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Arguing Effectively

Arguing Effectively. Winning the battle without going to war. Some Questions. When you are in a good argument, do you feel that there are no boundaries? Have you ever had an argument that escalated to a physical level?

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Arguing Effectively

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  1. Arguing Effectively Winning the battle without going to war

  2. Some Questions • When you are in a good argument, do you feel that there are no boundaries? • Have you ever had an argument that escalated to a physical level? • What boundaries do you have for arguments with your mom? Your sisters or brothers? Your friends? Your boyfriend or girlfriend?

  3. Arguing Lecture • Set your Boundaries • Behavioral line, which cannot be crossed • Word boundaries • the way you let others talk to you • Requirement boundaries • Limits on what you will agree to do • Physical boundaries • Personal space

  4. Arguing Lecture • Define your boundaries • How you require others to treat you • Word boundaries: “I don’t like the way you are talking to me. When you are ready to talk to me with some respect, I’ll listen.” • Requirement boundaries: “That sounds like your asking me to do a lot of the work; I don’t have that much time to give. Let’s divide the work up more evenly.” • Physical boundaries: “I am uncomfortable with you getting so close to me when you are talking. Could you back off a little? I want to have a conversation with you, but I can’t do that with you getting that close.”

  5. Arguing Lecture • Enforce your boundaries • Requires clear communication • Say what needs to be said without anger, bitterness, or sarcasm • Describe the problem • Define the unacceptable • Share your emotions • Request the solution • Let them know their alternatives

  6. Enforcing example Right now, you are screaming at me, and I can’t understand what you’re saying. (inform) I won’t listen to you as long as you are screaming and yelling. It makes me mad, and I stop listening to your words. (define the unacceptable, share your emotions) If you want me to listen to you, you will have to talk to me in a regular tone of voice, without being in my face. (request the solution) If you can’t do that, then I will leave and you will have to talk to me at some other time.(alternatives)

  7. Arguing Lecture: Rules to Live By • Don’t avoid confrontation • Choose your battles, and your time • Don’t be sarcastic—it’s not effective • It’s okay to get emotional—just give yourself time to get it together • Fight about one thing at a time • Play fair—don’t hit people where it hurts • Don’t attack the person, attack behaviors • Listen!!! • Be ready to make a compromise • OADD!! • Once the argument is over, let it go. • It’s okay to argue!!!

  8. Arguing Lecture: Finding Balance • No one can be cheerful all the time • No one should be grumpy all the time • When you notice fluctuations in your mood, acknowledge them, and make a deal not to do certain things • “I’m really grumpy today. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I don’t want to take it out on you, so I’m just going to take a break from you today.”

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