Responding to Domestic Violence: The Church's Role

1. Domestic Violence And how the church should respond to it

2. Before We Begin • Introduction • My Background • Housekeeping • Room in Confidence • He/She • What to Expect • Dynamics of Domestic Violence • Church’s Response • Resources • Discussion

3. Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional/psychological abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence varies dramatically. - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Domestic ViolenceDefined

4. DID YOU KNOW? • In the United States, an average of 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually.i • 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner.ii • 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been severely physically abused by an intimate partner.iii • 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked. Stalking causes the target to fear she/he or someone close to her/him will be harmed or killed.iv • On a typical day, domestic violence hotlines nationwide receive approximately 20,800 calls. • Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.vi • Intimate partner violence is most common among women between the ages of 18-24.vii Statistics

5. The root of domestic abuse is power and control • How it all starts Power and Control Wheel

6. See in Media – our concept of violence • Usually when you meet the victims – not the first stage • What we are familiar with Additional Types of Abuse: Physical • Variety in Physical • Intimidation • STrangulation

7. Cyberbullying Additional Types of Abuse: Technological • Stalking • Harassment

8. Birth Control/Forced Abortions – Emotional Celebratory times • Forcing/Witholding • Violence Additional Types of Abuse: Sexual

9. Additional Types: Psychological/Emotional • Terms Used Emotional/Psychological/Verbal/Mental

10. Additional Types: Psychological/Emotional • Gaslighting • Abusers discredit victims (mental health problems, substance abuse) • Withholding. An abusive partner pretends he or she doesn’t understand what you said or simply refuses to listen, shutting you down when you try to confront him or her about abusive behavior. • Countering. Does an abuser tell you that you aren’t remembering things correctly, even when you’re sure you know what happened? • Diversion. If an abusive partner keeps changing the subject each time you bring up their abusive tactics, or blocks you from even talking about it in the first place, such as by saying, “Let’s talk about that later,” or “You know your memory isn’t the best,” this is yet another gaslighting technique. • Trivializing. An abuser might call you “too sensitive” or raise a skeptical eyebrow when you try to complain about his or her behavior, asking you why you would get upset over “something so dumb.” • Forgetting. How convenient that the abuser seems to constantly forget the sequence of events that occurred. If he or she consistently says things like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “That never happened,” this is gaslighting.

11. Additional Types of Abuse: Spiritual • Under the Umbrella of Emotional Abuse • Biblical References Verses • Patriarchal Hierarchy • “Janette”

12. Additional Types: Financial • Do not sleep on Financial Abuse! • Not allowing to work • Forcing to Work • Withholding access to money • Wasting money on drugs/alcohol • Ruining credit

13. “Systematic” Cycle of Abuse • Myth - Men who abuse are violent because they cannot control their anger and frustration. • Myth - Alcohol and drug use is a major cause of domestic violence

14. Everyone Knows a Victim What does the victim look like?

15. Common Misconceptions Who do you picture? Found in other countries - It IS found in the church Sumer It is found in the educated It is found in the wealthy Could have come from traumatic background

16. Identifying Victims Bruising or other indications of injury Unseasonal clothing Last-minute cancelling or rescheduling Always needing to check phone Uneasiness Depressed, moody, slow moving, tearful • Exhausted • Withdrawn • Isolated • Jumpy, anxious • Preoccupied • Ultimately - disclosure

17. Probably Would you date an abusive person?

18. Who are Abusers Can be anyone you know Excuses Alcohol Anger Mental Health But remember that it is frequently only towards the one person. Narcissism – Not all abusers are brutes. Frequently they are sneaky. 2 Timothy Perspective – Leaders in the community Why are they like this? Because it works

19. Trauma and the Brain

20. Have you known anyone who has gone through a traumatic incident? What were the short term affects? What were the long term affects?

21. Lethality and Lasting Effects

22. PHYSICAL/MENTAL EFFECTS • Victims of intimate partner violence are at increased risk of contracting HIV or other STI’s due to forced intercourse and/or prolonged exposure to stress. xvii • Intimate partner victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.xviii • Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.xix ECONOMIC EFFECTS • Victims of intimate partner violence lose a total of 8,000,000 million days of paid work each year, the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.xx • Intimate partner violence is estimated to cost the US economy between $5.8 billion and $12.6 billion annually, up to 0.125% of the national gross domestic product.xxi • Between 21-60% of victims of intimate partner violence lose their jobs due to reasons stemming from the abuse.xxii • Between 2003 and 2008, 142 women were murdered in their workplace by

23. SEXUAL ASSAULT • 1 in 5 women and 1 in 59 men in the United States is raped during his/her lifetime.ix • 9.4% of women in the United States have been raped by an intimate partner.x STALKING • 19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the United States have been stalked.xi • 66.2% of female stalking victims reported stalking by a current or former intimate partner.xii HOMICIDE • 1 in 3 female murder victims and 1 in 20 male murder victims are killed by intimate partners.xiii • A study of intimate partner homicides found 20% of victims were family members or friends of the abused partner, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.xiv • 72% of all murder-suicides are perpetrated by intimate partners.xv • 94% of murder-suicide victims are female. • The presence of a gun in a domesitic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%

