Managing Conflict

1. Managing Conflict

2. Preview • Why is understanding conflict important? • What is interpersonal conflict? • What are conflict management styles? • How should I manage interpersonal conflict effectively?

3. Why Is Understanding Conflict Important? • It’s impossible to avoid. It’s what ALL relationships have in common. • As relationships become more intimate, the probability of interpersonal conflict increases?

4. Some Alarming Statistics Divorce Rate for First Marriages – 50% Divorce Rate for Second Marriages – 67% Divorce Rate for Third Marriages – 73% - Forest Institute of Professional Psychology

5. What is Interpersonal Conflict? “Conflict is an ___________ struggle between at least two _____________ parties who perceive incompatible ______, scarce _____________, and interference from the other parties in achieving their _________.”

6. Conflict Management Styles • What do they look and sound like? • Non-Confrontational Style • Confrontational Style • Cooperative Style

7. How Should you Manage Conflict? PUGSS

8. NOT PUGS!!

9. P.U.G.S.S. Guide your conversation with P.U.G.S.S. • Describe PROBLEM • Achieve UNDERSTANDING • Identify GOALS • Brainstorm SOLUTIONS • Select Best SOLUTION

10. Describe the PROBLEM • Describe the other person’s behavior rather than evaluate the person. • Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. • Seen this before?? • Self-disclose your emotions/feelings.

11. Quick Practice! • Instead of this statement: “You’re always late. Why are you so selfish?” • What could you say? “When you [fill in the blank]” “I feel [fill in the blank].” “Would you please [fill in the blank]?”

12. Achieve UNDERSTANDING • Attempt to achieve mutual understanding by responding to the following questions: • “Do you understand why I believe there is a problem?” • “Do you understand why I feel this way?”

13. Important! • If there’s mutual understanding, then move to Step 3: Identify GOALS. • If no mutual understanding, then return to Step 2 and adapt (Principle 5) until mutual understanding is achieved. • Often, you might hear: “I don’t know what the big deal is, or “Don’t get so bent out of shape.” • Adapt and describe the problem from a different perspective.

14. Identify GOALS • Both of you should be able to address the following questions: • “What is it you need and want and why is it important to you?” • “Here’s what I need and want and why it is important to me....” • “What common goals do we have?”

15. Brainstorm SOLUTIONS • Generate numerous solutions. • Withhold all evaluations until a list of possible solutions is generated. • Piggyback off others’ ideas. • The more solutions generated, the more likely a feasible solution will surface that meets goals.

16. Select Best SOLUTION • Evaluate each solution without evaluating the person who generated the solution. • How well does each solution meet the identified goals? • Agree to best solution.

17. P.U.G.S.S. Review What is PUGSS in your Conversation? • Describe PROBLEM • Achieve UNDERSTANDING • Identify GOALS • Brainstorm SOLUTIONS • Select Best SOLUTION

18. Assessing Your Learning • Matt spends little time with his girlfriend Katie because of his demanding job. Katie’s career is equally demanding, but she finds time for Matt. After discussing the issue with Matt, she asks him to paraphrase to see if he can see her perspective. What stage in the PUGSS model is Katie and Matt working through? • A.) Describing the Problem • B.) Achieving Understanding • C.) Identifying Goals • D.) Brainstorming Solutions

19. Appropriately adapt your message to others Be aware of your communication Listen and respond thoughtfully to others Effectively use and interpret verbal messages Effectively use and interpret nonverbal messages

20. Can you Apply the 5 Principles to P.U.G.S.S.? • Be Aware of Your Communication • Effectively Use & Interpret Verbals • Effectively Use & Interpret Nonverbals • Listen and Respond Thoughtfully • Appropriately Adapt Messages

21. Principle 1: Be Aware of Your Own Communication • Have an awareness of your emotions. • Have an awareness of your conflict style. • Have an awareness of your partner’s conflict style? • Have an awareness of your message.

22. Principle 2: Effectively Use and Interpret Verbal Messages • Avoid POLARIZING • Don’t use TRIGGER WORDS • Think BEFORE you speak! • Remember: Communication is IRREVERSIBLE!

23. Principle 3: Effectively Use and Interpret Nonverbal Messages • Remain Nonverbally Responsive and Immediate • Direct eye contact • Open arms and legs • Forward body leans • Reinforcing head nods • Supportive facial expressions • Calm voice and encouraging vocalizations

24. Principle 4: Listen and Respond Thoughtfully to Others • Turn Off Competing Messages • Observe Nonverbal Cues • Ask Appropriate Questions • Paraphrase the Content and Emotions • Remain Nonverbally Responsive

25. Principle 5: Appropriately Adapt to Others • Look for MS≠MR and adapt verbal and nonverbal messages accordingly to achieve MS=MR. • Perception check to insure appropriate interpretations.

26. Review of Guidebook Extras • Why is understanding conflict important? • What is interpersonal conflict? • What are conflict management styles? • How should I manage interpersonal conflict effectively?

27. Enjoy the rest of your day!