I’m Listening

1. Marjorie Shore M.S.W. The Coaching Clinic margie@coachingclinic.com 416-787-5555 www.coachingclinic.com/tcc I’m Listening

2. Learning Objectives • Enhance leadership ability • Review coaching skills • Key skills: • Coaching relationship • Process • Communication • Listen in order to script motivating messages • Giving and getting feedback • Participative and empathetic listening • Ask the right question with a positive and motivating script

3. Leading Aim is positive change Setting direction Aligning people to vision Motivating Coaching Leading vs. Managing • Managing • Aim is predictable, orderly results • Organizing • Staffing • Planning • Budgeting • Solving problems Managers are responsible for implementing a plan. Leaders grow the dream and enroll people to help achieve it.

4. Focus on your Goals • If we were meeting here three years from today and all was going very well in your coaching role, how would you describe your vision of you as a coach? • Describe what you see as if through the lens of a camera.

5. Definitions: Coaching, Counseling, Mentoring, & Training • Coaching focuses on improving skills. • Can address issues of know how, know when, know why, motivation, time, distraction, priorities, support. • Counseling is coaching that focuses on peace of mind. • Mentoring is coaching about career and relationships with people and the organization. • Training is skill building from the ground up. “Coaching is cultivation, like gardening” Peter Senge

6. Coaching Process – One Model • Prepare in Advance • Agree on Goals • Be a Map Maker • Coach • Review and Decide Next Steps • Dissolve Contract

7. Five Ways to Communicate Better • Consider compromise. • Another person's view of reality may be as real as your own. • Never assume that you know what the other person is thinking, or what they have done. • Check out your assumptions. • Ask questions. • Do not correct another's statement of his/her feelings. • Be specific when you introduce a comment.

8. Five More Ways to Communicate Better 6. Ask for a reasonable change. 7. Try substituting "and" for "but". • "But" tends to negate anything that went before. • "And" includes both sides of the statement. 8. Ensure that your body language is congruent with your message. 9. When receiving constructive feedback, consider it carefully and with a balanced approach. 10. Remember that others’ opinions of you are not always true.

9. Listening Skills • Be physically attentive to be charismatic. • Don’t do anything else; just listen. • Make eye contact; smile. • Use vocal acknowledgment: • Words like “Yes, go on.” • Be curious. • Don’t judge; prepare a response or analyze.

10. Listening Skills • Participate to acknowledge you’ve heard. • Clarify; ensure you have the same understanding of words and concepts. • Paraphrase; ask if they agree with your understanding. e.g., “If I understand you correctly . . . ” or “It sounds like . . .” • Confirm that you are both agree on the same definition of the problem.

11. Active Listening

12. Role Models • Active listening appears to be a hidden ingredient of success in the workplace. • Think about a few successful people you have known. • When and how do they demonstrate active listening?

13. Being Present • Emotions distract people in the workplace. • To work, to learn, and to create community, we must be present. • Being present means being aware and in control of your emotions. • Listen to your inner thoughts and uncover if there are any that are distracting you now.

14. Being Present • Close your eyes. • Create an image that represents distraction. • Give it color, shape and texture. • Change it to something that would help you be present today.

15. Empathic Listening • Listen for feelings and undertones. • Let the person speak. • Look for clues in body language. • Check for meaning whenever you don't understand. • Ask clarifying questions (sparingly) to help ensure shared understanding. • Be patient.

16. Talk to your Partner • When you are the talker . . . TALK. • When you are the listener . . . LISTEN. • LISTENING • No talking • No opinions • No solutions • No judgments

17. Questions for a Cosmic Date • Who loves you and how do you know? • What do you do for fun? • What gives you a sense of worth? • Tell me about a change?

18. Listening to Others Exercise Self-Evaluation • How did it feel being the speaker? • How did it feel being the listener? • Which was easier for you? • Why? • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about listening?

19. Giving and Getting Feedback Exercise • What are the advantages of asking for feedback? • What reasons prevent us from asking for feedback? • What are the risks in giving criticism or negative feedback? • What can go wrong when feedback or criticism is avoided?

20. Giving and Getting Feedback • Feedback is useful. • Opens opportunities to improve; • Constructive feedback: • Offers options; • Improves self-awareness; • Encourages learning.

21. The Feedback Dilemma • Personal improvement depends on discovering and correcting mistakes. • Either by seeing the error or understanding what went wrong. • But we … • Ignore evidence when it causes trouble, pain or requires action. • Avoid the potential pain of “feeding back” to others.

