Conflict is a Choice, not a Habit

1. Conflict is a Choice, not a Habit

2. A Learning Discussion Suspend Disidentify with your own opinion. Seek to understand. Listen rather than tell. Reflective Dialogue… An Open Mind Explores underlying causes, rules, and assumptions to get to deeper questions and framing of problems, i.e. the root cause. New Learnings Invents unprecedented possibilities and new insights, produces a collective flow. Solves the real issues, not those at the surface. Dialogue Choice Controlled Discussion…A Monologue A Closed Mind Advocacy, competing, blaming, Defend “to ward off, protect from attack”. Telling rather than listening. Debate Resolve by beating down. May never get to the real issue. No learning takes place. Adapted from: Dialogue: The Art of Thinking Together by William Isaacs

3. Conflict Choices Overview & Summary

4. Conflict Choices and Labels “CHALLENGES DIRECTLY” ASSERTIVENESS COOPERATIVENESS “CARE PERSONALLY”

5. Conflict Conversation “What my experience was with you…” Describe what happened? What did I see and hear?“When you did…” Brainstorming both of our needs. “I am curious about what your needs are. What was your story?” How can we get our needs met? Ask permission and “frame” the discussion. Why are you taking this interpersonal risk? What is your end in mind? Feelings How I felt when it happened. What emotions did I feel? “I felt angry or happy or sad or afraid, etc.” How I might have contributed to the problem, and my wants/needs. “How I may have contributed and what I need is… Here was my story…here is what I need going forward.” Consequences/ How it landed on me. My interpretations, conclusions? “What that means to me is….”. What are the consequences?

6. Brainstorm Your Needs/Solutions Together: Collaborate

7. Conflict is a Choice, not a Habit Here are my ingredients for a successful conflict opportunity: Courage: You must have a strong heart and fearlessness to enter into conflict. You need to ask to get your needs met, your values met, whatever you stand for. Curiosity: This curiosity will free you from getting caught in “I am right and you are wrong.” It will keep you out of judgment and defensiveness. It will open up your mind and your heart to places you have never learned or felt before. Consideration: It is not all about you. There is another party involved in the conflict that has a different perspective and need than you. Collaboration: You do not know what someone else’s needs are unless you ask. In order to ask, you need to listen. Conflict means that two parties have different needs. That’s it. So why isn’t it possible for people to ask to get their needs met? Dealing with conflict depends! It depends on what is at stake for you, what you stand for, the results you want, who it is with…I could go on and on. And that is why conflict is so icky, complex, confusing, and juicy! There are many choices in dealing with conflict. Most of our conflict behaviors were learned at an early age and have become habits. It may be in our nature to choose competition (I win you lose) because that is what we learn in school, in society, in the workplace, and many times in our families. Another autopilot response for some is Avoiding (I lose you lose). We may learn this choice from our family of origin, from a painful experience that has become implanted in our brain that protects us from further pain, or simply because we have learned that it just takes too much energy to take on the conflict. Those who choose Accommodating (I lose you win) think that it is better to acquiesce getting their needs met instead of getting into a conflict with anyone about it. Many choose Collaboration (I win you win). They have discovered that this choice builds trust with others. People often ask me what the difference is between Collaborating and Compromising. Collaborators always end up creating something better together than separately, and Compromisers end up with less than what they wanted. The dilemma that occurs is that we may have a “go to” conflict style that has labelled us with others. If we compete all of the time, others will avoid us; if we avoid all of the time, others will ignore us; if we accommodate all of the time, we will get a reputation as a doormat; and if we collaborate all of the time we may get a reputation for never being able to make a decision. So my message is to realize that you have a choice. Between whatever lands on you and how you deal with it is this expansive space full of freedom to choose. Be intentional in your choice.