Preparing for Parenting

1. Preparing for Parenting Chapter 3

2. Why is it Hard to Be a Good Parent? • Skills are not automatic • Able to reproduce doesn’t mean you are a good parent • Difficult because dealing with relationships with people • Relationships (good ones) • Each person wants what is best for the other • Support each other

3. Training for parents • Not as clear as training for other careers • Job skills may be better than their child care skills • Years ago, children saw parents handling younger siblings, not so today (small families) • Couples need to become better informed

4. Learning Parenting Skills • 1. professional/successful parents to give advice • 2. literature that is accurate, practical and available • 3. child care and parenting classes • 4. families with infants and young children, spend time volunteering

5. No right way to parent • factors that affect parenting: • Culture • Personalities of parents/children • How friends/relatives care for their own

6. Deciding About Parenthood • Personal choice • Discuss feeling about parenthood before marriage • Lifelong decision • Permanent choice-always a parent • Not permanent if you don’t (limited time)

7. Reasons for Choosing Parenthood • “We want to share our loves with a child” • Desire to share their love • No strings attached • Children will NOT fulfill other needs or goals

8. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a cute, little baby?” • Babies aren’t always cute • Fussy, cranky and don’t stay babies • 

9. “Our parents want grandchildren.” • More important that parents want the child • They have more of the responsibility

10. “Our older child needs a brother or sister.” • Parents are fulfilling someone else’s needs • There are other ways to get playmates

11. “A child can make us proud.” • Carry on the family name, customs, business • Careful not to let hopes stifle child’s goals • Relationship suffers if child can’t meet parent’s goals • May feel inadequate

12. “Others will see me as a stable, reliable person.” • Judged more today on your own merits not family status

13. “A child will comfort us in our old age.” • Aging parent can’t count on a child’s help • May outlive children

14. “A child will make us love each other.” • Children enrich if stable relationship • Unstable relationships, children strain it • Children a financial burden

15. Reasons for Not Choosing Parenthood • “We’re not ready for a child.” • May want to pursue other interests first • Need time for education or job maturity

16. “A baby costs a lot.” • Do cost a lot • Children can’t contribute a great deal

17. “A child will tie us down.” • Children are a responsibility • Children can’t be ignored

18. “A child will interfere with our careers.” • Parents face two problems • Time for work and children • Parents feel stressed

19. “Our child could be sick or disabled.” • No guarantee a child will have good health • Good medical care before and after birth reduces these risks • Disabled, ill or injured children have special needs

20. “Our marriage could fail, and I don’t want to be a single parent.” • People with marital problems need to solve them before having children

21. Factors to Consider • Parenthood happens quickly • Instant parents

22. How Children Affect Relationships • Children and the couple: • Are we loving and sensitive to others’ needs? • Are we careful not to judge people and their ideas? • Can we recognize and respect others’ rights? • Are we self-disciplined? • Do we relate well to others? • Are we flexible enough to accept changes? • Can we be honest about our feeling for others?

23. How Would Your Life Change? • Do we have the time and energy to give to children? • Do we want to share much of our time together with children? • Are we doing in our daily lives what we want our children to do?

24. Children and Relatives and Friends • Couples relations with others: • Do our relatives and friends share our basic priorities? • Can we ignore small differences in beliefs? • Can we ask for advice and slo use our own judgment? • Can we tell other about our needs and accept the help they offer? • Can we recognize others’ generosity, including time and money? • Can we share fun times with others?

25. 3 Advantages to children’s relationships with others: • 1. relatives & friends provide children their first link to the outside world • 2. grandparents and older relatives can teach children about the past • 3. many relatives and friends care for children

26. Sharing Responsibilities • Couples need to examine how they feel about home care responsibilities • Traditional = wife at home, husband earns paycheck • Some men stay home and wife works

27. Sharing Tasks • Are we happy with the way we share responsibilities? • Do we appreciate each other’s help? • Do we feel equally important in efforts to reach our goals?

28. How the Child will affect how they Share the responsibilities • If we become parents, will there be a major changes in the way we share responsibilities? • Can we agree on how to divide home and child care tasks? • If one of us works outside the home and the other cares for children, will we feel we are contributing to our goals equally?