22. Tips for Asking for Feedback • Who?: Invite feedback from people you trust and respect. • What?: Ask for constructive feedback or more details. • When?: Soon and when a considered and constructive response is possible. • How?: Direct action will usually get respect. • Why?: Opens up honesty, gets new ideas, gets a new perspective, improves relationships.

23. Tips for Receiving Feedback • Listen to what is being said; not what you think is implied. • Acknowledge that you have heard and understood. • Evaluate the feedback: valid?, invalid? or a put-down? • Deal with put-downs right away. • Accept valid criticisms graciously. • Deal with invalid criticisms directly. • Parse: acknowledge what you agree with; separate and deal with what you don’t agree with.

24. Tips for Giving Feedback • Set up rapport: Don’t burst; warm up first. • Positive with negative: Most people will respond better to a combination with positive first. • Be specific: Comment on observable behavior with examples to provide learning and options. • Empathize: See it from their point of view. • Keep calm: Use a steady and even voice, eye contact, body language consistent with the message. • Allow the other person space: Give the feedback. Don’t take responsibility for acceptance.

25. Tips for Giving Feedback • Take ownership of the feedback: Say “I think” not “you are”. • Criticize behavior not the person: Identify the behavior cleanly apart from the person. • Avoid (stereotype) comparisons. • Be aware that you are responsible for the decision to give or hold back feedback; you don’t control what they do with the feedback.

26. Feedback Exercise Self-Evaluation • How did it feel criticizing another person? • Was easier to give or get feedback? • Why do you find it hard to give or get feedback? • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about handling feedback?

27. Asking the Right Questions • Thoughtful questions elicit better information. • Try asking ... • Direct questions to gather facts: who?, what?, why?, when?, where? . . . • Open-ended questions to help people express goals, values, qualifications and feelings. • Hint: Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a yes or no.

28. Open-ended – what?, how? questions What do you want to do? How did you arrive at . . . ? What do you think might happen if . . . ? What would that look like to you . . . ? What concerns you about . . . ? What were you hoping for? Good Questions for Coaches • Broadening Questions • What do you see? • Do you see . . . ? • Say more about that . . . ? • What happened when . . . ? • Could you tell me more about . . . ? • Explaining questions • What makes that upsetting? • How did you decideto . . . ?

29. Clarifying questions Can you give me examples of . . . ? What does . . . look like to you? What exactly do you mean? When you say . . . what were you referring to? Good Questions for Coaches • Exploring questions • What did you think when . . . ? • What concerns you about that? • What were you expecting?

30. Generational Differences in Motivators • Motivators tend to be generation based. • What do we know about motivating the different generations?

31. Where the Generations Clash:Motivation WhoWant Veterans Satisfaction of job well done Boomers Money, Title, Corner office Generation X Freedom, Security Nexus Work that has meaning for them Source: When Generations Collide, Lancaster and Stillman

32. To understand adults, examine their childhoods (when they were ten): • Shared significant experiences • Parenting styles • Key messages • Cultural norms and behaviours • Trends and fads • Social values, structures • Roles and responsibilities

33. Nexus/Boomers in Context BOOMER • In person preferred • Process as well as product • The personal is private • You can control your future • Work comes first • Money speaks • Managed by team leader • Focused • Clarity of message is critical • Options shrinking NEXUS • Remote and wireless • Instant everything • The personal is public • Nothing is certain but uncertainty • Life is for living • Time is money/currency • Self - Managed • Multi-tasking in multi- channel • Multi-message, multi-media world • Possibilities opening up

34. EmployeeCharacteristics NEXUS • Global travelers, mobile • Looking for fast feedback, recognition and rewards • Want balance as they define it • Satisfaction is key • Multi-taskers extraordinaire • Continuous change energizes • Compensation public BOOMERS • Global travelers, mobile • Feedback if necessary • Balance if possible • Success is key • Multi-task if required • Continuous change exhausts • Compensation very private

35. Communicating Across Generations NEXUS • Encouragement • Everyone teaches • Share practices and information; not rules • Engagement • Inspire them to identify problems and solve them • Challenge & Choice • Expose them to possibilities • Give choices Source : Rainmaker Thinking, Tulgan BOOMER • Encouragement • Leaders Lead • Clear rules and consequences • Engagement • Inspire them to follow directions • Challenge & Choice • Offer options • Give direction

36. Motivational Coaching

37. Push Coaching

38. Warning Signals Coaches Use

39. New Ideas for Coaches

40. How I Will Put This Learning into Practice • New learning needs practice. • How will you use the learning today in your work every day?