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This guide explores the transformation from a victim mindset to empowered parenting, navigating through the challenges of receiving negative emotions from children. It delves into Karpman's Drama Triangle identifying key roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor and offers a roadmap to shift towards empowerment. Learn to embrace the roles of creator, coach, and challenger in dealing with family dynamics. Discover the power of taking responsibility for your responses and adopting a values-focused approach. Make the shift from being reactive to being proactive in your interactions with your children, fostering a healthier parent-child relationship.
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STEPPING BACK FROM DRAMA The Path of Transformation from Victim to Empowered Parent
PARENTING HURTS Receiving the cold shoulder, insults, negative emotions from our kids causes us pain, insult, and anger Seeing our children struggle causes concern, anxiety and fear We have cared for them We want to help them Now we are being knocked off our pedestal despite our best efforts to remain helpful
THE DIVINE DRAMEDY Children see parents as gods Teenagers see parents as demons Adults see parents as humans
KARPMAN’S DRAMA TRIANGLE RESCUER PERSECUTOR VICTIM
VICTIM CHARACTERISTICS Little power to affect change, requires outside agent to change in order to shift dynamic Person seeks to identify source of the problem then respond in ways that target persecutor powerless stance
VICTIM RESPONSES Victim perspective sees a problem over which they have limited control to address Flight Freeze Fight overpower persecutor seek rescuer to come in and fix situation numb out avoid argue seek others to agree, console, and validate perspective give up demand be held
RESCUER CHARACTERISTICS Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse
RESCUER RESPONSES Attempts further the drama Reinforces the victim’s perceived powerlessness by conveying to the victim that they need the help of another to overcome their situation
PERSECUTOR CHARACTERISTICS Exist in symbiotic duality with victims Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread
PERSECUTOR RESPONSES Win/lose mentality Avowed to win at any cost Seems to be in a powerful position, yet often acting from a victim mindset Fears if they do not fight they will fall prey to the other party and become the victim In a fight between parent and child, both parties may experience themselves as the victim to the other persecutor
WE NEED TO FLIP THE SCRIPT CREATOR THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC CHALLENGER COACH RESCUER PERSECUTOR KARPMAN’S DRAMA TRIANGLE VICTIM
THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC CREATOR COACH CHALLENGER
CREATOR CHARACTERISTICS Recognize they are playing a role in any situation or dynamic that is playing out Take responsibility for engaging creatively when what’s happening isn’t working See others as “above the line” partners in the dynamic
CREATOR RESPONSES Focus on the road ahead: What are we trying to do and where are we trying to go? Maintain a values orientation over a problem orientation Recognizes and accepts power and limits of power
CHALLENGER CHARACTERISTICS Any person, situation or circumstance that strength, creativity, courage, etc. to meet Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread
CHALLENGER RESPONSES Exist in symbiotic duality with victims Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread
COACH CHARACTERISTICS Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse
COACH RESPONSES Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse
MAKING THE SHIFT – CROSSING THE LINE Moving from Victim to Creator requires we take responsibility for how we respond and relate to the situations of our life In the presence of challenging thoughts, feelings, choices, we need to ask ourselves about what we value and then do the difficult work of identifying and unhooking from the forces that keep us stuck in reactive victim stance “In the space between stimulus and response there is a gap. In that gap lay our freedom” Frankl
CHANGING ROLES Shifts can happen at two levels How we see ourselves How we see others Others may make their own shifts as a result of relating to you outside the drama triangle Accept that we can only change ourselves
VICTIM TO CREATOR Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing
PERSECUTOR TO CHALLENGER Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing
RESCUER TO COACH Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing
CLARIFYING RESPONSIBILITY Shifting from Victim to Creator as a parent shifts your responsibility from being about how your kid shows up in the world to how you show up with and for your child Your kid is responsible for their lives, while you seek to be genuine support (coach) who helps them discover their capacity to solve problems and be a creator in their own right Difficult work here entails unhooking from our own triggers so we can choose our responses rather than simply react.