29. Managing Finances • Children cost a lot • First year expensive • Second child doubles cost

30. Financing and Parenting • How do we ear and spend money now? • Are we happy with our budget? • Do we have regular savings we could use to meet child-related expenses? • Can we expect more income or lower expenses during the next few years to help offset child-related costs? • What type of savings goals do we need for a child? • What is an estimate for child-related expenses for the first and next several years?

31. Indirect costs = resources used to meet child-related costs that could have been used to meet other goals • Vary from couple to couple • Give up time to pursue a hobby • Take a shift opposite spouse to avoid child care costs

32. Foregone income = potential income given up by a parent who leaves the workforce and stays home to raise a child • Another indirect cost is the time a person takes off from their career

33. Managing Careers • Decide who will work or both • Child care decisions are important

34. Maternity & Paternity Leave • Maternity leave = time a woman takes off from work for the birth or adoption of a child • Paternity leave = time a man takes off from work (usually without pay) for a set period after a child’s birth or adoption • Family & Medical Leave Act = law that protects the rights of the workers of large companies to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave per year for various family-related reasons.

35. Maternity • Length of maternity leave varies • 6 weeks is the minimum • May be paid or unpaid • Most working mothers return within 3 months • Helps mom bond with baby

36. Paternity • Few companies pay for this leave • Growing more common • Helps care for wife and child • Special time and bonding with child • Leave may be unpaid

37. Family & Medical Leave Act • More than 50 employees • Grants workers a total of 12 weeks unpaid leave per year • Second federal law applies to maternity leave: • Employers are required to treat leave for childbirth and recovery as a medical disability

38. Problems with Family & Work • Dual career families need to ask: • Can we find good child care during work hours? • Can we balance job demands and children’s needs? • Can we work out mutual responsibilities for child and home care tasks? • Can we make enough time for ourselves as individuals and as a couple free of other concerns? • Can we be organized? • If we are uncomfortable with our answer to any of these questions, what other options do we have?

39. Family Planning • Decisions couples make about the desired number and spacing of future children • Birth control methods = methods used to prevent conception

40. Method Questions • How the method works to prevent pregnancy? • How successful the method is at preventing pregnancy when used properly? • Directions for using the method? • The method’s possible side effects and risks? • Effects, if any, the method has on future fertility? • The method’s cost?

41. Infertility = unable to conceive after a year of trying About half will conceive later May need medical assistance Sterile= condition of being permanently unable to conceive or carry full biological children May be man or woman 10% no cause is determined Infertility & Sterility

42. Overcoming Infertility • Fertility counseling = medical evaluation that seeks to determine the reasons for fertility problems and explore available treatment options • Both are given fertility tests • If problem found, doctor suggests next step

43. Assisted reproductive technologies = methods infertile couples can use to help them conceive • 3 procedures: • Artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, gamete intrafallopian transfer

44. Artificial insemination= introducing sperm into the vagina or uterus by a medical procedure rather than by sexual relations • in vitro fertilization =some of the mother’s eggs are surgically removed fertilized with sperm in a lab dish, then implanted in the mother’s uterus • Implanted in uterus later • Test tube babies

45. gamete intrafallopian transfer = mixture of sperm and eggs is placed in the woman’s fallopian tubes, where fertilization can occur • More than one egg is present • Conception more likely • Multiple pregnancy can occur • See page 100 figure 3-13

46. Surrogate mother = woman who bears (sometimes both conceives and bears) a child for a couple • Signs her parenting rights over to the couple

47. Disadvantage to ART • Over half of all ART attempts do not succeed • Older couple have least chance • Fertility problems are emotionally painful • Cost= thousands of dollars • May have to try more than once

48. Ethical & Legal Issues • Donor of egg/sperm is biological parent • Donor might want parenting rights • Couple might decide they don’t want the baby • Seek legal advice before entering ART

49. Surrogate Issues • Fees ?? Paying for a baby??? • Oral or written agreement • Who pays if the surrogate mother’s fees or newborn’s fees are much higher than the contract fee? • What happens if the surrogate decides she wants to keep the baby who may be her child biologically? • What happens if the couple decides they do not want this child because they have conceived in the meantime or the child has a disability?

50. Using Your Knowledge • 1. Technology. Use a computer to compose a short paper giving your views on the kinds of maturity couples should have before becoming parents.