Abuse Prevention and Support

1. Overview • New Website: https://www.lds.org/get-help/abuse/?lang=eng • Four Sections: • In Crisis: Resources to help individuals in crisis or for those who need to report child abuse. • Help for Victims: Resources to help victims of abuse recover. • How to Help: Resources for leaders to help those who have been abused. • Prevention: Learning how to prevent abuse in the first place.

2. Definition Q: What is Abuse? Abuse is the neglect or mistreatment of others (such as a child or spouse, the elderly, the disabled, or anyone else) in such a way that causes physical, emotional, or sexual harm. It goes against the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form. -Also includes abandonment, demeaning comments, withholding food/medical care. Viewing child pornography is also abuse. Q: What is the Church’s position? “The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form” (Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and Bishops [2010], 17.3.2). Abuse violates the laws of God and may also be a violation of the laws of society. The Lord expects us to do all we can to prevent abuse and to protect and help those who have been victims of abuse. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior. • No Church leader should ever dismiss a report of abuse or counsel a member not to report criminal activity. • Bishops, branch presidents, and stake presidents should call the Church’s ecclesiastical help line immediately each time they learn of abuse for assistance in helping victims and meeting reporting requirements. • Church Hotline: 1-800-453-3860 ext. 2-1911 (North America)

3. In Crisis? • If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or medical or counseling professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. Q: Who do I call? • Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (US and Canada; 170 languages): 1-800-4-A-Child or 1-800-422-4453. Crisis intervention and information, referrals to support services. Confidential 24/7 support. • Children’s Aid in Ontario: http://www.oacas.org/childrens-aid-child-protection/locate-a-childrens-aid-society/ • Other Canadian Provinces: http://cwrp.ca/help Other Online Resources • The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Information on crisis hotlines, mental health guidance, help for abused or neglected children, help for sexually abused children, responding to disasters, and victim assistance and compensation programs. • RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Programs to help prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and bring offenders to justice. • The National Center for Victims of Crime: Resources to assist victims of crime. Help in learning about victim rights and options. • Office for Victims of Crime: Resources that provide services to crime victims.

4. FAQ – Where can I turn for support? • If you are being abused or have been abused in the past, you do not have to face this alone. Friends, family, Church leaders, and others can connect you to resources that will help you feel safe so that you can heal and remember your worth. You are loved, and you can find hope and healing through the Savior Jesus Christ because of His atoning sacrifice. Where Can I turn for Support? • Heavenly Father: Through prayer to your Heavenly Father, seek help, and you will be guided to people who can offer support. • Jesus: The Savior has experienced all your pains and afflictions, even those caused by others, and He knows how to help you (see Alma 7:11–12). • The Holy Ghost: The Holy Ghost can give us comfort, peace, and spiritual strength to keep moving forward. • Family & Friends: You may be surprised at the love and acceptance offered by those you trust. • Professional Help: Many support groups exist as does individual therapy. Other Resources • In Crisis? Talk Now. • “Connect Directory,” Victim Connect resource center • “Support Groups,” healthfinder.gov • LDS Family Services Counseling

5. FAQ – Can I heal from this? Can I Heal from this? The healing process includes the following steps: • Acknowledging and grieving loss • Sharing your burden with others • Recognizing the impact of abuse in your life and seeking professional counseling if needed • Understanding that your abusive experience does not define you • Trusting in God’s capacity to heal Ask yourself the following as you work through this process: • How has abuse impacted my life? • Where am I in the healing process? • What can help me move forward? • Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles declared: “I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. …“Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted” (“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992, 32).

