Communication Confidence

1. Communication Confidence UF Training and Organizational Development

2. What Really Is the Message?

3. What Really Is the Message?

4. What Really Is the Message?

5. Our Objectives To become a better, more confident communicator by learning how to: 1 Choose words carefully 2 Listen effectively 3 Develop truthful, timely and relevant self expression

6. Fundamental Concepts We all can be better communicators By understanding what can make communication difficult, we can improve By using certain tools & skills, we can counteract the difficulties By admitting we are not perfect, we take the first step

7. To Communicate • To make common • Translating my thoughts and feelings into your head • And vice versa! • Why is this tough?

8. When We Communicate Three purposes that help communication Expression Learning • Listen first to understand, then to be understood • You are an unparalleled expert on you (your thoughts, your feelings, your knowledge, etc.) • Can we find a way to move forward that works for both of us? ProblemSolving

9. When We Communicate Purposes that are not-so-helpful • To get them to admit they’re wrong • To “quick--lob the hand grenade and then get out of there” Bang!

10. It’s Time for aCommunication Challenge! Self-EvaluationSkills to Work on!

11. Please Decode • A feathered vertebrate enclosed in the grasp has an estimated worth that is higher than a duo encapsulated in the branched shrub. • A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

12. Please Decode • It is sufficiently more tolerable to bestow upon than to come into possession. • It is better to give than to receive. What does this have to do with communication?

13. 1 Choose Your Words • Some choices are habitual and are made without consciously paying attention • Focus on your audience to become aware of how word choice can affect a conversation • Consider the hidden or cultural meaning and controversial nature of certain word choices and their potential effect

14. Tactics for Confident Communication • Consider “I” messages to reduce defensiveness • Responsibility is with speaker • Message doesn’t blame or accuse, so helps reduce defensiveness in others • It’s about what you think or feel • Helps you own your message • “You are wrong about that contract.” Vs. • “I disagree with your understanding of that contract.”

15. Tactics for Confident Communication • Be specific • People are not mind-readers • “I get frustrated when you don’t talk to me.” Vs. • “I get frustrated when you don’t talk to me about your work projects.” • Ask others to be more specific too

16. Tactics for Confident Communication • Watch how word choice affects interpretation • Is a “feisty” woman powerful or amusing? • Is “adequate performance” worthy of a raise or does it need improvement? • Watch for the difference between the dictionary definition and how a word was used and how it was interpreted • Price vs. investment or fee • Low cost vs. real value or cheap • Firm vs. confident or opinionated

17. Tactics for Confident Communication • Substitute “and” statements for “but”statements • The hearer ignores the first part and focuses on what comes after the “but” • “You’re dependable, but you’re impulsive.” • “You’re dependable. And you’re alsoimpulsive.”

18. Tactics for Confident Communication • Frame the positive angle • Helps people accept you and your message • Say what you’re for, not what you’re against • Focus on improving the outcome not on the mistake • “I won’t be late anymore” Vs. • “I will leave home five minutes earlier”

19. Tactics for Confident Communication • Bring up a touchy subject only with awarning • Prepare people with some lead-in: • “I know this isn’t a popular topic” Or • “I need to talk to you about something that’s difficult to discuss”

20. Tactics for Confident Communication • Express your opinions as opinions--not asfacts or questions • People are less likely to get angry if it’s your opinion • If it’s not a genuine question, why ask? • Questions can, however, be great toolsfor increasing the effectiveness of your communication

21. Tactics for Confident Communication • Check out inferences • Make a habit of checking out what you thinkthe words, tone of voice, body language, and context mean

22. Tactics for Confident Communication • Use positive rather than negative words • Psychologists say that we hear and remember positive wording better than negative wording--particularly instructions

23. Consider “I” messages to reducedefensiveness Be specific Watch howword choiceaffectsinterpretation Which is your favorite? Substitute “and” statementsfor “but”statements Frame the positive angle Bring up a touchy subjectonly with awarning Express youropinions asopinions--not asfacts or questions Check outinferences Use positive rather than negative words

24. Writing Speaking Reading Listening 9% 13% 23% 55% Time Spent Communicating 9% 9% 23% 23% 55% 55% 13% 13%

25. 2 Listening: An Essential Skill • Listening is an essential skill for making and keeping relationships • People who don’t listen are boring • It’s dangerous not to listen!

