Negotiating Pairbonding: Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

1. Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous RelationshipsLeanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

2. Definitions • Polygamy - More Than One Spouse • Polygyny - More Than One Wife • Polyandry - More Than One Husband • Monogamy - One Spouse • Does not preclude sexual fidelity • Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time • Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates • Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

3. Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory • Compersion • loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others • New Relationship Energy (NRE) • Limerence • Other Significant Other (OSO) • Primary, Secondary, Tertiary • maintain social family hierarchy • Polyfidelity • sexually faithful to one’s family

4. Poly Configurations • Open Couple • Independent Single • Primary and Secondary Partners • Multiple Primary Partners • Triad -- V or • Quad • Intimate Network

5. Poly Players • 94.3% White • Highly Educated • Science Fiction Aficionados • Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s) • Utopian Swingers • Frustrated by Monogamy • Independent Idealists

6. Poly Cultural Practices • New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones • Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.” • NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. • Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

7. Human Reproductive Strategies • Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) • Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) • Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994) • Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle • Lover in the Wings • 2-4 year Divorce Cycle • Polygamy • Polygyny • Polyandry

8. Stages of Romantic Love • Lust • sexual interest -- love at first sight • testosterone • Attraction • love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE • dopamine, norepinephrine • Attachment • stability, tranquility, peace • oxytocin, vasopressin • Detachment • withdrawal, boredom

9. Brain Chemistry • Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels • favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) • obsession with details • possessiveness/mate guarding • High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters. • little need to be validated from the confirmation of mutual love

10. Incidence of Romantic Love • A Human Universal • found in nearly all non-Western societies • Not a Western cultural artifact! • Considered different from Sexual Lust • Can be suicidal when advances are not reciprocated • Subject to high levels of Jealousy

11. Pair Bonding • Banned by Oneida and Kerista • Focused on group love • Starling brothers and sisters • Discouraged investment in NRE

12. Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? • Its very possible to be in lust with many partners • Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners • The attraction phase may be largely a mono-experience • Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

13. Sex-Love Jealousy • Biological Roots • males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs. • Cultural Roots • may be largely a product of cultural learning, being barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans • Economic Roots • females fear that their partner’s time, energy and resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.

14. Kinds of Jealousy • Possessive Jealousy • Exclusion Jealousy • feeling left out, deprived of time/attention • Competition Jealousy • feeling inadequate comparing oneself • Ego Jealousy • feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover • Fear Jealousy • anxiety that partner will leave permanently

15. Jealousy and Monogamy • Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love. • Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness • Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared

16. Jealousy and Polygyny • Occurs when resources can be divided unevenly • Can happen when visiting times are unequal • Can arise when favoritism is suspected • Can occur when it is not chosen by the wives • switching from monogamy to polygyny • co-wives that don’t get along

17. Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy • Taste but Don’t Surrender • No elaborate Seduction • Limited Sharing • Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy • Safer Sex • Viral and Emotional • Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

18. Polyamory and Jealousy • It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing) • Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol) • You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)

19. Polyamory and Jealousy Study • 229 questionnaires received • 140 questionnaires evaluated • focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating • swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included • created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.

20. Research Objectives • Gather information on how poly people construct their social, emotional and sexual lives • Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations • Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness

21. Data Limitations • Filling out a questionnaire over a 15-minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot • Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index) • Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”

22. Overview • 58 males • 82 females • Peak Baby Boomers • male median age -- 45 • female median age -- 43

24. Compersion Measures • Watching a partner being sexual with someone else • Being Watched by One’s Partner… • Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers • What happens when partner returns… • Impact of poly dating on home relationship • Change relationship agreements?

25. Compersion Index • 11 point scale • Median 9.12 • Only 7.9% less then 7. • Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in this survey

26. Survey Conclusions • Prior social, emotional and sexual independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory • Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner • Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.

27. Statistically Significant Correlations • Males more compersive than females • greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance • Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally • embrace poly ideology • Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently • more substantial inner life

28. Actualizing Compersion /Negotiating Jealousy • Developed Inner Life • masturbation, spirituality, meditation • Full Plate Life • busy with work, family, lovers • Extended Family of Choice • Believe in Poly Ideology • Celebrate Starling Relationships • There is not just one “one” • High Serotonin Uptake • Fears of Loss not actualized. • New loves did not displace/replace partners

29. The Polyamory Blur • Limit NRE elevating experiences • Reduces emotional spectrum • Embrace Compersive Thinking • Tolerate partners’ other loves • Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow motion. • Averts dramatic breakups / divorce • Engage in “Polyarmory” • Control partners’ activities • Avoid non-poly romantic engagements