Understanding Love Styles: Unlocking the Dance of Relationships

2. How we Love The dances we do in our relationships. The origins? https://howwelove.com/

3. Introduction • Our early life experiences, for better or worse, teach us how to love. • Having the same arguments all the time and seeing the same patterns every time with no idea why we are there again makes people believe that there is a problem that is unfixable • Milan and Kay Yerkovich have created the tools to take your relationships to the next level based on the attachment theory • Each person’s childhood experiences form the roots of who they are; continuing to inform the way that person responds to others or expresses love, even far into adulthood • The result of all these experiences are actually very predictable because people tend to fall into one of five special categories: called “Love Styles”

4. Avoider • I am usually “fine,” and when something bad happens I try to get over it quickly • In my family growing up, we rarely discussed personal concerns • I’m usually happiest when others are happy and don’t want a lot from me • I don’t really think about my own feelings and needs very often • I don’t really miss my spouse or family if I’m away from them • I need my space

5. Avoider • Coming from homes that are often low in affection, but which place high value on independence and self-reliance • The Avoider grows up learning only to take care of themselves. • To deal with the anxiety of having so little comfort and nurturing from their parents, they have learned to restrict their feelings and suppress their needs. • As an adult, Avoiders can seem emotionally distant or unengaged

6. Avoider • Connecting with Others: • Task Orientated. • Minimum Emotions • Independent and deals swiftly with problems – moves on quickly • Conflict: • Cause emotions • Do not like to deal with emotions • Gets irritated with the other party – getting too needy • Avoider closes down like a book

7. Avoids emotion and needs of self and others • Child’s feelings Developing Avoiders • Child learns to restrict emotions and becomes independent • Child’s needs overwhelming to parent • Parent encourage limited expression – no comfort • Child’s Expression stifled or limited by parent

8. Pleaser • For most (or all) of my childhood I could have been described as “the good kid” • I feel very upset if someone is upset or annoyed with me so I am good at “keeping peace” • I seek connection and avoid rejection by anticipating and meeting others’ needs • Conflict makes me uneasy and I prefer to deal with disagreement by giving in or making up for it and quickly and moving on • I have difficulty confronting or saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful

9. Pleaser • Pleasers usually grow up in a home with a parent who is overly protective, angry, and/or critical • Pleaser children do everything they can to “be good” and avoid troubling their highly-reactive parent; they learn to spend their energy comforting or appeasing their parent, instead of receiving comfort themselves • As adults, Pleasers tend to continually monitor the moods of those around them in an attempt to keep everyone happy. However, this can lead to resentment, an emotion that can break down a relationship or drive a Pleaser to leave.

10. Pleaser • Connecting with Others: • Being nice so others will stay close • Avoiding conflict • Minimizing or downplaying problems • Feeling a need to “fix” the negative emotions of others • Conflict: • Collude to ignore the realities of pain, problems, and difficult emotions. • Be dishonest to avoid conflict • Reassure rather than listen! • Avoid reality and tries to stay over-optimistic (things will soon be OK again…)

11. Avoids emotion and needs of self and others • Child’s feelings Developing Pleasers • Child develops fear, anxiety, worry and clinginess / performance anxiety • Child’s needs cause fear & anxiety to parent / parent critical • Parents overprotect, worries and smothers / Parents critical, high expectations • Causes internal and external parental alarms / parent overly critical

12. Vaccilator • I feel like no one has really understood what I need • I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships • At times, I find myself picking a fight and I’m not sure why • I’ve always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me • Others have said they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me

13. Vaccilator • Growing up with an unpredictable parent, Vacillators’ needs aren’t top priority • Without consistent parental affection they develop feelings of abandonment, and by the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive • As adults, Vacillators are on a quest to find the consistent love they never received as children • They idealize new relationships, but then get tired of it once life (and the relationship) gets less than perfect.

14. Vaccilator • Connecting with Others: • Idealization, which leads to disappointment • Preoccupation with relational closeness/distanceAddressingproblems with complaints rather than requests • Arrivals/departures, or waiting for the spouse to engage • Conflict: • Vents or protests to lower anxiety, then moves from idealizing to devaluing • The Vacillator is likely to assume their partner’s motives are to hurt intentionally • Venting by anger fits and strong language

15. Looking for intense consistent connection • Child’s feelings Developing Vaccilators • Confused and hypervigilant trying to predict and control relationships / angry and anxious • Child’s needs sometimes ignored and sometimes acknowledged. Focus on parents needs • Inconsistent and unpredictable the child waits for the parent to connect • Emotions becomes limited, sporadic dependant on reading the parent’s mood

16. Controller • No one protected me from harm when I was growing up, so I had to get tough and take care of myself • Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled” • People would probably describe me as intimidating. • I prefer to solve problems on my own • I need things to be done a certain way or I get angry • I have few feelings about my childhood except I’m glad it’s over because I wouldn’t go back

17. Controller • Controllers need control to ensure that the vulnerable, negative feelings they experienced in childhood remain suppressed from their adult lives • Having control means having protection from feelings like fear, humiliation, and helplessness; however, anger is the one emotion that is not vulnerable, and so anger and intimidation are often used as means to maintain control • While control can be either highly rigid or sporadic and unpredictable, Controllers rarely realize the true reason they feel the need to be in charge

18. Controller • Connection with Others: • Desire for compliance/control create predictability • Anger being a defense against painful/vulnerable feelings • Desiring control, not connection. • Having no empathy for self or others • Conflict: • Controller builds up anxiety/tension due to Non-compliance. • Being rigid, easily angered, and deregulated. • Unpredictability is a reminder of childhood trauma

19. Victim • Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents. • I’m used to chaos and calm makes me anxious because something bad is always just around the corner. • If I spoke up more and had stronger opinions, my spouse (or other significant relationships) would be even angrier. • I feel like I’m just “going through the motions” and I’m tired and out of energy.

20. Victim • Kids survive a chaotic home environment by trying to “stay under the radar”, making themselves as invisible as possible • They’ll hide and appease, learning how to escape into their own heads to lessen the pain from their angry, violent, chaotic parents • Victims lack a sense of self-worth or personhood and are often anxious and depressed • Rather than engage, they’ll resort to just “going through the motions” in order to get by

21. Victim • Connection to Others • Having learned to tolerate the intolerable during childhood, the Victim attempts to placate • Victims have little or no voice in the relationship; they are child-like. • Conflict: • Following the “incident”, the Victim freezes or disassociates • They become depressed and/or detached, and may even threaten to leave

22. Controller: • Child’s feelings Developing Controllers / Victims • Confused causing anxiety, fear and anger • Child’s needs disregarded or overwhelming to parent • Abuse or Neglect of Child Parent becomes the source of stress for the Child • Emotions causes outrage or withdrawal from parent