he’s pretty sure he killed it because he never heard mice after that. Sometimes he heard the ones he didn’t hit but they weren’t to loud so he didn’t mind them. Now that the mice left he doesn’t have problems any more and it is peaceful and quiet in the house where the there was once something under the rug. Sounds like an intense battle! You should explode this moment so your readers can feel like they’re there. (E.g. How Bob felt, if anything was broken during the fight, etc). (SOPHS.) I noticed that you switched from 3rd person to 1st person POV here. You should change it to 3rd to match the rest of the story. (E.g “Bob waited a month…”(BASIC) These sentences are all long. Try breaking a few of them up into smaller sentences for more variety. (E.g. “Bob saw that there were two mouse holes. The next day, he called a repair man to come fix them.”(STRONG).

4. Writer’s Plan • Based on my conference with Jane, I am going to focus on exploding moments and using sensory detail. I plan to explode the moment Jane suggested and find one other moment to explode (maybe the second time the mouse comes). I will also refer back to the show, don’t tell strategies sheet to help me add more detail and excitement to these moments. • I am also going to proofread to check my POV throughout the whole story.