Hand in Hand Parenting

1. Hand in Hand Parenting Slovenia National Congress Marriage and Family Counselors April 2014 Pam Oatis, MD Hand in Hand Parenting Building Emotional Understanding Instructor Medical Director Family Care Team Mercy Hospital

2. Welcome Thank you

3. Thank you!!!

4. Hand in Hand Parenting • Objective • Learn Listening Tools • Improve relationships with children and adults

5. Hand in Hand Parenting • Please share with a person whom you don’t know • Name • Home town • Are you a parent or do you have parents? If a parent – what are your children’s ages? • One thing you would like to learn today

6. Story of a young physician

7. Hand in Hand Parenting • Nonprofit trains parents and professionals • Parenting by Connection • 75% from Australia, Canada, Israel, France, England, Romania, South Africa Switzerland and around USA. • Direct services >11,000 parents 2012 • www.handinhandparenting.org

9. Hand in Hand Parenting Services • Support parents • Provide insights and skills • Listen to and connect with their children • Individual support • Classes Result: Parents and children thrive

10. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Connection • Connected parenting directly and powerfully reduces hurt and harm lives of individuals, families, and communities. • Parents want to be close to their children, help them learn, love them fully, and see them thrive

11. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas • Parenting is not easy • Parents handle multiple roles, deal with much stress and need/deserve good support for their vital work.

12. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Feeling isolated/stressed => parents’ behavior to flare. Regular access to a supportive listener to offer warmth and full respect makes powerful difference. Good listener can reduce a parent’s sense of isolation, relieve stress, and improve a parent’s patience. Me stressed

13. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Feeling disconnected or stressed causes children’s behavior to flare Parents can reconnect through listening and limits Children offload their negative feelings and regain sense of connection and better judgment.

14. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Listening, parent-to-parent and parent-to-child, builds connection Listening conveys respectcreates safety to dissolve emotional tension which disrupts caring relationships

15. Hand in Hand ParentingCore Ideas Summary Respect and listening strengthen parents’ connection with their children and each other, and reconnect themwhen stress has interfered

16. Comparing Parenting Models Warmth Low Limits

17. Successful Parenting ModelResearch Close parent-child connection throughout childhood and beyond is the strongest factor preventing health and social problems,involvement in drugs, violence, unintended pregnancies and medical problems

18. Parenting by Connection Focuses only on that parent child connection Combines warmth with reasonable expectations Helps parents remain warm, engaged and connected while setting limits children need Builds intelligence Result: Children develop judgment, resilience, social, emotional and cognitive functioning without threat or punishment.

19. Connection is Vital warmth respect eye contact Listening trust cooperation respect

20. Connection Comes First Brain “fed” by eye contact and aware touch with long moments of gaze and reciprocal conversation full of “I love you and want to understand you” Neural pathways develop only when infant/child brain in flexible positive communication with an adult who is tuned to the infant/child expressions, needs

21. Thinking Follows Prefrontal Cortex Attention Reasoning Judgment Planning Impulse Control Short-term Memory Flexible thinking Connection Infant/child neural pathways grow 700 synapsis per second first 2 years of life First 1000 days of life vital

22. How Children’s Emotions Work Research shows when sense of connection with parent or caregiver breaks it is an emotional and developmental emergency for the infant/child

23. Parents Also Need Connection • We need to connect with someone to listen to our thoughts, feelings, goals • Listening and being listened to help parents connect • Grows ability to enjoy parenting • Grows ability to connect with children

24. Cluttered Mind Feelings can confuse us Emotions can cloud our thinking Feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone, frustrated, blocks our thinking Unhealed hurts leave us confused Rigid irrational behaviors=>unhealthy relationships Story Dx

25. We have a solution to try:Listening Partnerships Adults agree to take equal turns listening to each other Time to explore thoughts, set goals, talk, cry, laugh, tremble, yawn through tensions and upsets Come to clearer thinking and functioning about ourselves and loved ones NOT conversation

