Helping Friends Avoid Pornography

1. Helping Friends Avoid Pornography G. Lee Griffith & Jeff Bowen

2. This Presentation Available at: • http://facultyweb.anderson.edu/~glg/Non%20Class%20Presentations/index.htm • Or email me at: • glg@anderson.edu • And I will gladly send you a copy of the slides or notes.

3. G GeneralAudiences All Ages Admitted This presentation is appropriate for all audiences that seek to increase in Godliness. No endorsement by the motion picture board is expressed or implied This Presentation rated:

4. Intended Audience • Three groups : • Not tempted sexually. • Sexually addicted. • Tempted but controlled • Addicted need more help than we are discussing here • support groups • therapy • Prevention for tempted group.

5. Question • If virtually every male is exposed to pornography at some level at some time • Why is it that only some become addicted?

6. The Addictive Components • Abuse experiences • Early family experiences • Genetic Disposition • Neuro-chemical Vulnerability • Addition prone culture • Loss of values • Loss of community http://www21.thny.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/images/childabuse195.jpg

7. Common Problem • Although we are not all sexually addicted we all tend to: • Think ourselves “Masters of the Universe” • Deny and excuse our sinfulness • Be ultimately powerless in ourselves to avoid sin • The difference is that some problems like sexual acting out are so much more physically addicting.

8. Deception and Denial • Ephesians 4:22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires • Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness • 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders • Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows

9. Deception and Denial • Titus 3:3 At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another • James 1:15-17  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. • 1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us

10. Master Becomes Slave • Romans 7:15-25 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. • For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

11. Outline • Why: The Power of Porn • What: Important Stories • How: The Practice of Being a Helpful Accountability Partner. http://www.shenet.org/high/hsacaddept/socialstudies/jpfaffenbach/NinthGrade/clip%20art%20and%20images/bodyoutline.gif

12. Why is Porn Powerful? • Curiosity + • Variety + • Forbidden Fruit + • Ease + • Emotional Anesthetic = addiction http://images.countingdown.com/images/countdowns/movies/2638609/2638609_main.jpg http://www.planetgary.net/alert/syringe2.gif

13. Pornography is a Noose • One is never satisfied—Solomon 700/300 • The harder you fight it the tighter it gets • You must relax and accept some help • You must focus on other things 3 He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. 4 As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been http://terpsboy.com/blogpics/noose.jpg

14. Addictive Cycle Problem Pain of the Past Shame and Despair Preoccupation Thrill of the Hunt Acting Out

15. What to Do: Important Stories

16. Jeff Bowen I am Passionate about Accountability?

17. 3 Stories of Accountability • Accountability Rejected • Accountability Failed • Accountability Success

18. Accountability RejectedNot Being Open • My best friend in High School and beyond • Best Man at each others wedding • We could talk about anything • Left wife and children because of a sexual addiction • Accountability Rejected

19. Accountability FailedNo Subject Is Off Limits • J – Desire for another woman • Began spending time with another woman • Was not open • Said “we are just friends” • Results: • Divorced wife • Lost contact with his children • Other woman’s husband committed suicide

20. How Accountability Workedfor Me • I was lost and in complete despair • Life was no longer worth living • Developed into permanent accountability relationship • Began to have hope • Carried me through

21. The Trial of My Life • Nicole • The news • Chances of recovery • Bringing her home • The call • Entering the room • Nicole went home • to be with Jesus

22. The Reason I am Passionate Accountability • It saved my life • Prepared me for what was to come • Your circumstances may be different • God can use it • To save your life • Your marriage • Your Friend

23. How to Help • Physical • Behavioral • Emotional • Relational • Spiritual • Making the Decision

24. Physical • Do not get too • Tired • Stressed • Hyper • Offer special concern when sick • Workout in moderation

25. Behavioral • Where did preoccupation start? • When did it start? • What were you feeling? • Boredom • Stress • How much/ how often • What were you feeling • What were you thinking • How could this chain have been avoided? • How could this chain have been broken?

26. Emotional • Key Issue • Pornography is a drug. • It is often taken to mask or avoid bad feelings: • Loneliness • Sadness • Anxiety • Stress • Depression • It is critical to face and deal with these feelings directly • Each of these feelings is a focus on clinical interest individually.

