Monogamy- what’s the big deal

1. Monogamy- what’s the big deal Sociology 287 Pepper Schwartz,PhD 2013

2. Believe in monogamy in dating relationships? • Yes • No

3. Believe in monogamy in marriage? • Yes • No

5. Have you ever been unfaithful to a person you were dating? • Yes • no

7. Why every society cares- • And is willing to regulate that value by law, religion and custom.

8. Monogamy is the basic unit or reproductive success • Knowing who the father is • Tying the father to the survival of his offspring • Sexuality as a bond that creates loyalty and sacrifice for women/children

9. But maintaining loyalty isn’t simple • Non Monogamy does happen • We are not a lifetime mating animal • We do not have an estrus – so females are willing- and partners are always available

10. Jealousy is an adaptive strategy • “mate guarding” is in most species • Makes a partner seem more valuable – shows investment • Operative even if no trespass has occurred or loss of affection is involved • Other men/women as seen as competitors

11. Historically, it was only women who could be unfaithful • Many strategies to control them: • Purdah • Duanas • Chastity Belts • Virginity and Virginity proofs • Honor Killings • family_ ‘Death of a Princess” BBC • community- Ghost Warrior ( China)

12. The strategy was often based on a concept of female sexuality Moslem religion- women are more sexual than men Early and Medieval Christianity- women as inherently sinful ( except Mary) Jews- Sex as a blessing, practical – both men and women interested

13. There have been historical variations depending on culture • Victorian England: even though Victoria and Albert were quite the romantic couple- • “Lie back and think of England” • Women weren’t supposed to like sex • Too much interest- “Hysteria” “ Operations…

14. But plenty of evidence of female desire and interest in others • Socio- biologists; Females picky- men not- want as much sex as possible • Evolutionary Biologists: Look at all species: • Robins: She’s interested in the better bird • ( examined the DNA of eggs)

15. Why not more? High costs • Loss of Partner • Possible loss of respect from community • Anger and possible loss of children • Loss of emotional support and trust from partner • Retaliation • Physical violence or death

16. Plus it ‘s easier • Provides less risk of loss • No parentage problems • Not too time consuming • Less mercurial emotions ( jealousy, fear, etc) • Hard to break the power of the dyad • Hard to justify next to religious norms

17. So why do people do it? Men: • Socio- Biological Theories • More women=More Children=More Genes

18. Men: Biological Theory • Male Sex Drive • Testosterone • Visual Creatures • Hierarchy • Not Meant to be Monogamous

19. Men: Cultural Theory Men are envied and culturally rewarded for being sexually active by culture and male peers • Stigma is either missing or less intense than for women • It is seen as more the “nature ‘ of men and they are given more of a pass..

20. Men: Sociological Theories • High expectations of life time marriage hard to live up to for both sexes • “because they can” – more institutions such as Prostitution for men, jobs providing travel, etc • General costs are less-if they are caught they: • don’t have the same economic costs • less chance of losing kids or raising • them alone

21. Gary Becker: suggests that monogamy may have arisen as a means for poor and unattractive men to insure that they had continued access to wives.. • Can go into the marriage market when they are young and more attractive and hold on to partner under less advantageous conditions!

22. Women: Evolutionary Biology • Searching for the Better Father: • Helen Fisher data on getting a new Dad every four years.. • The “more yams” theory_ have a plan B

23. Women : Biological • The menstrual cycle: higher and more insistent at ovulatory time • Sex produces oxytocin- more likely to feel bonded to male if they feel excitement-and act on it. • Not meant to be entirely monogamous

24. Women: Cultural • “Anything for Love” • Exercising the power of sexuality for attention and admiration • Used to giving into men

25. Women :Sociological • More peer support.. • women supporting women • More legal protection from wrath of husband or partner • Still able to be marriageable-

26. Other sociological aspects- • Because she can’t: • leave an unhappy marriage-so she cheats • “Because she can: • she has her own work, enough money • Less punitive divorce laws • More mixing with opposite sex in work • More travel

27. What do people consider a violation of monogamy? Kissing? • Talking sexy to someone else? • Online flirting? • Chat rooms • Oral sex but not intercourse? • Sexy dreams about someone else • An “emotional affair?”

