How to Be a Good Conversationist

1. How to Be a Good Conversationist Chapter 10

2. How to Be a Good Conversationist • Keep your message interesting • Show your sense of humor • Show an interest in the other person • Avoid monopolizing the conversation • Stay focused on the topic at hand • Offer sincere compliments when appropriate • Refrain from engaging in annoying mannerisms such as fidgeting or using irritating expressions

3. Making a good first impression • Refrain from discussing controversial topics such as religion or politics. • Keep personal health problems (I’m really constipated) for your family members • Jokes are fine, but avoid any that are off-color, could be perceived as prejudicial, or that are very lengthy and involved • Face the person squarely, lean forward, stand upright and maintain good eye contact • Keep your arms open, don’t touch your face, and resist shifting your weight between your legs (appears as if you want to get away as soon as possible).

4. Rapport Building • Propinquity – having frequent contact with a person because you live close by or work nearby at the same workplace

5. The art of small talk • Begin with a simple statement. • Introduce yourself (offer something personal about yourself) • Select a general interest topic • Keep the conversation moving by making associations to other subjects by asking questions • Pay attention to the other person • Make a graceful exit.

6. Assertiveness • Being able to stand up for your rights and express your needs and ideas in an appropriate manner • Doing the above without violating the rights of others

7. Passivity • Non-assertion • Violating own rights • Permitting others to potentially take advantage of you • Repressing your thoughts, your voice • Expressing your self through apology • Avoiding conflict at any cost.

8. Aggression • Directly standing up for your personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, needs and beliefs in ways which can be dishonest, usually inappropriate or intimidating • Always violates the rights of others • Winning assumed by humiliating others

9. Passive-Aggressiveness • Indirect form of aggression • Literally, we get back at someone • You fail to do something you say you would do (even includes the silent treatment)

10. Benefits Maximizes the likelihood of having yours and others’ needs met Lowers personal level of stress Helps ward off illness Increases self-respect Increases other’s respect for you. Consequences of Not Being Assertive Passive: Loss of self-esteem Increased sense of resentment or anger Stress level increases Anxiety and depression increases Psychosomatic illnesses Aggressive Cost your job, friends, family High Blood Pressure Physical fights Problems with the law Feelings of being unloved, misunderstood Assertiveness

11. Why people fail to be assertive • Fear of loss of approval • Failing to distinguish between assertive and aggressive • Mistaking non-assertion for politeness • Mistaking passivity for helpfulness • Aggression is usually outgrowth of feelings of powerlessness • Maladaptive belief that aggression is justified • Aggression resulting from feelings of anger or hurt • Failure to accept your personal rights

12. The Assertiveness Bill of Rights • You have the right to be the ultimate judge of yourself and your behavior.          Your behavior is your space, and you more than others have to live with it.You have the right to set your own priorities.          Again, your life, your time, your priorities are your space. You have the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty.          A request is not a requirement.   You have the right to ask for what you want (knowing that others have the right to refuse).           Asking is not demanding.  You are not invading their space by asking.You have the right to offer no excuses or reasons to justify your behavior.           You don't have to justify your use of your space, as long as it does not interfere with othersYou have the right to get what you pay for.           Others don't have the right to take from you without fair exchange.You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them and learn from them.           You don't have to make your space look perfect to others.You have the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.           Your space.You have the right to change your mind.           Your space.You have the right to not assert your rights.          You can decide where, when, and with whom you will set your boundaries.

13. Assertiveness Framework • Step 1—The problem behavior • Step 2 –Effects • Step 3—Consequences • Step 4 – Alternatives to the Problem Behavior

14. Non-verbal Aspects of Assertiveness • How you say what you say is as important as what you say • If non-verbal behaviors are incongruent with your message, you may sabotage it • Demonstrate a demeanor consistent with assertiveness • Maintain eye contact • Keep arms open • Gesture freely • Tone of voice most important nonverbal aspect of assertiveness

15. Communication Styles • Verbal Behaviors of Assertive People • Direct Statements • Honest Expression of Feelings • Describe objective behaviors • Use “I” statements • Straightforward • Good Listeners • Talk Slowly • Emphasize key words

16. Communication Styles • Non-Verbal Behaviors of Assertive People • Action congruent with words • Good eye contact • Firm, calm voice • Assured manner • Gesturing • Leaning forward • Erect posture • Open arms • Face person squarely

17. Communication Styles • You demonstrate Yourself as: • Confident • Effective • Respectful • Valued • Relieved

18. Communication Styles • Others View you as: • Respected • Valued

19. Communication Styles • End results are: • Problem solving skills increased • High self-esteem • Self-respect • Respect of others • Satisfaction • Good relationships • Less stress • Improved Health

20. Asserting Yourself with Aggressive People • Use empathic assertions • Communicate feelings of what the person is expressing • Keep your focus • Postpone the discussion until things cool off • Use the broken record technique

21. Broken Record Technique • Repeat your request, over and over again • Calmly continue with your request, even during their protestations. • Be willing to interrupt

22. Persuasion • Involve Timing and Tact • Timing • Where are your priorities • Not talking too much or too little • More effective to express your opinion after 1/3 to ½ have already expressed theirs as the group already has a census of how others feel about the situation • State thoughts clearly • Express yourself as a capable person

23. Persuasion • Tact • Use empathic stroke or warm up the group to your opinion • Genuinely seeing other’s view of the issue • Use respect

24. Aspects of the Communicator • Work to establish knowledge and/or expertise • Speak rapidly enhances persuasiveness

25. Aspects of the Message • Emotional message or appeals tend to be more convincing than dispassionate speeches • Present both sides of the argument • Repeat the key points of your position in various ways

26. Aspects of your audience • Take into consideration aspects of your audience • More educated, more knowledgeable groups will respond better than less educated, less-knowledgeable groups

27. How to Resist Being Manipulated • You always have a right to say “NO.” • It is not your job, responsibility, or duty to always please the other people in your life

28. Sales Tactics • Low ball technique • Unbelievable low price, until you decide to buy and then all hidden costs appear • If you would not have agreed to make the purchase if the revised price had been offered initially, walk away form the deal

29. Scarcity Principle • “Last Chance” to purchase makes individuals see items as more valuable • Just because an item is scarce or at a low price, it will not necessarily feel, sound, taste, or work any better than if it were more readily available

30. Door in the Face Technique • A large request is made for a big donation, followed by a smaller request • You can say no twice.

31. Foot in the door technique • Salespeople go out of their way to befriend you, to establish rapport before making a request • Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to comply

32. Sales Tactics • That’s not all technique • “But wait, there’s more” • If you don’t really want or need the main product, nor the extra goodies, then, just say no.

33. Miscellaneous Compliance • Do not feel guilty if you can avoid being exploited • Do not be afraid to question authority • Modeling is good, however, if you sense that what is being modeled is somehow phony or a false set-up to elicit your compliance, that’s your cue to take a strong stand and say no.