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1. 1301 BA 9 – Sentence level revision – Whooo!

2. BA 9: To demonstrate your ability to revise paragraphs at the sentence level For this assignment, use the guidelines from Chapters 4, 5, 40, and 43 in the St. Martin’s Handbook to revise a substantial body paragraph(i.e. at least 4 sentences in length) from your Draft 1.1. Paste the original paragraph from your 1.1 draft into the assignment so that your instructor will be able to compare the original with your revision. Label them – “Original” “Revised” Finally, write a short summary and evaluation of your revisions. Identify and explain which strategies you used in revision and explain these revisions achieve your purpose for the paper. Also let readers know here which paragraph, your original or the revision, is the strongest and why you believe that to be so. The total length of the analysis should be 350-500 words, NOT including the original and revised body paragraphs.

3. Scoring Guide Focus: Does the student thoroughly examine the quality and specificity of the body paragraph? Does the student use this examination to guide his or her revisions to the body paragraph? Sources and Evidence: Does the student’s revised paragraph show noticeable improvement? Does the student support his or her critique by directly referring to specific parts of his or her body paragraph? This criterion is particularly important because students tend to use vague and generic language that could apply to any draft. Own Perspective: Does the student show authority in relaying his or her perspective about what should be revised in the body paragraph and in justifying the effectiveness of the revisions that he or she has made? Conclusion: Does the student provide an accurate evaluative statement about the overall effectiveness of the revisions? Does the student discuss the significance of the revisions her or she has made?  Communication: How effectively is the revised version of the body paragraph delivered? Does the student communicate his or her critique of the revisions effectively? Has the student organized his or her critique effectively? Are both the revised introduction and the critique relatively free of grammatical errors?

4. Keys to BA 9 Lean on BA 7- use strategies you discussed in that assignment for this. Specifically discuss what you took away from the S.M.H. Use, and cite grader/peer critiques Be specific/provide fully formed explanations for revisions. Be specific/provide fully formed explanations for overall effectiveness

5. Possible things that need revision Topic sentences Quality of quotes Integration of quotes Analysis over Summary Citations Connections back to audience/purpose Lack of evidence Transition sentences Spelling/Grammar/Academic tone

6. Positioning a topic sentence Topic sentence at the beginning If you want readers to see your point immediately, open with the topic sentence.  A paragraph should open with a clear topic sentence, on which subsequent sentences build. It should introduce a rhetorical choice, and lay out how it was used in the article.

7. Relating each sentence to the main idea – Ch. 5b S.M.H. Whether the main idea of a paragraph is stated in a topic sentence or is implied, each sentence in the paragraph should contribute to the main idea. Look, for example, at the following paragraph, which opens an essay about African American music: When I was a teenager, there were two distinct streams of popular music: one was black, and the other was white. The former could only be heard way at the end of the radio dial, while white music dominated everywhere else. This separation was a fact of life, the equivalent of blacks sitting in the back of the bus and “whites only” signs below the Mason- Dixon line. Satchmo might grin for days on “The Ed Sullivan Show” and certain historians hold forth ad nauseam on the black contribution to American music, but the truth was that our worlds rarely twined. The first sentence announces the topic (there were two streams of popular music: black and white), and all of the other sentences back up this idea. The result is a unified paragraph.

8. Editing for conciseness Look for redundant words. If you are unsure about a word, read the sentence without it; if the meaning is not affected, leave the word out. (40a) Replace wordy phrases with a single word. Instead of because of the fact that, try because. (40a) Simplify grammatical structures whenever possible. For example, you might rewrite a sentence to make it more specific or combine two sentences that have the same subject or predicate. (40b) Identify all uses of it is, there is, and there are, and delete any that do not give your writing necessary emphasis. (40b1) Note noun phrases whose meaning could be expressed by a verb, and try revising using the verb. (40b2) Look for sentences that use the passive voice without a good reason. If the active voice would make the sentence livelier, clearer, or more concise, rewrite the sentence. (40c)

9. Transition Signals Ch. 5c To signal sequence: again, also, and, and then, besides, finally, first…second…third, furthermore, last, moreover, next, still, too To signal time: after a few days, after a while, afterward, as long as, as soon as, at last, at that time, before, earlier, immediately, in the meantime, in the past, lately, later, meanwhile, now, presently, simultaneously, since, so far, soon, then, thereafter, until, when To signal comparison: again, also, in the same way, likewise, once more, similarly To signal contrast: although, but, despite, even though, however, in contrast, in spite of, instead, nevertheless, nonetheless, on the contrary, on the one hand…on the other hand, regardless, still, though, yet To signal examples: after all, even, for example, for instance, indeed, in fact, of course, specifically, such as, the following example, to illustrate

10. Transition Signals con’t To signal cause and effect: accordingly, as a result, because, consequently, for this purpose, hence, so, then, therefore, thus, to this end To signal place: above, adjacent to, below, beyond, closer to, elsewhere, far, farther on, here, near, nearby, opposite to, there, to the left, to the right To signal concession: although it is true that, granted that, I admit that, it may appear that, naturally, of course To signal summary, repetition, or conclusion: as a result, as has been noted, as I have said, as mentioned earlier, as we have seen, in any event, in conclusion, in other words, in short, on the whole, therefore, to summarize

12. If You Need To Cherry Pick… If you did so well that you have minor concerns scattered throughout you body paragraphs, and need to collectively revise (cherry pick), that’s fine. Just discuss what and why in your evaluative statement.

13. So what does this look like? “One aspect of my body paragraph that I chose to revise was my topic sentence, because originally it didn’t clearly lay out how the rhetorical choice was used. This concern was echoed in my grader comment which was, “blah blahblah.” The revised topic sentence is better because it introduces the rhetorical choice, and clearly lays out how it was used, so that my readers know what to expect in the subsequent sentences. Another area that I revised was transition phrases. In my first draft my paragraphs didn’t flow as smoothly as I would have liked. In revising I looked to Ch. 5c of the St. Martin’s book and utilized some of the suggested signal phrases. Now the points I make carry over from one paragraph to the next, providing a clearer transition for my reader. Overall, these changes were effective because….” *This is ½ of the required* Use this as a model to get you started, but not as an example of a COMPLETE evaluative statement.