28. What do you consider non monogamous if you did it? * and had a steady partner (answer each) • Kissing alone • Having dinner –not telling • Fantasizing • Touching over clothes • Oral Sex • Intercourse

29. Can there be extenuating circumstances? • Being Drunk • Being stoned • During a separation ( but not divorced) • Mad at each other • Revenge for other’s non monogamy • Partner said he or she wouldn’t care • Being cornered and afraid to say no

30. Are the terms interchangeable? • Infidelity • Cheating • Extramarital Sex • Non- Monogamy • Screwing Around • Others?

31. In general- 86% say ALWAYS wrong! • However- only about 50% say they would automatically leave – • And that number is lower in reality

32. Would you leave if- it was 1time- and you had young children • Yes • No

33. If you had big debts- and you would be responsible for half or all of them • Yes • No

34. If you had a big argument and you were thinking of leaving • Yes • No

35. If it happened if you were drunk • Yes • No

36. Exceptions: • Swingers • Polyamory • “Don’t ask, don’t tell”

37. Who are “swingers”? • Different types • No emotional involvement • “Play dates” • Recreational Life is organized about it • Commuunal

38. Gilmartin study • No more or less happiness in their relationship • No more likely to drink heavily • No more likely to have had therapy • Generally middle to upper middle class • Usually the man’s idea- but women stay longer..

39. Why do they do it? They say: It alleviates sexual boredom It is a turn on ( esp men vis a vis wives) Controls jealousy by being there and knowing what is happening- can be rules . Experientially richer A paired social world

40. What predicts it for other people? • Correlated with pre-marital sexual history • Correlated with number or pre-marital partners • More likely liberal values Traditional visions of masculine sexuality • Religiosity does NOT predict ( except in religious community) • Most , just once or twice

41. Age( and class) makes a difference • Working Class Men more likely when younger • Middle and Upper-middle class men more likely when older • Women more likely to do it when younger- but not unknown in middle age

42. NORC study 1994 • At least once: • 25% of married men • 15% of married women- • But only about 4% in a previous year • Not connected to marital discord • And those with a happy sex life not exempt a ( Normal Bar, 2013)

43. 2001 study ( Atkins) • Most likely to have engaged in infidelity: • Cohort of men 55-65 • Cohort of women 40-45

44. Gay men: ( Solomon, 2005) • Over 50% of gay men in civil unions or cohabiting compared to • 15% of heterosexual men in a matched sample. • But one half of the gay men in a civil union and 33% of cohabiting men said non- monogamy was not allowed

45. Most predictable: Opportunity • STARDOM • movie stars, basketball players • WARTIME • loneliness, prostitutes and the needy • NEGLECT • little sex, affection, time,

46. Do we think it is increasing? Could be because of: • 1.The less sacred status of marriage • 2.The less sacred status of sex • 3. a taste for sexual variety learned in long single period • 4.Good contraceptives have multiplied

47. AND/OR. • 5. A lot more people have experienced “hook-ups”- “friends with benefits” • 6. A lot more privacy for both sexes • 7. De-sensitization because of Presidents,Governors, Celebrities.. • 8 Longer lives and longer sexual lives..

48. Differences in non-monogamy and affairs… • Gender Difference Men more likely to do sex than affairs • Gay men can do non monogamy but not affairs • Women more likely to do “emotional affairs”

49. Affair consequences: • Men more likely to leave their unfaithful partner than vice versa • Only about 10% end up with affair partner • More than half of marriages break up- but not all

50. How, if at all, are marriages saved? • 1. Important if it is admitted, discovered or denied. • 2.Critical if it is stopped ( really stopped as opposed to what the partner believes) • Emotional connection has to be broken too • It may help a reasonably good marriage be more intimate and honest