6. FAQ – Can I Forgive? Is it Possible to Forgive? • If you have been a victim of abuse, you may feel that forgiveness is a seemingly impossible task. You may feel that you can never be free of the unhealthy thoughts and feelings. • You may also feel pressure to just “forgive and forget” about the abuse and feel guilty that you are having a difficult time forgiving. • Forgiveness Takes Time: Every injury takes time to heal, and deeper injuries require more time, just as a broken arm takes longer to heal than a paper cut. • Healing Through Jesus: This ability to forgive comes from the power of our Savior Jesus Christ, who, through the Atonement, took upon Himself and felt the very pain you feel now (see Alma 7:11–12). You can be made free of the influence this pain may have over you. What is Forgiveness? • Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the offense ever occurred or pretending it never happened. It does not mean that you allow the abuse to continue. It does not mean that it is possible for all relationships to be healed. And it does not mean the offender will not be held accountable for his or her actions. It means letting go of bitterness and putting the matter in God’s hands. • Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “It is … important for some of you living in real anguish to note what [the Savior] did not say. He did not say, ‘You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.’ Nor did He say, ‘In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.’ But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us, ‘Come, Follow Me’” (“The Ministry of Reconciliation,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2018).

7. FAQ – Has the abuse lessened my worth? Am I still of worth? • Abuse can create confusion in your heart and mind, causing you to question your worth or worthiness. However, abuse does not diminish or take away your worth because your worth never changes. • Sister Joy D. Jones, General Primary President, explained that “spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth” (“Value beyond Measure,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2017, 14). You may have some of the following thoughts or feelings: • I’m not worthy. I am guilty. • God doesn’t love me anymore. Nobody will ever love me. • I am damaged beyond repair. The Savior’s Atonement applies to others, but not me. • I need to be perfect. • Consider the Apostle Paul’s words: “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38–39). Get help to change these beliefs: • The sooner you get help, the easier it will be to develop power over these beliefs. It is never too late to get the help and support you need to work through and dispel these beliefs. • Your worthiness is not determined by anything that happens to you, and you do not need to repent for what someone has done to you. • For those who have been sexually abused, you may feel that you are morally unclean or that you have broken the law of chastity. “Victims of sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. … If you have been a victim of abuse, know that you are innocent and that God loves you” (For the Strength of Youth [booklet, 2011], 36). Your virtue cannot be taken from you by the actions of others.

8. FAQ – Is the abuse my fault? What if I think the abuse is my fault? • “If you are a victim of abuse, you are not responsible for what happened. It does not matter where you were, what you said or did, what you were wearing, or what happened beforehand. Speaking to victims of abuse, Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated, “I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of violence … hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty” (“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992). Abuse victims typically feel the abuse was their fault. Some reasons victims may feel at fault include the following: • They have been accused of lying. • They were told the abuse was their fault. • They think they could have or should have stopped it. • The offender was manipulative. The offender made it seem the abuse was wanted or triggered by the victim. • They feel they did something to encourage it. • They thought the behavior was normal. • They didn’t know that what was happening was abuse. • They were led to believe that they must repent, as if they had somehow sinned by being abused. • No matter what you may feel or what you have been told, you are not to blame for the actions of others.

9. FAQ – Can I have healthy relationships? Can I Build safe, healthy relationships? • Healthy Relationships are Like Flowers: Building relationships is similar to planting and growing seeds. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that a relationship “is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding” (“Marriage and Divorce” [Brigham Young University devotional, Sept. 7, 1976], 6, speeches.byu.edu). • Relationship with Self and with God: Perhaps the most important thing you can do to build relationships with others is to strengthen your relationship with yourself and with God. • Over time and with help from others, you can begin to see yourself differently and treat yourself with patience, kindness, respect, and forgiveness. You can learn to change your unhealthy beliefs and emotions. Healthy relationships include characteristics such as the following: • Respect for each other’s agency and autonomy • Honesty & Trust • Compromising to meet each other’s needs • Open communication of thoughts and feelings • Honoring differences and strengths • Mutual support • Responsibility and accountability • Clear, established boundaries & Respect for others’ boundaries

