Unit 5: Relationships & Sexuality

1. Unit 5: Relationships & Sexuality Part 3: Abusive Relationships

2. Abusive Relationships • Abusive relationships are characterized byextreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

3. Abuse does not have to be physical • Abusive relationships are progressive -Abusive relationships get worse over time.  Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress.  Abusers are generally very needy and controlling;  the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.

4. A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse • Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics also creates an abusive relationship climate.

5. Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.  • Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadequacy. They seek to pull their partner down to make themselves feel better.

6. Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. • Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side.  The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle

7. You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: • Is jealous or possessive toward you. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.) • Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. • Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. • Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. • Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with. • Abuses drugs or alcohol. • Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.) • Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

8. You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: • Has a history of bad relationships. • Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being. • You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do. • Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends. • Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child. • Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control. • Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain. You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.   You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.  

9. Here’s What Healthy and Abusive Relationships Look Like • Sometimes abusive relationships are easy to identify; other times the abuse may take subtle forms. The examples shown here can help you identify traits of abusive and healthy relationships. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life. Healthy relationships share responsibility and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all the people in the relationship, including children.

10. Healthy Relationships: • Non-Threatening Behavior--Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things. • Respect--Listening to your partner non-judgmentally. --Being emotionally affirming and understanding. --Valuing opinions.

11. Healthy Relationships: • Trust and Support--Supporting your partner’s goals in life. --Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. • Honesty and Accountability--Accepting responsibility for self. --Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior. --Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior. --Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate. --Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

12. Healthy Relationships: • Responsible Parenting--Sharing parental responsibilities. --Being a positive, non-violent role model for children. • Shared Responsibility--Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. --Making family decisions together.

13. Abusive Relationships: • Using Intimidation--Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. --Smashing or destroying things. --Destroying or confiscating your partner's property. --Abusing pets as a display of power and control. --Silent or overt raging. --Displaying weapons or threatening their use. --Making physical threats.

14. Abusive Relationships: • Using Emotional Abuse--Putting your partner down. --Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself. --Calling your partner names. --Playing mind games. --Interrogating your partner. --Harassing or intimidating your partner. --"Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts. --Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes". --Making your partner feel guilty. --Shaming your partner.

15. Abusive Relationships: • Using Isolation--Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.--Limiting your partner’s outside involvement. --Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them. --Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.--Using jealousy to justify your actions. *(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships)

16. Abusive Relationships: • Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting--Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously. --Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad. --Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.) --Saying your partner caused it.

17. Abusive Relationships: • Using Children--Making your partner feel guilty about the children. --Using the children to relay messages. --Using visitation to harass your partner. --Threatening to take the children away. • Using Male Privilege--Treating your partner like a servant. --Making all the big decisions. --Acting like the "master of the castle." --Being the one to define men’s and women’s or the relationship's roles.

18. Abusive Relationships: • Using Economic Abuse--Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job. --Making your partner ask for money. --Giving your partner an allowance. --Taking your partner’s money. --Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.

19. Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers: • Intense need for love and affection. • Low self esteem. (Belief that they can't have / don't deserve better treatment.) • Drug or Alcohol Dependence. • A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse. • ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.) • Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. • Enforced isolation creating resentment. • Strong need for a relationship to validate them. • Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.

20. Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers: • Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries. • Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways. • Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety. • Belief that "it will change if I just try harder." • Repeated attempts to leave the relationship. • Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again.  • Clinical depression, self - medication. • Suicidal ideation or attempts.

21. Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the abusers: • Uncontrolled temper. • Extreme Jealousy. • Intense fear of abandonment.  • A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment • Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix" them or solve their problems.) • Isolation and antisocial temperament.  • Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.) • Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.

22. Risk factors in abusive relationships-- Personality traits which are common in the abusers: • Cruelty to children / animals. • Threats of violence. • Low self-esteem, shame.  • Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. • Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries. • Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication. • Emotional volitility - fear of being "out  of control". • Need for power and control to compensate for the above. • Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder. • Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.