27. No Shame • Shame does not discourage • Shame actually pushes people back • Shaming asserts our moral superiority • Shame distracts from God’s forgiveness and grace by focusing on human reactions. http://www.familybiblehour.com/kids/images/chapter11/ashamed.jpg

28. Relational • Make it easy for your wife to help you • Love her in the way she needs to be loved • Assure her you find her attractive • Practice habits of faithfulness

29. Spiritual • Acknowledge that God not I is Master of the Universe • Confess don’t deny my sin. • Specifics • Consequences for others. • Accept God’s grace • Self-talk • Accepting care of others • Make amends when possible

30. Before the Decision • Do you want to get well? John 5 • What is more important than porn? • What is worth the pain? • Grieve the loss. http://www.disasterrelief.org/Disasters/010127indiaquake3/Images/story_grieve.jpg

31. John 5:6 The Question at the Sheep Gate pool • When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" http://myweb.lmu.edu/fjust/Images/John5-Hogarth.jpg

32. Making the decision to stop • Face where you are • Confess and repent • Express honest feelings and needs • Draw a definite line • No browsing questionable advertisements. • Ask for specific accountability • Plan when you are strong for when you are weak. • Engage the emotions

33. Developing the Decision • Make a permanent decision • Do what it takes, make the sacrifices • Deal with the related problems • Select two or more friends http://www.gananda.k12.ny.us/Mslinks/decide.gif

34. Implementing the Decision • Filters www.xxxchurch.com • Limit computer access • Set parental limits on Pay TV • Make a maximum standard(PG-13 movies at max for example) • Get rid of cable • Get rid of TV http://www.biblebelievers.com/tv_trash.gif

35. Making the Argument • This is wrong–-------------- I want what is right. • You would not want her—I will not be seduced by a fantasy • smokes pot, • drunk • has AIDS and • bad breath • She would not want me—I will view myself accurately • Old • Bald • Conservative • Cheap • What you really want is– I want what God wants for me • Love • Intimacy • Warmth • Affirmation • Caring http://www.umanitoba.ca/outreach/wisdomtooth/bad_breath.gif

36. Rational Arguments http://home.earthlink.net/~klavir/images/doll_14.jpg • Not to treat women as objects– I want to treat women at persons • I do not want sex to be dirty -----I want sex to be part of love • clean, • pure • Godly • No regrets • I do not just want to take----------I want to give and receive • Fantasy is unrealistic---------------I want reality • Easy sex is not real sex------------I want what is real • I do not want to hurt my wife------I want to love my wife • I do not want to hurt my children—I want my children’s respect. • I do not want short term satisfaction and long-term frustration. • I want long-term satisfaction. http://tm045.k12.sd.us/Frustration.gif

37. Can You Make Someone Stop • No • You cannot choose for another • Denial is very powerful • Consequences ultimately become more painful than giving up the pain reliever. http://www.radtouren.com/canol_road/Bilder/stop.jpg

38. Cut the Noose

39. References • http://www.pureintimacy.org/gr/intimacy/understanding/a0000123.cfm • http://www.screenit.com/search_videos.html • Carnes, P. J. (1991). Don't call it love: Recovery from sexual addiction. New York: Bantam. • Roberts, Ted (1999) Pure Desire. Ventura, CA: Regal • Laaser, M. R. (2004) Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervon.

40. Nature of relationship • The one seeking help must be open • The one seeking help must learn to trust you. http://www.team-events.ch/uploads/img/normal/trust_1.jpg

41. Sexual Addicts Support Groups • SAA Sex Addicts Anonymoushttp://www.saa-recovery.org/mlist10.htm • Sexaholics Anonymoushttp://www.sa.org/ • SLAA – none in Indianahttp://www.slaafws.org/ • SCA Sexual Compulsives Anonymoushttp://www.sca-recovery.org/ None in Indiana

42. Christian Support Sites • http://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.asp • http://freeinchrist.truepath.com/index.htm • http://www.desertstream.org/index.htm • http://www.xxxchurch.com/

43. Healthy Sexuality • Nurturing: your spouse and yourself • Sensuality: feel what you are sensing • Sense of Self: Know and maintain boundaries • Relational: Relating to your spouse • Reciprocal: Her needs and your needs • Non-genital and genital: not focused on one outcome • Spiritual: Understand the unity God intends (Carnes, 1991)

44. Signs of Addiction 1 • A pattern of out-of-control behavior • Severe consequences due to sexual behavior • Inability to stop despite adverse consequences • Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high risk behavior • Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior • Sexual obsession and fantasy as primary coping strategy

45. Signs of Addiction 2 • Increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient • Severe mood changes around sexual activity • Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience. • Neglect of Important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior.

46. Biblical People with Sexual Issues • Abraham with Tamar posing as prostitute • Rahab—the harlot • Saul • David • Woman at well • Mary Madeleine • Woman caught in adultery