BE TRANSFORMED: PURSUING GOD’S HEART FOR FAMILIES (Session 2)

1. AVRIL VAVROSKY L.Th, M.A. OMF INTERNATIONAL MISSIONARY BE TRANSFORMED: PURSUING GOD’S HEART FOR FAMILIES(Session 2)

2. SESSION TWO: TRANSFORMATION LEADS TO HAPPY, HEALTHY FAMILIES • This session will reveal God’s standard for the families and God’s prescription for a wholesome family. If we bring our families under the Lordship of Christ, then children grow up in a healthy environment. Your families will be blessed for a thousand generations. Those who disobey God’s directives, then the sins of the fathers get visited down to the third and fourth generation (Ex. 20:5-6).

3. I. GOD’S STANDARD FOR THE FAMILY • 創世記Gen. 2:18, 24 The Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.耶和華 神說：「那人獨居不好，我要為他造一個配偶幫助他。」 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 因此，人要離開父母，與妻子連合，二人成為一體。

4. Marriage is God’s idea • This is the order that God has set up, that the man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. He establishes a new unit with his wife. God’s divine intention was for monogamy. Together they form an inseparable union – of which sexual union is an expression. Gen. 1:28 says that God blessed them.

5. 2. The Ten Commandments • Now we come to Ex. 20 and these Commandments further protect the family. • The Ten Commandments teaches us to live in community with God and with each other. • Three of the commandments, #5, 7 and 10 are there for the family’s protection. These are boundaries that protect the family because God knew that sins like these would destroy the family unit.

6. Commandments #5 • 5. Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. • 「當孝敬父母，使你的日子在耶和華你神所賜你的地上得以長久。 • God wants children to treat their parents with respect. Disrespect is linked to rebellion, pride, rejection, dislike, anger etc. • To honor: prize highly; care for; show respect for; obey.

7. Commandments #7 • 7. You shall not commit adultery. • 「不可姦淫。 • This encompasses immorality and all sexual sins. • Adultery is so abominable to God that He condemns it everywhere in the Bible. • The innocent party and children are the ones who suffer the most. Prov. 6:32-22 says that shame will follow the adulterer for the rest of his/her life.

8. Commandments #10 • 10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.「不可貪戀人的房屋；也不可貪戀人的妻子、僕婢、牛驢，並他一切所有的。」 • Coveting involves the desire or lust for all that is wrong or belongs to another person. Those who covet are depraved.

9. However, disobedience will result in: Humiliation (16.19,26) Mental/emotional and physical problems (20,21,22,27,28) Barrenness/unfruitful (18) Breakdown in family relationships/alienation (30,32) Poverty (17) Defeat (24,25,33) Oppression (31) Failure (20,29) God’s disfavor (23) 3. Deut. 28:1-33 Blessings or Curses • All these blessings will overtake you because you obeyed God (2) • Success (3) • Exaltation (9, 10,13) • Fruitfulness (4,11) • Prosperity (4, 5, 8) • Victory (7) • God’s favor (2-13) • Success (12)

10. 1. Colossians 3:18-25 • Paul lays down the rules for Christian households. In our day there is a great debate over family values and what they really mean. • Yet God has established a divine order for the home and if followed will result in an orderly, happy home

11. Definition of Submission • To submit (Gr. hupotasso literally means “to line up under” suggesting a voluntary relinquishment of one’s rights to another. Paul always used this term to describe the role assignment of a wife to her husband. The concept suggests mutual submission and intimacy, promoting a union ordained by God with love as the cohesive agent. Love characterizes the servant leadership of the husband and submissive cooperation of the wife.

12. What is the difference between submission and obedience? • Submission means that we as women allow our husbands to function as the head of the home. This is God’s order. We cannot usurp his authority in the home! • Obedience on the other hand, does not mean that she now becomes his slave and neither should he treat her as if she is his daughter/child/slave. • Are you a submissive wife?