10. FAQ – How do I trust others? What if I am struggling with trusting others? • It’s normal to be distrustful of others after abuse. Trust takes time and constant nurturance. • Open your own “trust account” and determine what behaviours are deposits (respect, honesty) and what are withdrawals (secrecy, abuse). • The Lord counsels us to be as “wise as serpents, and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16). Adapt closeness with level of trust built over time. Other Resources • “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign or Liahona, May 2008, 40–43 • “The Atonement Covers All Pain,” Kent F. Richards, Ensign or Liahona, May 2011, 15–17 • “Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign or Liahona, May 2017, 39–42 • “Trust,” Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA) • “Trust,” The National Domestic Violence Hotline

11. FAQ – Should I seek professional help? Should I seek Professional Help? • Help can come in various forms. It may include protection by civil authorities, guidance from professional counselors, or support from others. You do not have to bear these burdens alone. • Therapy helps: Most victims heal best when someone believes them, they have their feelings validated, they feel safe and protected, and they understand how the abuse has affected them. Other Resources • “A Bridge to Hope and Healing,” Nanon Talley, Liahona, Apr. 2017 • “Healing from Trauma and Moving On,” HelpGuide.org • LDS Family Services Counseling • The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Information on crisis hotlines, mental health guidance, help for abused or neglected children, help for sexually abused children, responding to disasters, and victim assistance and compensation programs. • RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Programs to help prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and bring offenders to justice. • In Crisis? Talk Now.

12. Stories of Hope 1. Finding My Worth: Person was sexually abused as a child by neighborhood boys and a cousin. She appears as though she is highly functional and serves in leadership callings but is afraid of being “found out” that will result in rejection and a bad reputation. • She feels deep self-loathing as if she is ugly and dirty. Developed Anorexia in attempt to feel in control of something (appetite). • She feels guilty for allowing herself to be molested as a child (though she could not consent) and experienced frequent nightmares. • Talking to her bishop helped and finding her sense of worth again through the Gospel. She needed to learn to trust God again. Seeing righteous men gives her hope that some men can be trusted. 2. Learning Day by Day: Woman was raped on two different occasions and felt used, worthless and ashamed. Sought help from Bishop and learned to set boundaries and exercise self-compassion. • She learned that Christ experienced what she went through and was able to heal her. She learned God was involved in the details of her life and that the protection of angels is real. • She Learned she was battling the adversary on a daily basis and need to put on the “armor of God.” • The experience has brought forth an “inner strength” that wasn’t there before.

13. Stories of Hope 3. I Can Feel Peace Again: Person grew up in dysfunctional family where older brother sexually and physically abused him for years and threatened to kill him if he didn’t cooperate. He felt abandoned by God. • Abuse recovery program was very therapeutic as it connected with people who understand and don’t judge. He felt accepted and like his future was bright. • Talking to her bishop helped and finding her sense of worth again through the Gospel. She needed to learn to trust God again. Seeing righteous men gives her hope that some men can be trusted. 4. One Day at a Time: Woman was repeatedly sexually abused by her brother and cousin growing up. Her brother baptized her and went on a mission. She didn’t disclose to her husband until after 13 years of marriage. • Individual and group counselling really helped this person. Bad days occur less frequently over time. 5. Gaining a Renewed Sense of Self: Woman was beaten by her father repeatedly since 8 years old and became very angry and depressed. • She felt it was her duty to keep the abuse a secret to protect her family. • Eventually she went on a mission and got counselling on her mission for the abuse. She thought the counselor would minimize her issue and say it wasn’t a real problem. • Therapy lasted for a year and really helped to change her thoughts and behaviours. • “I had a better sense of who I was, how to handle conflict, what trust felt like, and what to do when dark and negative thoughts clouded my mind. I came out of therapy ready, instead of scared, for life.”

