Preparing for Adolescence: Relationship Based Parenting

1. the Counseling Center Madison Church of Christ Frank Scott, PhD and John Slate MA Preparing for Adolescence:Relationship Based Parenting

2. 12 Week Course Presentation & Workbook Limited Individual Assessments & Consult (apt.) Preparing for Adolescence:Relationship based parenting

3. Lesson One: • Healed to be a Healer: Where do we start

4. Lesson One: • Healed to be a Healer: Where do we start To establish strong & enduring connections with our children, we must first overcome our past wounds & present challenges.

5. Lesson One: • Healed to be a Healer: Where do we start To establish strong & enduring connections with our children, we must first overcome our past wounds & present challenges. Our past affects our children’s future - examples

6. Lesson One: • Healed to be a Healer: Where do we start To establish strong & enduring connections with our children, we must first overcome our past wounds & present challenges. Our past affects our children’s future unless – RESOLVE, CONNECTIONS (slay monsters in our past)

7. Issues & Hurts Attitudes Forgiveness • Experiences Habits Love / Avoid • Losses Hope Security

8. Do you want to be like your mom or dad? • Has life not turned out like you planned? • How are you different?

9. Checklist #1:honest look at myself, influences of life .... • Do I show I really value my child? • Is my approach with my child playful and interactive? • Do I enforce consequences consistently? • Do I mean what I say and follow through on my words? • Do I respond to misbehavior: immediately & directly? • Am I teaching, modeling behavior? • Do I help my child to learn through offering choices and problem-solving or though punishment? • Do I give my child my undivided attention? • Do I give affectionate touches? Am I an affectionate person? Reasons? • Do I make affirming, warm comments? Is my child & I connected? • Do I behave consistently? • Do I help my child self-regulate & develop self-awareness? • Do I encourage my child to tell me his or her feelings? • Do I ask my child what he or she needs, versus stopping conduct or noise? • Have I created a schedule that accommodates my child’s needs? Do I know their needs? • Have I simplified my life enough, that I can spend time with my child? • This list is not to facilitate guilt but to refocus

10. “Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls.” NIV “rest” (resolve) – hope & healing Matthew 11:28

11. “While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” Luke 15:11-31(the prodigal son)

12. Who is God to me? Who am I to my child?

13. What is my concept of God: Who is God to me?

14. Bond between your child and you: Attachment. A child who feels consistently safe & nurtured, will become secure as they explore their world. This child learns to be comfortable in close relationships. As your child grows up, he / she watches their parents handle new situations. If voices stay calm and relaxed toward a new person or situation, the child will be quicker to accept and deal with strangers and new environments. “ Connection” John 13:34: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples. . . . “ * by the way we treat our children, wife *

15. Questions for self-reflection • Are you comfortable giving emotional support to others? • How comfortable are you asking others for help? • How do you feel around other people? • Does your own childhood weigh heavily on your heart & mind? • Are you comfortable with physical affection from friends & family? • Are you comfortable holding your child in your arms for sustained periods? • Do you open up your personal business, life to others? • Are there secrets that you have never told, guilt & fear, hurt & loss?

16. Our difference:We must never forget that we are loved by God who is capable and intent on putting the broken pieces of our lives back together & bring healing to our deepest wounds.1 John 4:16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

17. How do I feel about childhood, relationships, and security? More questions for insight: • List 5 adjectives that describe your childhood relationship? • Give a few words to remind you of an event that illustrates each of those adjectives. • What happened when you were upset? If I am insecure & speak about my parents, I tend to: • Give short, vague, or dismissive answers, or excessively long you can’t stop • Make broad generalities about past, but no specifics, no clear examples • Minimize or lock out losses, harm, abuse, neglect, hurts & issues • Hang on to grudges, anger & resentment • Have confusing or contradictory details in my stories • Confuse the past with the present

18. What do I do? Go to God first: 2 Corinthians 1:4 (msg version) He comes alongside us when we go through hard times . . . . and brings alongside us someone else . . . . Go to fellow follower: (spiritual mentor), spouse or Christian Therapist I am like my 5 closest friends Confession with accountability is healing (James 5:16) • Unfreeze your feelings: Admit disappointment, hurt, sadness. • Forgive others & self - seek to restore your connection with family • Be compassionate with needy people • Make a conscious effort to begin to give & accept hugs & touch and • Refill your bucket

19. Refill my bucket: • Get exercise – reduce stress & cortisol levels • Get more sleep • Relaxation / calming techniques • Give and receive a great hug • Laugh • Have fun and play with children • Make special time with your spouse • Seek spiritual comfort

20. My concept of God My child’s concept of me

21. Whose child? • Psalm 139:13 - 14 For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. • Before your children were yours, they were God’s.

22. Whose child? • Psalm 139:16 …All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. • Your children are still His. • You have a responsibility, You are in charge of a spiritual being having a human experience.

23. My concept of God My child’s concept of me Child’s concept of GOD