26. To Understand “I Care” Listening: An Essential Skill It’s Time for aListening Challenge! • Listening is a commitment and a compliment

27. What Are Your Intentions? These Forms of Intent CanChip Away At Communication – Difficult to Build Trust & Strong Relationships Strategies used to get our way Relinquishing Controlling Defending Affirming Foundationfor Trust

28. Demonstrate Affirming Intent • Asking open-ended questions • Showing genuine interest • Moderate tone of voice • Eye contact • Friendly body language • Move away from distractions • Allot adequate time

29. What Type of Intent?

30. Pseudo-Listening … When We • Try to make people think we’re interested so they’ll like us • Listen for one specific piece of info • And ignore everything else • Buy time to prepare our next comment

31. Pseudo-Listening … When We • Listen to find weak points • So we can correct or to have ammunition for an attack • Half-listen • Feign interest because that’s what good, kind, and nice people do

32. We All Do It … • Everyone is a pseudo-listener at times • Problems develop when pseudo-listening is happening more frequently than real listening

33. Real vs. Pseudo-Listening • Being quiet does not constitute real listening • Productive real listening is based on our desire to: • Give help or comfort • Learn something new • Understand someone’s perspective • Enjoy someone

34. Let’s Do Some Self-Reflection About Our Listening Patterns

35. Ask Yourself • Who are the people you listen to best? • Who are the people with whom you do more pseudo-listening? • What is it about these people that makes it easier or harder to listen to them? • Are there any people on the chart with whom you want to do more real listening? Pick One Person—And for One Day, Committo Real Listening!

36. 3 Self Expression • Expressing yourself effectively when it counts and to the people who matter to you • Whole messages • Contaminated messages

37. Four Kinds of Expression Categories JudgmentsTheoriesBeliefsOpinions Observations What You See, Hear,Read Thoughts What You Think Feelings What You Feel Needs What You Want She plans to submit the report by the end of the week. I heard there is a staff meeting next week. He must be afraid of his wife; he alwaysseems nervous around her.Theory You were wrong to just fire her. Value Judgment I feel like I let you down, and it reallygnaws at me. I miss you. Can you be home before seven? I’d loveto go to a movie. I need to reserve time with you so we can sit down and work this out.

38. Let’s Play Cards

39. Observations What You See Thoughts What You Think Feelings What You Feel Needs What You Want Whole Message I’m concerned about your tardiness and its impact on our office. Starting tomorrow, I need for you to arrive on time. When you arrive late, I believeit hurts our office’s overall ability to provide good service to our customers. I see that you arrived at work late today. Thisis the third time this week.

40. Partial Messages • Not every situation requires whole messages • However, when using partial messages continuously, people will sense something’s missing, but they won’t know what • Making judgments without feelings, needs • Stating conclusions without supporting observations • Listing demands without feelings, thoughts

41. Partial Messages Test Ask yourself the following questions: • Have I expressed what I know to be fact? Is it based on what I’ve observed, read or heard? • Have I clearly expressed by thoughts, conclusions, judgments or opinions? • Have I expressed my feelings without blame or judgment? • Have I shared my needs without blame or judgment?

42. Contaminated Messages • Message that is mixed or mislabeled • The sender is experiencing all 4 elements of a whole message, but what is communicated is a blurred category statement with a veiled meaning • Contaminated messages can be • Confusing • Alienating • Covert • Typically laden with emotions and feelings

43. Ask Yourself What is the purpose of the following contaminated messages? • To learn • To express • To problem solve • To get them to admit they’re wrong • To “quick--lob the hand grenade and then get out of there” OR is it … What is the intent? • To Affirm • To Control • To Relinquish • To Defend What’s really being said that is not being said?

44. Beware of Contaminated Messages Bang! • Why don’t you act a little human for a change? • I know what your problem is—you like to get paid but you don’t like to work • You eat your breakfast without a word, you leave for work, you get home, you have a snack, you read the paper, you fall asleep in front of the TV after dinner, and that’s the way it is

45. Beware of Contaminated Messages A Potential Whole Message for this contaminated one, could be… “Why don’t you act a little human for a change?”

46. Observations What You See Thoughts What You Think Feelings What You Feel Needs What You Want Whole Message That concerns me I really want to have a good working relationship with you. Is there something I should know? When that happens, it makes me wonder if I’ve offended you This is the third time you passed me by in the hall without speaking

47. Preparing Whole Messages • Self-awareness • What are you observing, thinking, feeling, wanting? • What is the purpose of your communication?(learn, express, problem-solve?) • Is the stated purpose the same as your real intention? (affirming, controlling, relinquishing, defending? • Consider rehearsing your message

48. Did you get the whole message?

49. Today … • We worked to become better, more confident communicators

50. Today … • We worked to become better, more confident communicators • What will we remember about word choice?