The Electric Atmosphere of a Sports Event

1. A Sports Event – what makes this more engaging to read? Wide vocabulary – good use of abstract noun The electric atmosphere becomes tangible, the crowd erupts with pure elation at the sight of thirty men proudly wearing their colours: red and white; red and white; red and white and red and white. Thirty slow seconds tick by before three tiers of patriotic supporters sing in unison, a choir at their Saturday worship singing without even truly knowing the meaning. Without even knowing the language. One child, a bold painted dragon clawing around each cheek, attempts word after word in a language he only hears on the weekends. Dynamic verb used to make it more dramatic Use of repeated phrases give a sense of mass of colour Alliteration actually slows down the pace of writing Minor sentence used for emphasis Highlight Notes

2. Why are highlighted areas so engaging to read? Highlight the strengths of this writing – then press highlight button As the song slowly fades away and the other anthem begins, jeers and chants begin from the higher tier but explode like a fireball from the crowd below. The feel of elation dies swiftly and only tension is now evident on the reddened, flushed faces of middle aged men. The awkward silence lingers and the giants on the grass limber up; anxiety creeps from stand to stand, until every wide eye craves the same oval of leather. As soon as the ball whistles high into the skies and sails there, the game is already half over. The pristine white kit of the opposition is ominously fresh and uncreased; a commanding lead intact on away soil. Mouths already begin to savour the thought of victory. Highlight

3. Put these pieces of writing into a rank order Reveal D The anthem was really loud and the players were running about like crazy, the announcer was getting dead excited at this point and started almost screaming at the top of his voice: Try! The patriotic anthem begins to rally again, the headbanded back row raise tired heads. Sweat smokes from their jerseys in the cold early evening. ‘Will everyone in Stand Twelve ple…’ the announcer stops his appeal mid sentence - Wales are breaking back, pushing the English back…Williams on the ball…Still Williams…Still….. A The patriotic anthem started to raise higher in the stands as the players started to make inroads into enemy territory. The emotion in the announcer’s voice was reaching fever pitch as Wales were heading towards the try line. This was heaven for me! C Original features Varied structures Zoom-in detail

4. This is an excerpt from a D grade piece of descriptive writing on: A Shopping Centre on a Saturday afternoon. Find 5 ways to improve it and use the 3 elements below to help you… The shopping centre had never been so busy as it was the Saturday before Christmas. People were fighting over the last goods in Iceland. Argos was heaving with staff running round getting gifts, and anxious people waiting to get To the next shop. Staff in Debenhams were red in the face wanting to get undressed because the temperature was so high with all the people and work getting done. You could see so many women carrying too many bags and the tight marks this left around their fingers. Original features Varied structures Zoom-in detail

5. This is a good example – highlight the elements with highlighter or pen… The awkward sign stood proudly offering information that nobody even cared about. People only realised it was there when they were only a few inches away from stumbling into it. Murmurs of ‘watch out’ and the frustration of ‘why the hell is that there’ were common yet nobody would come and move it. Gift sets and ‘2 for 1 Offers’ screamed out from Boots but the shop was already packed. Hostile territory for any inexperienced shopper. The reality of how much people had spent had not kicked in. This could be seen in the bright zeal of the shoppers’ eyes. And their mouths. And their locomotive bodies. It was Christmas Reveal Original features Varied structures Zoom-in detail