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Engagement. Getting to Know Your Partner. You are treated differently during the engagement period. Wedding Plans, also needs to be a time when you need to see him/her as a spouse. Advice from all directions Engagement is like insurance, use it! Time for evaluation.
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Getting to Know Your Partner • You are treated differently during the engagement period. • Wedding Plans, also needs to be a time when you need to see him/her as a spouse. • Advice from all directions • Engagement is like insurance, use it! • Time for evaluation
Getting to Know Your Partner • Areas to discuss: • Economic matters • Recreation • Religion • Children • Affection • In-laws • Communication • Handling conflicts
Getting to Know Your Partner • Economic Matters: • Budget • Savings • Who manages the money • Buy or rent • Wife’s employment • Occupational plans for “breadwinner” • Future education or training • Attitudes concerning the use of money • Emergency fund • Insurance
Getting to Know Your Partner • Recreation: • Importance of recreation: joint/individual activities • Cost of recreation in relation to budget • Entertaining friends • Recreation with relatives
Getting to Know Your Partner • Religion: • Individual religious backgrounds • Current religious philosophies and commitments • Attendance at church • Basic religious ideas • Prayer • Type of wedding ceremony • Who will perform the wedding ceremony • Family Planning • Affiliation of children
Getting to Know Your Partner • Children: • How many • Methods of discipline: different childhood stages • Teaching responsibility • Rights and responsibilities of parents • Rights and responsibilities of children • Allowances and money management • Education of children
Getting to Know Your Partner • Affection: • Attitudes of families • Behavior in public • Behavior in presence of children or relatives • Verbal expression of love • Emotional needs • Building & maintaining security and trust in the relationship
IN-LAWS Other things may change us, but we start and end with our family.
Building IN-LAW Relationships • Develop a relationship with your in-laws • Establish parent/child relationship with new parents. What will you call you in-laws? Will you knock on the door when you go to their home? • Do not interpret interest as interference. • If they give advice…. Remember, the decision is between you and your spouse, but mature enough to recognize when advice is good and follow it. If you decide not to follow it, decline with respect.
Building IN-LAW Relationships • Look for positive characteristics. Everyone has good points. You will be much happier if you look for the positive instead of the negative, and expect to get along. Accept them for what they are. • Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy. Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing things that can never be taken back. These people will be a permanent part of your life. • If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short, thus allowing less time for problems to arise. • Give them (and you) time to adjust.
Building IN-LAW Relationships • Grow into a new relationship with your own parents. (This will greatly help your spouse with his/her in-law adjustment.) • Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and siblings. Re-adjust your relationship; they are not your primary family now. This can be hard for parents, but wise parents will help you do this. • Make your spouse your first priority (come home to him/her first, give news to first, etc.)
Building IN-LAW Relationships • Build your relationship with your mate. • Do not discuss your mates’ faults with friends and family. This builds resentment against your mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. If you must complain to somone, talk it out with your wife/husband. • Continually build your marriage, making it the number one priority in your life. • Do not hold your own family up a model. “My mother’s cookies are a lot softer than yours.” “Opening Christmas presents on Christmas Eve is a dumb idea.” It is okay that your family has different habits and patterns from your spouse’s. It’s time to combine them for your own new family traditions.
Handling Conflicts • Quarreling is NORMAL • Not a sign of a bad marriage • A marriage w/o some disagreements is emotionally undernourished • Anger is better expressed than hoarded
Getting to Know Your Partner • Handling Conflicts: • Causes of Conflict: • Insecurities • Lack of respect • Differences • Interference of others • Patterns of behaviors
Getting to Know Your Partner • Handling Conflicts Continued: • Ways of handling conflict • Giving in • Fleeing • Avoiding • Fighting (Display of anger) • Forgetting • Putting off • Compromising • Tears • Threats • Guilt
Getting to Know Your Partner • Communication: • Fighting fair; handling arguments • Compromising • Importance of making time for communicating
Rules for “Fighting Fairly • No hitting • No personality attack • Attack the problem: be specific about problem • Fight in private • Fighting in front of kids is o.k. once in a while if you’re not making the kids take sides • Fight it out at the time, if you can • No refusing to quarrel or totally withdrawing before it is finished • No mind reading • Come to a conclusion, then let it end; compromise if you can!
WE ALWAYS DO IT THIS WAY!!! Every family has certain routines and rituals that they follow. Some of these rituals are based on holidays, weddings, religious events, ethnic backgrounds, or socioeconomic class. Many times a family will not even realize that they have these rituals or procedures. They have done them for so long, they have become a part of the family. The first year we were married, Christmas was a disaster. I could not wait until Christmas Eve to open the gifts from family members. I was shocked and hurt when I was told, rather, sternly, by my husband that there would be NO gifts opened that evening. Christmas presents were to be given on Christmas. We’ve since worked the difference out, but it took some time. Most families have specific ways to celebrate holidays and special occasions. They have never had a reason to even think about doing things a different way. A marriage combines two different backgrounds and gives an immediate reason to start evaluating why things are done the way they are.
The day-to-day routines we follow are vitally important. Do you brush your teeth before breakfast? Do you iron your clothes, or just “wash and wear”? Is daily religion a part of your life? Do you eat meals at specific times as an entire family? These types of questions could go on and on and on. The first week of marriage can be a real eye-opening experience. The daily idiosyncrasies your mate displays may humor you, or annoy you. Just remember, he/she is feeling the same about you. It is often helpful to spend time in the home of your in-laws and observe the way they live. (It gives immediate insight into some of those strange things your mate does.)
As important as it is to maintain family traditions and rituals, one of the most important tasks a newlywed couple can do is evaluate what they want for their family, then begin their own family traditions and rituals. Many of these will be compromises formed from both sides of the new family. However, some of the most exciting rituals will be new, creative ones you and your mate invent on your own.
Do Not Trifle over Trivia • Which way the toilet paper rolls • Turning down page corners instead of using a bookmark • Eating or not eating in bed • Leaving damp washcloths scrunched in a lump, or wringing them out and spreading to dry • Putting the VCR tapes away or leaving them on top of the VCR • Whether or not you read instructions before you use something or put it together • Whether the toothpaste should be used from the bottom up or the top down • Whether or not you are going to spend the holidays with your in-laws • Whether or not you tear off the pillow tag that says “DO NOT REMOVE!”
Dual Income Considerations • Economic Factors: -20% of families are supported by single parent mothers. -To buy a house -To make house or car payments -Support children in college -Save for retirement
Dual Income Considerations • Changing Gender Roles • Family Life Cycle Changes: Average of 25 years for women to work outside of the home.
Main Problems with Dual Income Families • Competing demands of career and family life. • Working women often suffer from high blood pressure, headaches, tension and depression caused by stress.
Sexual Adjustments • Expectations • Importance of sex in a marriage • Variety of needs • Sex is communication • Successful Adjustment • Affection, respect and trust: most important parts of a good sexual relationship
Difficulty with Sex after Marriage • Female is a virgin • Different ideas of what romance is and effect it has on intimate relationship • Uncomfortable talking about sexuality. Mind reading abilities.
How to ease this tension • Seeing doctors for physicals • Discuss intimacy with parents, leaders etc. • Know your religious beliefs • Talk openly about your feelings and expectations with your spouse.
