The Status of Children in Polyamorous Families

1. The Status of Children in Polyamorous Families Elisabeth Sheff, PhD American Psychiatric Association May 9, 2012

2. Polyamorous Families • Some composed of all adults, though my research focuses on those with children • Most commonly an “open couple” with additional partners • Less frequently cohabitational triads, quads, or “moresomes” • Very similar to other families of sexual minorities, especially gay and lesbian families

3. Longitudinal Poly Family Study • Wave I 1996 - 2003: all adults, 20 men and 20 women interviewed, extensive participant observation, no contact information • Wave II 2007 - 2008: all adults, 15 previous respondents and 31 new additions interviewed • Wave III 2009 – 2012: 22 children and 38 (new) of their important adults • Total sample 131 interviewees, 500 participant observation

4. Sample Characteristics • White • Middle class • Highly educated • Liberals • Bisexual women, heterosexual men • Urban or suburban dwellers • Overlap with other non-conformists – pagans, gamers, geeks, kinksters, sci-fi fans, SCA and LARPers

5. Results • Limited generalizability • Unknown universe means impossible to gain representative sample • Small sample size, especially of children • Selection bias and attempts to remedy • Even so characteristic of mainstream poly communities in United States • Only longitudinal study of polyamory to date

6. Children’s Experiences • Vary primarily by age • Young children (5-8) tend to be oblivious to adults’ relationships, more focused on what adults do for the kids • Tweens (9-12) become increasingly aware of family difference, navigate others’ awareness • Teens (13-18) unapologetic for family difference, consider what it means for their own sexuality

7. Concluding Remarks • These children are doing extremely well • Born into positions of social privilege (race, class, education) • Additional resources enrich lives • Consciously constructed families more reflexive • Active agents - do not assume all adults will be parental figures • Larger more diverse sample might produce divergent results • Future research • Longitudinal contact with sample • More diverse practitioners • Continued interviews with those who leave poly lifestyle

8. Implications for Psychiatric Practice • While this sample is skewed, it clearly demonstrates that polyamorous families can be healthy environments for children – they are not definitionally pathological • These families do not provide a conventional moral framework, but they establish clear ethical codes that guide behavior and create boundaries

9. Policy and Theoretical Implications • Shift the emphasis from family founded on a (hetero)sexual relationship between a procreative dyad – a foundation that has proven quite shaky – to one that focuses on the children as the central component of family life. • Allow legal multiple parenting, which will affix more adults more securely to the children and entail not only parental rights, but responsibilities as well • Recognize multiple levels of relationships among adults to enable them to provide each other with additional support