13. Why doesn’t Paul admonish us to love our husbands? • Women are natural nurturers and by nature it is easy for us to love. The problem that we face is that it is not easy to respect our husbands. • SYNONYMS: Consideration, deference, esteem, honor, regard, reverence, veneration. • ANTONYMS: contempt, dislike, disrespect, repugnance.

14. b. Why does Paul order the husbands to love their wives?! • It is easy for a man to treat his wife as if she were a man. Or his property as in Paul’s day • Why does Paul warn the husbands to not be harsh with their wives? What would harshness do to a relationship? This relationship would suffer because harshness is the same as being abusive. • What is harshness indicative of? It is indicative of a man who does not love his wife.

15. c. What has God convicted of you this evening? • Do you need to repent of anything that you may have negatively contributed to preventing having a happy home? • EXAMPLE: Man who couldn’t find work for 18 months. Called me and I dealt with his relationship with his wife. He did not honor her and actually despised her for not having a lot of education. He repented and within days God gave him a job.

16. 2. Ephesians 5: 21-33 • Mutual submission is a principle that needs to first be applied in the family. Submission, humility, gentleness, patience and tolerance must be characteristic of each member. • The wife must submit to the husband’s responsibility of leadership in the family. The husband must submit to the needs of the wife in an attitude of love and self-giving.

17. The Wife’s Role • The wife’s duty to her husband includes: • love (Titus 2:4) • respect (v.33), • assistance (Gen. 2:18), • purity (Tit. 2:5), • submissiveness (v. 22; 1 Pet. 3:5), • development of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pet. 3:4) • and being a good mother (Ti 2:4).

18. The Husband’s Role • The husband is the established head of the home and this position is assigned by God. His leadership must be exercised in love, gentleness and consideration for his wife and family.

19. Husband • His duties include: provision for the family’s spiritual and domestic needs (vv. 23-24; Gen. 3:16-19; 1 Tim. 5:8); love, protection and interest in her welfare just as Christ loves the church (vv. 25-33); honor, understanding, appreciation and thoughtfulness (Col. 3:19; 1 Pet. 3:7); absolute faithfulness to the marriage relationship (v. 31; Matt. 5:27-28).

20. 3. 1 Peter 3:1-7 • Having a conflictual relationship with your wife is a huge transformation buster. Peter warns the husband that if he fails to live with his wife in an understanding way and not give her honor as a fellow child of God that it would damage his relationship with God by creating a barrier between his prayers and God.

21. What does this all mean? • As Christians we come into covenant with God and He blesses, protects us, leads us, guides us, helps us. He provides for all our needs. The non-Christian does not enjoy these privileges that we have because they are outside of God’s covenant.

22. 約翰福音John 3:16 • We serve a loving God who cares for you, your spouse and your family. He wants to bless your family too, so won’t you come and join the royal family of God? • “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”. • 「神愛世人，甚至將他的獨生子賜給他們，叫一切信他的，不至滅亡，反得永生。

23. II. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY DYNAMICS THAT ARE UNGODLY • Families who are not submitted to the Lordship of Christ are out of God’s order and therefore the home and the marriage is not reflecting the glory of God. Make this year, 2010, the year that you bring your family under Christ’s Lordship. Dysfunctional families are transformation busters because it keeps you grounded in wrong behaviors.

24. A. RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE • Every marriage needs to come under the Lordship of Christ. A renewed mind results in a renewed marriage relationship. Remember what I told you last week: Satan loves to attack the family and destroy the harmony between a husband and wife. His plan is to break the family up. Some couples live in such discord and disharmony and hatred the only recourse for them seems to be divorce! Satan knows that God hates divorce. Constant bickering, fighting and arguing is abnormal.

25. What will influence my marriage negatively? • Not loving, honoring and respecting each other. Commit to your marriage and to these three foundational aspects to having a good marriage. • Not building into his/her life and helping him/her achieve his/her potential in Christ and help to expand Christ’s kingdom on earth.

