The erotic mind jack morin

1. The erotic mind jack morin Introduction, Chapters 1 & 2

2. Sex & self-discovery • What does it mean for those involved in the act(s)? • Why are certain people, images, & situations so much more stimulating than others? • Why do individual preferences & patterns vary so dramatically? • Why are most of us attached to specific turn-ons? • What do our turn-ons reveal about who we are and what we’re searching for?

3. What is eroticism? • We’re born sensuous and sexual, but we become erotic as we receive both overt & subtle messages about ourselves… • It is the process through which sex becomes meaningful • “The interplay of sexual arousal with the challenges of living and loving”

4. Pathology vs. neat & clean • Pathology model of sex rooted in the concept of sex-as-sin • Freud: erotic urges could wreak havoc • Pathological word for sin is “perversion” • The stigmatized… • Again, what is “normal” sexuality? • Lots of theory from those who are sexually troubled • Must study eroticism in its most positive forms as well

5. Neat & clean • Behaviorists: human sexuality governed by predictable rules of learning…controlled with rewards & punishment • Humanistic: emphasis on human potential and capacity for growth • Masters & Johnson: just remove disruptive impediments; guilt and anxiety • These very impediments might also be turn-ons…(Morin’s point) • How is sexual passion created & intensified? • Uncomplicated, comfortable sex is not the best kind for everyone • Orgasm is not end all be all…eroticism is intertwined with the untidy struggles of being human; complex and unpredictable

6. Attitudes for self-discovery • Suspending Judgments • Set aside critical evaluations long enough to perceive what’s actually there… • Moral convictions • Acknowledge what triggers your critical responses – can you set them aside? • Trusting Yourself • Acknowledge your feelings – the discomfort does not go away overnight ! • Using a Gentle Approach • Be patient with what may have been hidden for quite a while

7. Peak Erotic Experiences • Unforgettable turn-ons are windows into your erotic mind • Can show us our innermost needs and potentials • If revealed, afraid we are abnormal • Must feel safe to disclose and free from judgment and ridicule • What was it like to recall the most arousing encounters of your life? • Why were they so exciting?

8. Erotic memorability • Memorability Factors: characteristics that make any event stand out • Firsts and Surprises • “Firstness” • Men: rite of passage • Women: sense of loss • Shaken by a surprise • Our best encounters often take us to places we’ve never been. Favorite fantasies, on the other hand, cover familiar territory….

9. Erotic memorability cont’ • Idyllic Situations and Partners • Tropical islands, sunsets, meaningful glances… • Many take place on vacation • Easier to set aside inhibitions, take risks, renew romance • Dreamlike qualities • Women: pay more attention to environment, mood, than sexual specifics • Men: emphasis on partner’s body

10. Extensions & Restrictions of Time “This went on for hours.” “We never left the cabin all weekend.” “We made love all night.” “It seemed to last forever.” “We took the time to savor every moment.” The “Quickie”

11. Partners in ecstasy • Who are these people? • Anonymous, Acquaintance, Boyfriend/girlfriend, Primary relationship or spouse, Multiple partners • Real-Life Partners • Fantasy Partners

12. Letting go of judgments • Have you noticed anything so far that you felt inclined to judge? • Write them down in your journal as you go • Pretending to be open-minded is of little use • When you come across something that elicits a strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about it if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity • Note: behaviors and fantasies that initially seem weird or unacceptable become increasingly comprehensible…. • Apply the above to Short Bus tonight

13. The erotic equation • Flames of passion are fueled by a mixture of attractions and obstacles to overcome • ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT • Page 51 2nd paragraph… • “We humans want some restrictions to push against. We just don’t want them to be so harsh that they choke off our sexuality entirely.”

14. Mysteries of attraction • Exploring your attractions deepens and enriches them • Small insights are empowering • Two primary types of attraction: • Lusty & Romantic • “Those who aspire to a healthy erotic life must develop a comfortable relationship with both types of attractions, for each is a part of our humanity.”

15. Lusty attractions • Often linked with disease, pregnant teenagers, sexual abuse, harassment, sexual murders, and even lust murders. • Do you think that lust is a negative force? • Do not reject it completely…. • Provides much of the zest that makes sex fun and self-affirming • Animalistic quality = frightening, exhilarating, or both. • Produces and intensifies sensations of arousal, especially in the genitals!

16. Lust’s object • The nature of lust is to objectify • As a society, we spend BILLIONS of $$$ and hours trying to make ourselves attractive, sexual objects • Fetish • Strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust • A super focused erotic fascination with an inanimate object, ex) shoes • Men vs. Women • Men: the penis, an unavoidable arousal feedback system • Women: genital response less obvious (does’t associate arousal changes with genitals)

17. Dark side of lust • Anything can turn into a dark manifestation • Down playing sexual nature is not healthy • See both positive & negative expressions of our lusty impulses • Can add richness and zest to life • Or, fester and grow hostile if ignored • Understanding them helps you balance and understand the difference between fantasy and behavior

18. Romantic attractions • A craving for a mutual passionate bond with the other person • Limerance: the initial, most intense experience of romantic love. • Intrusive thinking about the person • Acute longing for reciprocation • Dependency of mood on the person’s actions • Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time • Fear of rejection • Intensification through adversity (to a point) • An aching of the heart when uncertainty is strong • Buoyancy when reciprocation seems evident • Intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background • Remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the person and avoid dwelling on the negative

19. Love’s object • Whereas lust objectifies, limerence idealizes • Unable to see faults of the beloved (even when everyone else notices) • Love’s distortions help create a framework for appreciation = fulfilling long-term romantic bonds • Women: girls grow up steeped in the feelings, language, imagery, intimacy • More prepared for the emotions/vulnerability • Men: identity is not established through intimate connections but through achievements, exploits and test • Once he makes leap, feels vulnerable, takes refuge by avoiding or withdrawing

20. The dark side of love • You may begin to feel the need to control your lover…you have crucial emotional interests to protect because your well-being now seems to depend on the actions and feelings of someone else • Want partner to respond to your needs • When limerance is about to die • Adoration turns to fantasy of revenge • Sometimes destructive

21. Enter the obstacles • Stronger response to our attraction if they are more difficult or uncertain through obstacles • Distance: physical, emotional, geographic • Both in love & lust, the challenge is to find an optimal distance… • Wanting what you can’t have (married people) • Dressing and Undressing • Uncertainty and Hope • We want forever & always • Hope fuels the limerance, without it…despair

22. Embracing the paradoxical perspective • Take note of whatever attracted you to your real/fantasy partner • Consider the obvious: physical and personality traits • In what way was he/she similar or different from you? • What did you imagine he/she was like? • What about the fantasy turned you on? • What obstacles added intensity to your peak turn-ons? • Prefer one type of obstacle more than others? • Notice recurring patterns?