14. Stories of Hope 6. Finding Pinpoints of Light: Woman was in an abusive marriage for 9 years until she followed “pinpoints of light” that helped her get out. • She realized she couldn’t fix her husband and eventually gained her financial independence and went to a women’s shelter. • The adversary would try to keep her in the abusive marriage by telling her nobody would want her. The “pintpoints of light” will help anyone leave an abusive marriage. 7. My Journey: Boy abused since the age of 6 by a cousin 10 years older than him. He eventually reported his cousin which caused a division in his family. • Family didn’t want to “take sides.” Eventually he had to forgive his cousin and those who did not validate him. • He realized the Savior already paid the price of this sin on him and found healing through Him.

15. How to Help Victims Believe them, protect them and connect them with help such as civil authorities, doctors, counsellors, church leaders and community resources. You can help them find healing through Jesus Christ. • 1. Listen: Don’t panic but be calm and understanding. Understand abuse causes deep pain, distorted thinking and unhealthy behaviors. • 2. Take the Disclosure Seriously: False reports of abuse are rare. Reassure of protection. • 3. Do not blame the person: Abuse is never justified and it is the perpetrator’s fault. • 4. Seek Help by reporting to civil authorities. • 5. Connect the Person with Resources. Connect them with medical, legal, counselling and ecclesiastical authorities.

16. Recognizing Signs of Abuse • You are neither expected nor encouraged to diagnose abuse. This information can help you recognize when professional intervention may be needed. • Acting differently than they normally do • Exhibiting increased aggressive behavior • Being jumpier or more on guard • Having difficulty with sleep or having nightmares • Withdrawing and not wanting to be around other people • Losing interest in activities they once liked • Having unexplained physical injuries • Being more moody (angry, depressed, sad) than normal • Being preoccupied with sex • Engaging in harmful behaviors (this could include self-harm, drug use, and risky or unhealthy sexual behavior) • These signs don’t always indicate someone is being abused and not everyone abused shows these signs.

17. Help For Parents • It is normal to feel shock, pain, anger, disbelief and sadness. • The Parent isn’t responsible for the abuse, the only one responsible is the abuser. Why might a child not want to talk about the abuse? • Children often act as if everything is fine but it’s usually shame, avoidance of trauma, fear of getting in trouble, fear of retribution or the inability to verbalize that prevent a child from talking. Seek counselling for your child. How do you handle abuse from a close family member? • If child is being abused by another family member then removing the offender may be the best option. • In some situations, family reunification may eventually be possible through help from civil authorities and professional counselors. In other situations, family reunification may not be advised. How can parents prevent abuse? • Parents need to educate their kids on abuse, be engaged with their lives and maintain open communication.

18. Help for Leaders – Responding to Abuse Claims • First responsibility is to protect the abused and prevent future abuse. • Fulfill all legal obligations of reporting to civil authorities. • Never dismiss an abuse claim or counsel a member not to report to the authorities. • Call the help-line immediately. There is never an exception to this rule. Consult Handbook 1 17.3.2 • All church leaders, not just Bishops, must do their part in reporting abuse to authorities. • Bishops must ensure child gets proper care and counselling. • Ward Council Training:https://www.lds.org/get-help/abuse/protecting-members-and-reporting-abuse?lang=eng

19. Understanding Church Policy Prevent • Teach the doctrine that Abuse is unacceptable and give training on abuse to leaders. • At least 2 adults must be present at every activity for children. • Membership records identify former abusers. Windows in all classrooms. • Congregation members watch over each other. Assignments to serve with children must be approved by entire congregation. • Frequent Personal interviews by local leaders. Report • 24 Hour Help-Line for leaders that will give the leader a plan for responding to abuse. • Church cooperates with authorities as they investigate. • Other congregational leaders are made aware so they can be vigilant. Address the Abuse • Leaders meet frequently with victim to help with healing. • Church Encourages and provides professional counselling for victims. • Church supports investigation, counselling and prosecution for abuser. • Abuser faces church discipline and can never work with kids again even if repentant.