26. Negative Influences • Not respecting spouse according to God’s word: disdain because not making enough money, not good-looking enough, getting too fat/old and therefore despising spouse. • Bringing into your marriage the negative things from your past and for imitating your parents’ dysfunctional ways. (Father spoke harshly to his wife and therefore you now do the same thing etc.) • Not praying with each other or reading Scripture together.

27. Negative Influences • Fighting and arguing with each other. According to James 4 this is because of four influences: the desires that battle within us, sin, pride and the devil. Fighting is a sign that your needs are not being met. Discover how to meet your spouse’s needs. This is also an indication that you are not putting into her emotional bank. • Not going on dates with your spouse and letting him/her know that they are the most important person in your life. Often spouses develop a roving eye and look to the opposite sex to fulfill that need. • Abusive to each other: to abuse your wife is to become an enemy of God. Check out Malachi 3:16.

28. QUESTION: What constitutes abuse in a relationship? • Verbal abuse which includes name calling, swearing at each other, cursing each other. • Physical abuse – hitting, shoving, pushing, withholding food etc. • Emotional abuse – refusing to talk to spouse, controlling his/her every move, telling spouse where to go, what to buy, whom they are allowed to see etc. Confess for not putting into her emotional tank. • Mental abuse – playing mind games with spouse. • Financial abuse – withholding finances, refusing to share the budgeting with spouse, opening an account without the other spouse knowing, spending money on self etc. • Sexual abuse – withholding sex from one another in order to punish or control the spouse; conversely forcing your spouse to have sex when it is not consensual or when the spouse is not feeling well; using sex to dominate your spouse.

29. B. RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN • Dysfunctional families prevent children from attaining all that God has in store for them. God has plans for your children (Jer. 29:11), but they cannot fulfill their God-given destiny if they are filled with rage, hatred, anger, rebellion and woundedness due to rejection and hurts. Children need to feel safe. The only place where they should feel truly accepted and loved is in the family.

30. 馬太福音Matt. 24:12 •   Jesus then announced, “And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold”只因不法的事增多，許多人的愛心才漸漸冷淡了。 (Matt. 24:12).  This has begun to happen!  The world has seen a sharp increase in violence, lawlessness, and general immorality and iniquity.  Riots, looting, arson, murder, pornography, violence in movies, profanity, and the breakdown of the home and family -- all are contributing to a world gone berserk and gangs and rioters running amok!  Civil disorder and ethnic strife and hatred are rapidly increasing. 

31. Col. 3: 20 • Paul here addresses children. Do your children obey you in everything? If not, would you be willing to seek help? Obedience pleases the Lord and results in long life for those who honor and obey their parents. (Eph. 6:1-3). • Are you helping your child to achieve pleasing the Lord and shooting for long life?

32. 歌羅西書Col. 3:21 • “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”你們作父親的，不要惹兒女的氣，恐怕他們失了志氣。 What is Paul talking about here? • 1. It is the solemn obligation of parents to instruct and correct their children in the Lord.. Punish only intentional wrongdoing. • 2. Parents have to be an example of Christian conduct and life. They should care more for their salvation than pushing them to study, get a profession of their choice and have social standing. In other words, your expectations of your child need to be realistic.

33. 3. Parents you cannot show favoritism with your kids. “Jung nan ching nye” should never be part of your Christian household. To favor one child over the other will scar a child for life and that child will struggle with feelings of rejection, unworthiness and never being good enough. You rob a child of his/her God-given potential and you will have to give an account for how you treated God’s gift to you. • 4. Children need compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience and respect.

34. 5. Fathers please remember that when a girl turns 11 years old, and she begins to develop into a young woman, that this is the most critical time of her development. Most men unconsciously reject their daughters at this stage, confusing the girls. What happens then is that the girl becomes a flirt. She needs that father influence in her life. If she doesn’t get it she will look for it in other men. I have seen this behavior many times over. • 6. With boys, when they are neglected by their fathers, they develop behavioral problems due to rejection, some become effeminate and others drift into homosexual behaviors

35. 7. Watch what you say to your kids. Constant belittling them and calling them derogatory names can damage their psyche and influence their life in a negative way. This is tantamount to cursing your children.

