Achieving a Satisfying Relationship

1. Achieving a Satisfying Relationship

2. Forming an Independent Identity • Newly married couples need to become independent from their parents in order to enter into an intimate relationship with another person

3. Honest Communication • Developing an identity is important because it allows each individual to self-disclose, or reveal things about themselves to their partner • It nurtures trust and shows respect for the other by allowing each partner to maintain their differences, yet, at the same time, grow together • Deep love and respect needs to ‘grow’ over time

4. ‘Unnatural behaviour”? • Each partner in a new marriage needs to learn to ‘give and take’ in order to meet each other’s social and emotional needs • According to evolutionary psychologists, this is nor a ‘natural’ behaviour – since the main focus of marriage for centuries was reproduction • Each partner must learn to communicate their needs and concerns

5. Strong Ego Development • Each individual must accept responsibility for themselves and be assertive about their needs • Each person needs to learn how to let the other person know what their needs are in a way the other person can understand

6. Problem Solving • Couples must learn how to problem solve together • Systems theory suggests that couples need to develop their own ‘mythology’ about who they are and a develop a set of strategies that wil provide a framework for problem solving – whether they are big or small

7. Shared Power • Couples need to learn to ‘negotiate’ or to accept the influence of the other by respecting or honoring his or her opinion • Sharing power puts ‘us’ ahead of ‘me’ • Successful couples need to turn to each other to face problems – this takes practice!

8. Are ‘equal’ marriages possible • Very few marriages are totally egalitarian, or, equal • The actual balance of power in a relationship isn’t as important as the concept that there needs to be a feeling of ‘shared’ decision making and problem solving • Guys tend to want to problem solve alone, where as girls tend to want the ‘shared approach’, and are more apt to accept other’s influences

9. Gottman and Silver • A husband’s acceptance of a wife’s influence in decisions was beneficial to the marriage • Bottom line: Each person must learn to adjust his or her role as a result of the other’s influence • If this doesn’t happen, the relationship may not last

10. Homework • Read the handout “God’s Design for Marriage” and answer the questions • This can be done in partners or a small group