21. First Presidency Letter March 2018 First Presidency Letter asks all Leaders to become familiar with policies on abuse. Teach the Doctrine • Leaders are charged with protecting each individual. • Abuse in any form is sinful and tragic and condemned without reservation. • The Savior extends succor, healing and strength to victims through His Atonement. • Those who abuse others are accountable to God and can be forgiven if they fully repent and change. Preventing Abuse • At Home: live the gospel and teach children how to recognize and respond to abuse. Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse: Helps for Members (1997) and Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse: Helps for Members (1997). • Church: Ministering brothers shouldn’t visit individual women alone. When meeting with youth have an adult outside the office or in the office. Two adults for overnight activities of same gender in a room. This information should be taught in Ward councils and then in presidency meetings in a ward.

22. Leaders – Facilitating Healing Church leaders should not treat mental health problems that arise from abuse. LDS Family Services is available for consultation on cases. There are four steps a Priesthood leader should take: 1. Seek to understand. 2. Meet Regularly. 3. Help person feel safe. 4. Support the family and connect with resources. 1. Seek to Understand by asking the following questions: • What is happening? • Who is involved? • How often and how long has this been happening? Is there a pattern? • Is the abuse ongoing or was it in the past? • How safe do you feel? • How safe are others around you? • What help have you already sought? • Who else have you talked to about this (such as family, parents, Church leaders, or civil authorities)? • What are your immediate needs? • How has this affected your faith? • Is there anything else about this abuse that I should know

23. Leaders – Facilitating Healing 2. Meet regularly with the member to help him or her understand how to gain healing through the Savior and His Atonement (see Alma 7:11–12; 2 Nephi 9:21; D&C 88:6). • Commend him or her for displaying the courage to tell you about the abuse. • Reassure the victim that he or she has no need to repent for being a victim of abuse. • Encourage the member to seek a priesthood blessing. • Be sensitive to the victim’s own healing process, which may take significant time. Do not try to rush or dictate the process. Allow the victim to work through his or her own feelings and challenges related to the abuse before counseling the member about forgiving the offender. • Drugs, alcohol, sex and suicide are some of the potential consequences of the abuse. • They wonder if they are still loved by others and God. • Help them see the abuse is never their fault.

24. Leaders – Facilitating Healing 3. Help the member feel safe. • Help the member identify places and people who he or she feels safe with. • Help the member, as necessary, to develop a safety plan. • If you believe that the victim’s safety may be threatened, consult with the help line professionals or area legal counsel to determine an appropriate plan of action. • Invite the member to consider removing himself or herself and others, as necessary, from the abusive situation. Help the member to act for himself or herself rather than be acted upon. • Refrain from making decisions on the member’s behalf or telling the member what to do. • Help the member understand that he or she can be guided by personal revelation to know how to respond to the situation and make decisions. Helping the member establish an age-appropriate sense of control in his or her response to the situation is critical to the member’s emotional well-being and hope for the future. 

25. Leaders – Facilitating Healing 4. Support the Family • Abuse impacts the family members as well as the individual. Determine the impact on the member's spouse or family and address those issues. • Use community resources or professional help for family members who may need counseling or support. Connect with shelters or law enforcement if appropriate. Connect with Resources • In a confidential council with one or two trusted ward leaders, discuss how to support the member or family and how to respond in positive ways to the situation. • Help these leaders understand that all parties involved need love, support, and friendship. • Encourage leaders not to judge, criticize, or ostracize members on either side of the allegations.

