Chapter 8 - Friendship

1. Chapter 8 - Friendship

2. Jesus the Friend • Jesus had friendships that were significant to him • Martha, Mary & Lazarus from Bethany • Jesus talks with Martha & Mary (Luke 10:38-42) • Jesus weeps at Lazarus’ death, raises him from the tomb (John 11:1-44)

3. Friendship as Mutual Caring • Friendship usually involves loyalty, acceptance, honesty, availability, generous help, and equality • It has a give-and-take quality that sets it apart from nurturing love and parental love • Friendship is a strong foundation for just about all other types of love

4. Friendship as Mutual Caring • An “I – Thou” Relationship • Essential to friendship – one person sees the other as having value and worth • When we treat another as a subject with an inner life • Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber said when we treat another as an object or thing that can be used for whatever purpose we desire – we are relating to him/her as an “It.”

5. Friendship as Mutual Caring • A Glimpse of the “Eternal Thou” • Buber saw the “I- Thou” relationships we experience as ways of relating to God, the “eternal Thou” • Buber saw encounters with other persons as grace-filled moments • In this understanding our friendships can be sacred experiences, opportunities for grace

6. Who Are Our True Friends? • We can determine who our real friends are by asking these questions: • Do we bring out the best in each other? • Are we loyal to and honest with each other? • Is our relationship mutual and equal? • Do we accept each other for who we truly are? • Are we generous with each other?

7. Who Are Our True Friends? • Bringing Out the Best? • Friendship – like all love – means seeking and fostering what is good for the other person • They encourage us to be the best person we can be • They urge us to use our talents, make positive decisions, and to grow into the most dynamic, loving person we can be.

8. Who Are Our True Friends? • Loyal and Honest? • Newspaper columnist Walter Winchell said that “a friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” • When a friendship is honest, the friends can be open and frank with each other and expect confidentiality • Honesty may also include telling our friend a painful truth about herself or himself. • P.149

9. Who Are Our True Friends? • Mutual and Equal? • Friendship must be a two-way street • We give and receive mutually • Accepting of Who the Other Is? • Our genuine friends accept the total package of who we are, “warts and all.” • However, acceptance does not mean tolerance of just any type of behavior • P.150

10. Who Are Our Friends? • Available and Generous? • Generous acts are especially important between friends • Nowadays, when people’s schedules are so full, one of the most appreciated acts of generosity is the gift of time (p. 151) • Poem p. 152

11. Levels of Friendship • Close Friends - Is there one person in my life to whom I could disclose anything about myself?

12. Levels of Friendship • Acquaintances – Workers, schoolmates, neighbors and social contacts with whom we touch base occasionally

13. Levels of Friendship • Collaborators– People who have a common interest or project that they are working on together (p. 154)

14. Levels of Friendship • Buddies – A friendship that usually forms around a mutual interest or activities • Buddies are fine but don’t take the place of a close friend (p. 155)

15. Levels of Friendship • Relatives as friends – relatives can have a special friendship with each other in ways others cannot. • They can be linked by family history or an event. (p. 156)

16. Developing Friendships: Types of Intimacy • Intimacy – Close association and contact that results in bonding between two persons • Work Intimacy – When people share tasks that bond them to one another in affirming ways • Sharing responsibilities and decisions makes you feel mutual support

17. Intimacy • Emotional Intimacy - When we communicate our sorrows, joys, anger, and disappointments

18. Intimacy • Intellectual Intimacy – When we talk about ideas and opinions and challenge one another to stretch their minds

19. Intimacy • Common Cause Intimacy – People who share an ideal or cause (environmental movement)

20. Intimacy • Crisis Intimacy – You see the strength of others when you experience a crisis together • People, like veterans or survivors, understand that crisis can bring a tremendous depth of intimacy

21. Intimacy • Spiritual Intimacy – the intimacy between people who share a relationship with God or a similar sense of the meaning of life. • It may be expressed in religious practices – worship and shared prayer – or in conversations about life and purpose.

22. Intimacy • Aesthetic Intimacy – when two people appreciate beautiful scenes, music, art, literature, or movies together.

23. Intimacy • Recreational Intimacy – doing something playful together can allow individuals to drop their masks and be themselves.

24. Intimacy • Creative Intimacy – anyone who is in the process of creating, cultivating or nurturing can find intimacy together ( gardeners, new parents)

25. When A Friendship Ends • Why End? The reasons that friendships end are many, but the most common reasons are these: • Distance – Friends that are many miles apart may find it very difficult to maintain their closeness • Over the years the intensity of the friendship diminishes

26. When A Friendship Ends? • Changes in Each Person – Sometimes a friendship ends when one person changes and the other does not, or when both people change in different ways.

27. When A Friendship Ends? • Competition and Envy – sometimes friends are threatened by each other’s achievements or good luck • Maybe they are insecure about themselves or afraid of being left behind • Envy and competition invades the relationship, eating away at it and eventually destroying it.

28. When A Friendship Ends • Money and Favors – Unpaid or slowly paid loans or unreturned favors can lead to resentment and endanger a friendship.

29. When A Friendship Ends • Overdependence - When one person conforms to every wish of the other simply to hold on to him or her as a friend • It does not foster the good of both people • There is no mutual respect or care

30. When A Friendship Ends • Betrayal – Can be so hurtful and damaging to a friendship and sometimes you don’t even see it coming • Your closest friend starts dating your boyfriend/girlfriend • A secret you shared with a friend is suddenly all over school • You hear your friend make sarcastic or humiliating comments to others about you.

31. When A Friendship Ends • Letting Go – Sometimes after things go wrong in a friendship the best thing that we can do is to let go and move on. • Friendship is ultimately a gift that cannot be taken from us, even though our sadness may tell us otherwise for a while

32. A Priceless, Sacred Gift • Our friends bring out the best in us, accept us, and support us. • They can be trusted for their loyalty and honesty • Our relationship is mutual and equal • We need to treat friendships as sacred, as encounters with “Thou” and a glimpse of the “eternal Thou”