36. 8. Parents keep your yelling and arguing to a minimum. Research has shown that this type of behavior causes anxiety in a child. Once anxiety sets in it is almost impossible to get rid of. Some kids will need medication for the rest of their lives. Fear is another problem that will develop. We are all human and we will engage in yelling and fighting, but if you tell the child that it is not his fault and you humble yourself and apologize to your child - that is going to negate the harmful effects of your behavior

37. 9. Encouraging your child is vital to their self-esteem. Most Asian parents forget to encourage their children. American dads do better in this area. Give your child hope and help that child see a wonderful future for himself.

38. 10. Project a future for them. Encourage them to dream, plan for their future and instill hope in them. • I have heard many a dad or mom say to their kids: “You’ll never amount to much.” This is a form of a curse. What they think you think of them will affect them for the rest of their lives. EXAMPLE: Tiffany, 28 year old American.

39. C. RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN COUPLES AND PARENTS • In Col. 3, when Paul tells the children to obey their parents, we should note that Paul here is addressing children, those who are not yet adults.

40. QUESTION • Have you honored them in old age through care and financial support? Have you shown them respect? Do you keep in contact with them or are you too busy to call them? Do you agree or disagree with this statement: “To neglect your parents is tantamount to abuse?” Have you forgiven your parents for the wrong they may have done to you? For abusing you? Neglect? Broken promises?

41. QUESTION • As an adult how does your role now change with your parents? • What is the difference between obedience and honor? • How have you allowed your parents’ rule to negatively influence your household so that God’s order for the home is turned upside down? EXAMPLE: Man whose Mom wants to use Feng Shui to control the family.

42. HANDOUTS • How involved are your parents in your marriage? On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your parents and your spouse’s parents. • How enmeshed are you with your parents? On a scale of 1 to 10 rate yourself. • Take out your handouts and fill them in now.

43. III. ACTION STEPS • FOR HUSBAND AND WIFE: • Commit to your relationship with your spouse and stand together. Don’t be divided because a divided house will never stand. Jesus said that it wouldn’t stand. • Aim to please the Lord in the way you treat your spouse. Aim to please the Lord in the way you treat your children. • Develop a partnership and friendship with your spouse

44. Do whatever it will take to make your marriage successful: go for counseling, deliverance ministry, join groups, etc. • Serve one another. • Submit to one another. • Realize that at times you won’t always feel like being in love. That is where commitment comes in.

45. B. FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN: • Dedicate your child to the Lord when they are born. • Teach them to fear the Lord and stay away from evil. • Teach them to obey you through Biblical discipline. • Protect them from harmful influences. Be aware that Satan is out to destroy your child and will do anything in his power to do so. Therefore restrict what movies, games etc they see and play

46. Make your children aware that God is always watching them. • Help your child early in life to dedicate their lives to Him. • Encourage them to remain separated from the world. • Have daily family devotions. • Teach them that God has a plan for their lives. • Prepare them to endure suffering for Christ.

47. Pray for your children daily. Fasting is very powerful. • Let your kids know just how much you love them. Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally. If you don’t someone else will and that person may be a pedophile.

48. Have fun with your child and help build good memories. • Allow your child to tell you when they have embarrassed them, hurt them, or did something that is not pleasing to them. This takes great humility on the parent’s part. • Don’t criticize or scold them in front of others, mock them, belittle them, call them dumb, stupid etc. Rather, communicate optimism and expectancy. Isn’t this what God does for us? C/f Jer. 29:11.

49. C. FOR COUPLES AND THEIR PARENTS • God calls us to honor our parents, but once we get married the husband is to cleave to his wife.

50. You can still honor your parents, but slavish obedience is not the same as honoring them. Many families suffer because the husband is a slave to his parents. Open an account for your parents and when they need money you take from that account. I have seen families suffer and not have enough food on their tables or clothes to wear because all their money was going to help their families back home. Our first priority is our own immediate family – that is our God-given responsibility.