26. Leaders – Facilitating Change in Offenders • When working with offenders, priesthood leaders should help them repent, accept the full consequences of their actions, and cease their abusive behavior. • Warn the Offender of the Gravity of the Offense: “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matt 18:6) • Subject to church discipline, usually excommunication, can’t have a recommend or a calling. • Will never be able to call the person to work with children again without first presidency approval. • There is Hope: If those convicted of abuse pay the legal price for their crimes and undergo the rigorous repentance process, they can be forgiven and regain full fellowship in the Church.  • For guidelines on handling confession, restitution, investigation, communication with aggrieved victims, and confidentiality in situations involving abuse, stake presidents and bishops should refer to Handbook 1, 6.4 and 6.5. • For guidelines on handling Church discipline in situations involving abuse, stake presidents and bishops should refer to Handbook 1, chapter 6. • Church leaders should not testify in civil or criminal cases involving abuse without first conferring with the Office of General Counsel at Church headquarters, 1-800-453-3860, ext. 2-6301. For specific guidelines, see Handbook 1, 17.1.26.

27. Leaders – Facilitating Change in Offenders Four Steps: 1. Seek to Understand 2. Help the Individual 3.Support Family and 4. Connect to Resources. Assessing remorse and desire to change is the first step in helping the offender. • Can you help me understand the situation? • How important is it for you to change? • What have you done to stop the abusive behavior? • How have you used gospel principles to overcome abusive tendencies and behaviors? • What are you willing to do to change? • How can I help you make the change? • Is there anything else about this abuse that I should know? Many offenders deny or minimize the abuse. Almost always require professional counselling. LDS Family Services doesn’t give counselling to abusers.

28. Leaders – Facilitating Change in Offenders 2. Help the Offender. • Discuss with the member the consequences of abusive behavior on self and family, including the doctrine and Church policies related to abuse. • Help the member find hope and healing through the Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  • Provide some counsel, where appropriate, concerning healthy ways to manage anger. 3. Support the Family. • Support the family by connecting them with marriage and family courses. 4. Connect to Community Resources • Connect the abuser with professional help. LDS Family Services doesn’t give counselling to abusers.

29. Protect the Children – Dallin H. Oaks Abortion, Bullying, Divorce and Single Parenthood • Children are highly vulnerable and need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests. • Abortion is an evil abuse of children: “From the perspective of the plan of salvation, one of the most serious abuses of children is to deny them birth….Many laws permit or even promote abortion, but to us this is a great evil.” • Bullying as abuse: Parents or other caregivers or teachers or peers who demean, bully, or humiliate children or youth can inflict harm more permanent than physical injury. Making a child or youth feel worthless, unloved, or unwanted can inflict serious and long-lasting injury on his or her emotional well-being and development. • Divorce as abuse: Our Church leaders have taught that looking “upon marriage as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where “children are made to suffer.” • There are surely cases when a divorce is necessary for the good of the children, but those circumstances are exceptional. In most marital contests the contending parents should give much greater weight to the interests of the children. • Single parenthood as abuse: Children are also victimized by marriages that do not occur. Few measures of the welfare of our rising generation are more disturbing than the recent report that 41 percent of all births in the United States were to women who were not married.

30. President Hinckley – Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood Main Message: Priesthood Holders must never abuse their wives in any way. • “The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and … the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man” (D&C 121:36–37). • How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man. Any man who engages in this practice is unworthy to hold a temple recommend. • Our hearts reach out to the offender, but we cannot tolerate the sin of which he may be guilty. Where there has been offense, there is a penalty. The process of the civil law will work its way. And the ecclesiastical process will work its way, often resulting in excommunication. This is both a delicate and a serious matter.

31. Jeffrey R. Holland – The Tongue of Angels The Power of our Words • Like all gifts "which cometh from above," words are "sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit." (D&C 63:64) • “A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.” (Matt. 12:34–35.) The Power of a Woman’s words. • “How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman's words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks.” (Jeffrey R. Holland‐Tongue of Angels) Uplifting Words for Children • “Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive. And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture's obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are "enough." (Jeffrey R. Holland‐Tongue of Angels)

32. Teachings from the Scriptures – Emotional Abuse The Power of our Words • “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.” (Eph 4: 29-30) • We must bridle our tongue by controlling what we say or our religion is in vain: “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.” (James 1: 26) • We can gain perfection by controlling our tongue. Our words have great power to either build or destroy: “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” (James 3: 2-8)

