Tongue Fu: Verbal Self-Protection for Conflict Resolution

1. Prof. John BarkaiWilliam S. Richardson School of LawUniversity of Hawaii Tongue Fu Why Can’t You Shut Up?

2. Negotiation & Conflict Resolution are Professional & Personal skills

4. I will make it disappear

5. It’s gone!

6. Nothing to me $.85 Amazon 2004 $.25 Amazon Hawaii State Library - At School in electronic too

8. Tongue Fu Martial art of Verbal self-protection & Communication to prevent conflicts and resentment when you have good intentions.

9. It’s not what you say, but how you say it

10. Words to LoseFighting phrasesWords to UseFriendly phrases Avoid “trigger words which create resentment -> instead, build rapport

11. One size does not fit all Won’t always work

12. Hear a Sam Horn's Tongue Fu presentation http://www2.hawaii.edu/~barkai/HO/TongueFu.mp3 Tongue Fu

13. “But” out Don’t “should” on them Avoid extremes Stop defending yourself Never say “No!” Don’t make excuses If is your mistake Make requests, don’t give orders See the issue Get them under control Who makes you mad? Exit “no-win” disputes gracefully Tongue Glue Fun Fu Fresh start It’s 5 p.m. now A few Tongue Fu tools

14. But out

15. I am sure you are all really smart, but…

16. I know you are all trying to pay attention to me, BUT….

17. I sort of like your your idea, BUTwe tried that beforeand it didn’t work.

18. I ‘m sorry that happenedBUTit’s not my fault

19. Get off yourBUTand use “AND” instead

20. Needlessly offending people even if it sounds a little ungrammatical

21. BUT You did a good job, but you get defensive when someone gives you constructive criticism AND You did a good job, andwhen you learn to accept some help, you’ll be an even more valuable team member

22. BUT That’s a great idea, butwe don’t have the money for it. AND That’s a great idea, anddo you have any ideas to fund it?

23. Throw more but’s out! Don’t dismiss ideas mid sentence, acknowledge their contributions and make them feel like you’re both working towards the same goals. And Having said that However

24. And, Having said that, However Don’t dismiss ideas mid-sentence, ‘and’ acknowledges contributions and works towards common goals.

25. Butt someone near you

26. But someone near you 2-3x each That’s a pretty good idea you had, but …. I know you have thought a lot about, but… You probably intend to be helping our group, but … I like how you volunteered to help, but …

27. HAVE

28. You Shouldn’t Have …

29. “You should have …” “You need to …” Can’t change past Shames them Lose face Creates resentment “Next time…” “From now on…” “In the future…” Coaches Respectful Shapes Don’t “SHOULD” on themLose Use

30. Mistakes are like gold in the mine

31. CoachDon’t criticize

32. What’s the most important play in sports?

33. The next play

34. NEXT TIME Next time, please plan more and do some risk analysis before you act. . SHOULD You should have given thought to the complexity of this beforehand.

35. SHOULD You should have had that doc reviewed before distributing it. NEXT TIME In the future, please get someone else to review the docs before sending it

36. Should on someone near you You should have … …come to me earlier with this You should have … …gotten my approval before acting alone You should have … Then rephrase it with Tongue Fu

37. Don’t say “No” to their request

38. “No” “You can’t…” “You can’t because…” “Sure, as soon as…” “Yes, right after…” Put a condition on it Never say “No” or “Can’t” Lose Use “No” - shuts the verbal door in the face “No” is a dead-end word Shifts the responsibility for getting what they want to you – not them

39. Don’t say “no”to their request 2-3x each Will you do a favor for me? Can I have a raise? Would you volunteer for my group? Can I use your computer today?

40. Avoid EXTREMES be SPECIFIC “SPECIFICS” “EXTREMES”: NEVER, ALWAYS, NO ONE You never attend my meetings. You always tell me you’ll be done on time, and you never are. Extremes & universals get the discussion off target

41. Avoid EXTREMES be SPECIFIC “SPECIFICS” This is the second timethis month you’ve missed. Is there a problem? We need your area to be represented. Your work was late last weektoo. Please let me know in advance if you’re going to miss the estimates. “EXTREMES”: NEVER, ALWAYS, NO ONE You never attend my meetings. You always tell me you’ll be done on time, and you never are.

42. Stop Defending Yourself

43. You obviously don’t care much about … Me Your classmates Anyone other than yourself The little guys Your clients Customer service Being fair

44. You’re clearly biasedYou’re not giving me a fair chance

45. Don’t know what to say when you are accused? Don’t really “say” anything Draw out the real issue with questions

46. Ask Questions Answer accusations with questions

47. “What do you mean?”“Why do you say that?”“What makes you think that? Careful about your tone of voice when you say these things

48. 4 Magic Phrases To Get Out of Any Jam That’s interesting; tell me more. That’s interesting; why would you ask that? That’s interesting; why would you say that? That’s interesting: why would you do that? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw1million views Dan O’Connor

49. Accuse someone near youthen let them“draw you out”by asking questions

50. “No way! I didn’t…” “You’re right. I should have…” Your Mistake?Lose Use Just admit it, don’t try to excuse it