26. Listening Partnership Natural healing system--laughter, tears, trembling, yawning DR story As we talk emotional tension lifts We heal Think and act flexibly intelligently

27. Listening Partnership Safe time and place to relearn this natural healing process Listening gets this healing process restarted

28. Listening PartnershipFoundation Each person—intelligent, good, expert on her/himself, no benefit from attempts to fix, blame, advice or criticize Doing best given information, resources, hurts

29. Listening PartnershipHow To Take equal turns listening 2 people thinking about 1 person Simple but takes practice Respect your partner

30. Listening Partnership:Questions Listener Might Ask “What was that like for you?” “Tell me more.” “What else?” “What do you think might be happening?” “Oh, I am sorry.” “What bothers you about it?” “What was the first time you remember feeling like that or saw someone do something like that?”

31. Listening PartnershipRole of the Listener • Remembers own and the partner’s inherent goodness • Focused attention on partner is powerful resource • Keep face relaxed smile • Interest • Respect • Appreciation • No questions out of own curiosity • No advice, interruption or judgment • CONFIDENTIALITY—no repeating what is said

32. Confidentiality Commitment to Confidentiality

33. Listening PartnershipRole of the Talker • Take charge of what we talk about • Encourage honesty, no filtering • Topic that is cluttering mind • Trust mind to bring up what it is ready to off load • Notice feelings • Stay feeling the feelings

34. Listening PartnershipLet’s Try It Take Turns Listening • Who, if anyone, listened to you when you were a child? OR • What was a moment you felt your mind freeze or feel too cluttered? What was that like? • 3 minutes each

35. What was that like? Listener Talker Listening PartnershipsReaction

36. Listening Builds Intelligence Talker Safety builds Listener Respect Warmth confidence Intelligence grows Tension Release Talking Laughter Crying Trembling Tantrums Intelligent Actions

37. Listening PartnershipTakes Time • Not a 5 minute quick fix • Try 10, then 30, 45 minutes each • Set weekly dates with listening partner: • Life story • Goals • Successes/challenges

38. Comparing Parenting Models Warmth Low Limits

39. Parenting by ConnectionListening Tools • Adult to Child • Staylistening • Playlistening • Setting Limits • Special Time • Adult to Adult • Listening Partnerships • Support Group

40. Staylistening – Basics Parents can help children heal emotional bumps and bruises of childhood. As you listen, crying, a natural recovery process heals the hurt

41. Staylistening The person at his side staying with warmth and kindness rebuilding confidence and connection becomes a treasured loved one. After we listen to tears and feelings blurted out, his mind is free to return to confidence, hope, flexibility and learning with heart kept open for friendship and cooperation. This recovery process—crying until the hurt is gone—comes naturally. STORY my gm, CLEANING UP TOYS , palliative care

42. Listening Partnership What would it be like to stay and listen? How would it feel not to quiet, distract, or give in? 2minutes each

43. “My wife and I are therapists who work with parents, children, and adults who once were children. We love your materials both professionally and personally. Your materials have given me clear, concise words, in a way that I could have not expressed before, the way that I automatically and intuitively work with children.”David Vandevert, MFT  • “I am…a therapist for over 20 years…and wanted to tell you that I have given your parenting pamphlets to my clients many times. They are a fabulous resource, and are positively impacting more people than you know.”Nancy Goldstein, LCSW-R

44. Workshop • The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting • Playlistening • Setting Limits • Family Policy • Support Groups

45. Questions

46. Congratulations Thank you for your participation!!

48. Workshop • The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting • Playlistening • Setting Limits • Family Policy • Support groups

49. Listening Partnership Something in your life in the last few weeks that pleases you? 2 min each

50. Playlistening Laughter—”the best medicine” Laughing like crying, tantrums signals the release of tension in the child’s mind Children love to laugh Playlistening is getting laughter going without dominating the child