33. Teachings from the Scriptures The Power of our Words • We bless God and curse others with the same tongue. This ought not to be. “Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.” (James 3: 9-10) • We are called to be holy and must ensure our conversations are holy: “But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, be ye holy; for I am holy.” (1 Peter 15-16) • We should not speak evil and beguiling words but should depart from evil and seek peace and goodness: “Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile. Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” (Psalms 34:13-14) • A wholesome tongue is like a tree of life while a perverse tongue harms the spirit: “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4) • Swearing causes the land to mourn and to wither and decay: “For the land is full of adulterers; for because of swearing the land mourneth; the pleasant places of the wilderness are dried up, and their course is evil, and their force is not right.” (Jeremiah 23: 10)

34. Richard G. Scott – Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse The Unmitigated effects of Abuse: • Unless healed by the Lord, mental, physical, or sexual abuse can cause you serious, enduring consequences…They include fear, depression, guilt, self-hatred, destruction of self-esteem, and alienation from normal human relationships. When aggravated by continued abuse, powerful emotions of rebellion, anger, and hatred are generated. These feelings often are focused against oneself, others, life itself, and even Heavenly Father. Frustrated efforts to fight back can degenerate into drug abuse, immorality, abandonment of home, and, tragically in extreme cases, suicide. Unless corrected, these feelings lead to despondent lives, discordant marriages, and even the transition from victim to abuser. One awful result is a deepening lack of trust in others which becomes a barrier to healing. The Lord has Provided a Path to Healing for all Abused: • Your abuse results from another’s unrighteous attack on your freedom. Since all of Father in Heaven’s children enjoy agency, there can be some who choose willfully to violate the commandments and harm you. Such acts temporarily restrict your freedom. In justice, and to compensate, the Lord has provided a way for you to overcome the destructive results of others’ acts against your will. That relief comes by applying eternal truths with priesthood assistance. • Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse.

35. Richard G. Scott – Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse Let Faith in God overcome Fear of Man • Please believe that your Heavenly Father does not want you to be held captive by unrighteous influence, by threats of reprisal, or by fear of repercussion to the family member who abuses you. Trust that the Lord will lead you to a solution. Ask in faith, nothing doubting. (See James 1:6; Enos 1:15; Moro. 7:26; D&C 8:10; D&C 18:18.) • The victim must do all in his or her power to stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent because of being disabled by fear or the power or authority of the offender. Seek Help now • If you are now or have in the past been abused, seek help now. Begin with your Eternal Father and his beloved Son, your Savior. They will lead you to others who will strengthen and encourage you. There is available to you a priesthood leader. • “A man can do nothing for himself unless God direct him in the right way; and the Priesthood is for that purpose.” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 364.) • Healing best begins with your sincere prayer asking your Father in Heaven for help. That use of your agency allows divine intervention.

36. Richard G. Scott – Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse Full Healing is through Christ • Recognize that you are a beloved child of your Heavenly Father. He loves you perfectly and can help you as no earthly parent, spouse, or devoted friend can. His Son gave his life so that by faith in him and obedience to his teachings you can be made whole. He is the consummate healer. Forgive the Abuser • As a victim, do not waste effort in revenge or retribution against your aggressor. Focus on your responsibility to do what is in your power to correct. Leave the handling of the offender to civil and Church authorities. Ultimately the unrepentant abuser will be punished by a just God. • Begin by withholding judgment. You don’t know what abusers may have suffered as victims when innocent. The way to repentance must be kept open for them. Leave the handling of aggressors to others. • You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. (see D&C 64:10.) Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord. • The Master counseled, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you.” (3 Ne. 12:44; italics added.) • Bitterness and hatred are harmful. They produce much that is destructive. They postpone the relief and healing you yearn for. Healing Takes Time • Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. • Be careful of obsessing over details of the event, blaming the accuser for all ills in your life and inventing false memories.