The Enemy and Shame

1. The Enemy and Shame How the heart and mind function to process abuse.

2. Be a person of trust The most important part of all of this is YOU. Are you trustworthy? Can you be trusted to not glibly share someone else’s story and secrets in casual conversation? Every woman I know has been caught out blabbing someone else’s secrets at some point in her life. Has God done the work in you yet that you are a safe place? Each of our stories are sacred, and holy. Our pains and shame often go deep. It is a tremendous betrayal for us to tell someone else’s story to friend or family member. Please be honest with yourself. If you are known as the town crier and tell others things that are not your business, please allow God to work on this in you first, before you join a workshop. We owe it to one another to respect the sanctity of each other’s story.

3. confidentiality • Our Group is Confidential and Anonymous. • Should you meet another member outside the group while with friends or family, it is important that you do not disclose how you are acquainted with one another. • Should you be asked, saying you know them “from church” is suggested. Since we are all the body of Christ and therefore “the church”, saying so is an appropriate and true response. • It is up to each individual if and when they want to publicly come “forward” to speak about abuse.

4. Each person may “pass” if they do not want to talk, no questions asked.

5. Be Sensitive Graphic or detailed depictions of actual sexual acts involving the abuse is not allowed. Abuse victims are often triggered by pornography, pornographic stories, and sexual details. Out of respect for one another, avoid explaining the nitty gritty details of each event of abuse.

6. Shame • How did my feelings about myself change after the abuse? • Shame is stronger than guilt. Guilt feels bad for a wrong. Shame feels that fundamentally, at ones core, they are defective. • Have you forgiven yourself for the abuse? • Do you have many close relationships? • Shame hides and resists intimacy fearing rejection. • Shame often strives for perfection believing perfection will erase worthlessness… I do _____ therefore I have value. • Do you love yourself and nurture yourself first? • Does your family remember special occasions and celebrate you? • Have you communicated that you have great value? AND TRUST

7. trust • Do you try to do everything alone and hate asking for help? • Lack of trust drives control. How controlling are you? • Do you find yourself worrying, frequently imagining worse case scenarios? • Do you truly believe that God is good? • Where do you struggle the most believing God will come through for you? • Do you control family members to avoid potential pain or to keep them “safe’? • Are you wishy-washy when it comes to making decisions?

8. Objective • Today we will create mind maps • Mind maps are a visual model used to demonstrate connections between concepts. • We will model the beliefs in our mind and lies in our hearts that formed during and after the abuse.

9. Craft or Picture

10. This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA

11. This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND

16. Does the Bible see the heart and mind separate? • We Americans tend to see people as having two separate parts, wherein one part is the emotions, which we refer to as the heart, and then a brain, which houses the mind. • The Bible does not divide man so easily – it focuses on all three making up the whole of a being – this is Biblically called the “heart.” • Peter describes the inner man as “the hidden man of the heart” (I Peter 3:4 KJV),  … It is the center of one’s being(Proverbs 4:23), where he believes and exercises faith (Luke 24:25; Romans 10:9,10).

17. We use our child logic to make sense of the abuse.

18. Before you begin Pray silently and be still before God. When you feel you have insight, begin creating your mind map. This map will focus on lies and beliefs about yourself and God after the abuse.

19. Common Lies I need perfection to be lovable. I am perfect being made perfect.I must protect everyone. God will never stop doing me good. I am the savior. Jesus is the savior. Sex is dirty. Sex is ordained and a gift from God. I am a victim. I always have choices.

20. THE MOST, VERY MOST, IMPORTANT PART ….Truth homework • This is the most important part of this session. We must identify the lies as a result of abuse. But if we do not do this portion…write down the truth of who God is and who He says we are, we have reinforced our lies rather than working towards believing the truth. • Make a poster of the TRUTH to counteract each lie. • The truth should be scriptural and personal.

21. The battle • We pull down every thought that exalts itself above the knowledge of God. We replace this thought with the truth. We do this in faith even though it may not feel like it is true.

22. WE AFFIRM OUT LOUD THE TRUTH WHEN WE REALIZE WE ARE THINKING, SAYING, or FEELING a LIE.

23. Discuss • Break into group of 3 or 4. • Try to have at least one person who is comfortable praying out loud for others in each group. • These groups will continue to meet weekly to build community and trust. • Share the floor as you discuss your family systems. • Ask what parts of the discussion resonated most within each person. • Pray for one another before breaking up.