Overindulgence & Teaching Responsibility

1. Overindulgence&Teaching Responsibility Facilitated by Lori Zierl Pierce County UW-Extension Family Living Agent

2. What Is Overindulgence? • Giving children too much, too soon, too long • Giving things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests and talents • Giving things to children to meet the adult’s needs, not the child’s needs

3. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) • Giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children • Children experience scarcity in the midst of plenty

4. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) • Overindulgence is doing or having so much of something that it does active harm or at least stagnates and deprives that person of achieving their full potential

5. What Is Overindulgence? (Continued) • Overindulgence is a form of child neglect • It hinders children from doing their developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

6. Are You Overindulgent? • Do you suspect that you might be overindulging your children?

7. Overindulgence • Undercuts self-discipline

8. Clues to Overindulgence • Hinders child from learning tasks that support development and learning • Gives disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children • Benefits adult more than child • Child’s behavior potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

9. Hazards of Overindulgence • Trouble learning delayed gratification • Trouble giving up being the center of attention • Trouble becoming competent in: • Everyday skills • Self-care skills • Skill of relating to others

10. Hazards of Overindulgence (continued) • Trouble taking personal responsibility • Trouble developing a sense of personal identity • Trouble knowing what is enough • Trouble knowing what is normal for other people (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

11. What is Enough? • Too Little • Enough • Abundance • Too Much

12. Who Overindulged? • Both parents 43% • Mom 42% • Dad 11% • Grandmother 4% (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

13. How Were Children Overindulged? • 53% Having things done for child • 41% Clothes • 36% Privileges • 35% Toys • 32% Allowed to dominate family • 32% Not having to learn skills that were expected of other children (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

14. Reasons Parents Overindulged • 49% Issues stemming from the parent • 18% Death of a loved one • 15% Illness • 10% Birth order (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

15. Areas of Overindulgence • Too many things • Over-nurturing • Soft structure

16. Too Many Things • Clothes 41% • Toys 35% • Lessons 22% • Entertainment 18% • Holidays 17% (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

17. Too Many Clothes • “I’ve got nothing to wear.”

18. Too Many Toys • Children’s play is children’s work • Are today’s toys merely preparing children to become consumers?

19. Too Many Activities • “Many families are over-scheduled outside the family and under-scheduled inside the family.” (The Intentional Family by William Doherty)

20. Look For Balance

21. What is Nurturing? • All the ways we provide for the soft needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention, support, stimulation, recognition and response

22. Over-nurtured Adults Say… • Parents did things for me that I should have done myself • Parents gave me too much attention • I was allowed lots of privileges • Parents made sure I was entertained (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

23. Too Much Over-nurturing • Nurturing becomes overindulgence when it involves doing things for children they are able to do, and should be expected to do, for themselves

24. Over-nurturing • When parents over-function for a child able to function for herself, the child tends to under-function

25. What is Structure? • Structure is the firm side, the “how to” of care • It’s the bones

26. Overindulged Adults Say… • Parents did not expect me to do chores • Not expected to learn same skills as other children • Parent’s didn’t have rules or make me follow the • Parents gave me too much freedom (How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)

27. Too Soft Structure • No rules • Not enforcing the rules • No chores • Too much freedom • Allowed to dominate the family

28. Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence? • Children fail to learn important life skills • They do not learn how to set and respect boundaries

29. What is Firm Structure? • Reasonable rules that are consistently enforced • Mastery of skills • Learning family values

30. How to Establish Structure • Set limits, boundaries, and standards with rules • Enforce the rules with rewards for compliance and discomforting consequences for noncompliance

31. What is a Rule? • “A principle or standard to which an action conforms.”

32. Chores • The expectation that a child will do chores lets a child know that he is valued as a contributing member of the family

33. Too Much Freedom • Scary for an inexperienced child • Expects children to handle people and situations without having learned how to do so safely or responsibly

34. Good Freedom • Allows children to explore or experiment within the bounds of safety and their abilities • Allows for learning important lessons from experience • Allows for creativity without destruction

35. How to Develop Responsibility in Children • Be a responsible person (role model) • Communicate expectations clearly • Allow children to be involved

36. Developing Responsibility(Continued) • Offer encouragement, love, and attention • Let children know you believe in them • Present task in a way that fits your child’s learning styles

37. Developing Responsibility(Continued) • Responsibility should be age appropriate • Allow for consequences • Children should not be given an allowance for chores

38. Developing Responsibility(Continued) • Allow for mistakes and imperfections • Set limits and give fewer choices if a child repeatedly fails to fulfill his responsibilities • Don’t set your child up to rebel

39. Remember… • Resist redoing a task done by a child • Divide a task into smaller parts to help a child get it done • Parents can encourage a child to do chores by expressing appreciation and encouragement

40. Resources • How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children Clarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004

41. Resources • When Is Enough, Enough?: What You Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied. Meyerson and Ashner, 1996 • Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child John Gottman, 1997 • Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. Clarke and Dawson, 1998

42. Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent UW-Extension Pierce County Pierce County Office Building 412 West Kinne Street, P.O. Box 69 Ellsworth, WI 54011-0069 715-273-6781 University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture and Wisconsin counties cooperating. UW-Extension provides equal opportunities in employment and programming, including Title IX and ADA.