25. The woman has a strong “gut” sense that the man could kill her or her children • He is extremely jealous and possessive. • History of severe or very frequent violence toward her • He follows her, stalks her, or is very familiar with her daily routines. • She is taking steps to end the relationship or has already done so. • He was violent to her during a pregnancy. • There are stepchildren involved. • Threatened to kill her, has strangled her, has threatened her with a weapon • Threatened to kill the children. Lethality Assessment by Lundy – BIPP – Lethality Assessments

26. He has access to weapons and/or he is familiar with their use. • He is depressed, suicidal, or shows signs of not caring what happens to him • He is unemployed. • He isn’t close to anyone • He has a significant criminal history • He abuses alcohol or drugs heavily • He has been violent to children. • He has killed or in other ways been violent to pets • He has exhibited extreme behaviors when his partner has made attempts to leave him. • Previous sexual offenses Lethality

27. First Impressions Exposure to violence and the child’s developing brain

28. Reasons She Stays • Fear • Believing Abuse is Normal • Fear of Being Outted • Embarrassment or Shame • Losing Everyone • Low Self-Esteem • Love • Like a Drug • Cultural/Religious Reasons • Language Barriers/Immigration Status • Lack of Money/Resources • She’s Tried and It Has Never Worked • Disability

29. Being a Safe Haven The churches response to Domestic Violence

30. Where the Church Has Failed in the Past • “there is no room for naiveté or ignorance in the body of Christ. Jesus calls his followers to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves” • Shaming victims for the way or time in which they disclose • “Why?” is a dangerous word • Minimizing experiences • Victim Blaming • Backing the Abuser – emotionally and physically • Encouraging Couples Counseling • Holding Marriage above Safety • Smaller churches are less likely to know of a victim in their church How church leaders handle the reporting of abuse or harassment in one case today determines if other cases will be brought to light in the future

31. Side Note:Unconscious Bias • Activity • Important to know your immediate associations • Cannot be controlled • Video

32. Gaining a New Reputation : Prevention • Educational Opportunities – • Clergy, Church, Children (Breaking the Cycle) • Connect with Local DV programs • Sermons • Participating in Awareness • Having Resources Available (more available at the end) • Be familiar with laws and rights (Protective Orders, leases) • Known • Bilingual • Having an Action Plan/Church Stance • Background Checks/Mandated Reporting

33. Gaining a New Reputation: Action • Initial Interaction (generally individual) • Believe, Believe, Believe! • Ensure Safety • Avoid the temptation to investigate • Abusive Behavior – “Why?” • Follow their lead on terms (abuse) • Remember your training! But know you’re role! • Trauma – Not your job to investigate, but to empathize • Understanding this is a brave step • Remember Unconscious Bias • You are not an expert, you can empower with something greater • Connect them to others

34. Gaining a New Reputation : Action • Healing Through Healthy Community and Connections (Corporate) • Ensure that every action you do conveys belief and ensures safety • Offering Specific Support • Individual Counseling and Spiritual Support • Isolation is a tactic – • The only thing that will make everyone go insane is isolation • Christian Recovery Groups/Support • Church Member’s Story • Be In It For the Long Haul

35. Gaining a New Reputation: Offender • Prevention • Recognition and Accountability • Forgiveness is not permission to repeat abuse, does not mean forgetting abuse or pretending that it didn’t happen. Violence and abuse disrupt marriages, not divorce. • Why is it hard for an Abuser to change? Because it works • Boundaries are important • Miraculous ≠ quick

36. Signs He Has Changed • Admits abuse toward current/past partners was wrong, unconditionally • Acknowledges his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control • Recognizes the effects his abuse had on her, the children and shows empathy • Identifies in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes • Develops respectful behaviors/attitudes to replace abusive ones • Replaces his distorted image of her with a positive, empathetic view • Accepts the consequences of his abusiveness, commits to not repeating it • Makes amends • Accepts overcoming abusiveness is likely a lifelong process • Remains accountable for past and future actions

37. Signs He Has NOT Changed • Says he can change only if she changes and “helps” him change • Criticizes her for not realizing how much he’s changed • Criticizes her for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he’s done so in the past • Reminds her of the bad things he would have done, but isn’t anymore, amounting to a subtle threat • Tells her she’s taking too long to make up her mind, pressuring her not to take the time she needs to assess his change • Says he’s changing, but she doesn’t feel it

38. Discussion How can we change? Is the Conference equipped? Is the Church Equipped? How Would you respond? Does your church know it’s resources? Does your church need to be a resource?

39. National DV Organizations DomesticShelters.org Safe Houses and DV programs, Informative Articles The National Domestic Violence Hotline - https://www.thehotline.org 1-800-799-7233 National Coalition Against Domestic Violence – NCADV National Network to End Domestic Violence - NNEDV https://www.crisistextline.org/get-help/emotional-abuse Stalking/Tech Abuse https://www.techsafety.org/resources-agencyuse/assessing-tech-abuse ResourcesTo Know

40. Google is your friend! United Way – 2-1-1 https://www.unitedway.org/our-impact/featured-programs/2-1-1 Educational Materials Food Pantries Counseling Substance Abuse Programs Literature  Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Legal Help Find local Pro Bono attorneys ResourcesTo Know