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Revising a Claim

Revising a Claim. I know what I’m trying to say, but how do I say it like an 8 th grader?. First Changes: Yes , S tudents should have to wear uniforms. Even Better: Wearing school uniforms will decrease violence in schools. Current Claim: Yes, students should have to wear uniforms.

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Revising a Claim

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  1. Revising a Claim I know what I’m trying to say, but how do I say it like an 8th grader?

  2. First Changes:Yes, Students should have to wear uniforms.Even Better:Wearing school uniforms will decrease violence in schools. Current Claim: Yes, students should have to wear uniforms.

  3. First Changes:I think Students should not have to wear uniforms because they will lose their individuality.Even Better:Requiring students to wear uniforms takes away the students’ individuality. Current Claim: I think students should not have to wear uniforms.

  4. Revising Evidence I have facts. That’s enough, right?

  5. Current Evidence:Since 1994, school crime has decreased by 76%.First Changes: Since 1994, school crime has decreased by 76% in the Long Beach Unified School District.Even Better:Since 1994, school crime has decreased by 76% in the Long Beach Unified School District (Svensen).

  6. Revising Commentary “Because” just isn’t enough.

  7. Current Commentary:This is important because it tells you that my claim is true.First Changes:This The Long Beach example is important because it tells you proves thatmy claim is trueuniforms decrease crime in schools.Even Better:Before uniforms were required, the Long Beach district was a large district with many problems with crime. The changes in the Long Beach students prove that uniforms change crime rates in school.

  8. Wrap it Up! Don’t forget to make a closing statement.

  9. Current Conclusion:And this proves my claim.First Changes:It is better for students to wear uniforms.Even Better:It is clear that requiring students to wear uniforms will decrease school violence.

  10. Wearing school uniforms will decrease violence in schools. Since 1994, school crime has decreased by 76% in the Long Beach Unified School District (Svensen). Before uniforms were required, the Long Beach district was a large district with many problems with crime. The changes in the Long Beach students prove that uniforms change crime rates in school. It is clear that requiring students to wear uniforms will decrease school violence.Works Cited:Svensen, Ann. “School Uniforms: Pros and Cons.”  http://school.familyeducation.com Family Education, n.d., Web. 08 Nov. 2013.

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