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Enhancing Marriage: Overcoming Barriers to Oneness (Part 1)

Strengthen your marriage by exploring key Bible passages and discussing common relationship obstacles such as defensiveness and invalidation. Learn to communicate effectively and build harmony in your relationship for a deeper connection and understanding.

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Enhancing Marriage: Overcoming Barriers to Oneness (Part 1)

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  1. Marriage Enrichment Removing Barriers to Marriage and Oneness (Part 1)

  2. Prayer God, you instituted the marvelous union of marriage. When two come together in your name, we know that you have not joined them to frustrate them, but to bless them. Help us to follow your will for our lives, putting into practice the love with which you have filled us, so that we might be the blessing to our spouse that you intend. To that end, bless us this evening that our time together might be for the good of our marriages. Amen.

  3. Discuss as a couple the impact the Bible passages listed are to have for you in your marriage. (underline key phrases and words, and discuss why they are key) 3 minutes

  4. Times Up!

  5. Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

  6. James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

  7. Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

  8. John 16:33 In this world you will have trouble.

  9. Genesis 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Self-protection and the fear of rejection

  10. Max: (sarcastically) You’d think you could put the cap back on the toothpaste.Maria: (equally sarcastic) Oh, and you never forget to put it back?Max: As a matter of fact, I always put it back.Maria: Oh, I forgot just how compulsive you are. You are right, of course!Max: I don’t even know why I stay with you. You are so negative.Maria: Maybe you shouldn’t stay. Max: I’m not really sure why I do.

  11. Escalation • ___________________________ Synonyms or characteristics: Defensiveness; criticism; Naturally leads to… the harm of oneness because things are said that can’t be taken back

  12. Maria: (with a tear) You know, I am really frustrated by the hatchet job Bob did on my evaluation at work. Max: I don’t think it was all that critical. I would be happy to have an evaluation as positive as that from Fred. Don’t think about it. Maria: (with a sigh and turning away) You don’t get it. It really upset me. Max. I think you’re overreacting.

  13. Invalidation: Painful put-downs • ___________________________ Synonyms or characteristics: Contempt; disrespect; disgust; insult; condescending; attacks a person’s character (instead of behavior) Naturally leads to… covering up who you are and what you think because it’s too risky to be real.

  14. Write your answers to the following questions independently from your spouse. When you have finished, share with your spouse your perceptions (but don’t let it raise conflict). 4 minutes

  15. Times Up!

  16. Maria: We should start looking into plane tickets to go visit my parents this holiday season. Max: (thinking about their budget problem) I was wondering if we can really afford it this year. Maria: (in anger) My parents are very important to me, even if you don’t like them. I’m going to go. Max: I would like to go. I just don’t see how we can afford the tickets and pay for Joey’s orthodontist. Maria: You can’t be honest and admit you don’t want to go, can you? Just admit it, you don’t like my parents. Max: There’s nothing to admit. I’m thinking about money here, not your parents. Maria: That’s a convenient excuse.

  17. Negative Interpretations • ___________________________ Synonyms or characteristics: Mind reading; wrongful judging Naturally leads to… hopelessness and demoralization

  18. Maria: When are we going to talk about how you are handling your anger? Max: Can’t this wait? I have to get these taxes done. Maria: No, it can’t wait? Max: What’s to talk about, anyway? Maria: You have to get some help. You can’t just stick your head in the sand. Max: I’m not going to discuss anything with you when you are like this. Maria: Like what? It’s doesn’t matter if I am calm or frustrated – you won’t talk to me about anything that is important. Max: I’m going out to get some peace and quiet. Maria: I’m tired of you leaving when we are talking about something important. Max: I’m not talking, you are; actually, you’re yelling. See you later.

  19. Withdrawal and Avoidance • ___________________________ Synonyms or characteristics: Stonewalling; silent treatment; pour self into other things; shutting down; Naturally leads to… things getting worse because pursuer pursues more and withdrawer withdraws more

  20. Write your answers to the following questions independently from your spouse. When you have finished, share with your spouse your perceptions (but don’t let it raise conflict). 4 minutes

  21. Times Up!

  22. Short-Circuiting Escalation Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 1 Peter 3:8,9 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called Soften your __________ & put down your _________________. tone shield

  23. Short-Circuiting Escalation 1 Peter 5:5 All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another Acknowledge the other’s point of ____________. view

  24. Preventing Invalidation James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak _______! _______! ________! Listen Listen Listen

  25. Mark Gungor

  26. Preventing Invalidation James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak Acknowledge the other’s point of ____________. Demonstrate an acceptance of the other’s ______________. view feelings

  27. Preventing Invalidation 1 Peter 3:8,9 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called Give emphasis to _______________. Validation = ___________________________ validation simply means the one raising the concern is respected and heard. You don’t have to agree to validate one’s feelings.

  28. Battling Negative Interpretation 1 Corinthians 4:5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts Remember, we are not commanded to judge _____________________. motives

  29. Battling Negative Interpretation Luke 6:41-42 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Ask the Lord to remove the _________________ that might be in your own eye. speck

  30. Battling Negative Interpretation 1 Corinthians 13:5-7 [Love] keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Give your spouse the ____________ of the doubt. Ask yourself if your own interpretation might be overly _________________ benefit negative

  31. Avoiding Withdrawal Matthew 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? Realize that you are not ____________________ of one another. independent

  32. Avoiding Withdrawal Ephesians 4:25-27 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. ___________ __________ to change or prevent these kind of negative patterns. Work together

  33. Avoiding Withdrawal Colossians 3:14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Withdrawers are not likely to reduce avoidance unless pursuers pursue less or more constructively and gently. Pursuers are going to find it hard to cut back on pursuing unless withdrawers deal more directly with the issues at hand.

  34. Speaker-Listener Technique • XYZ Statements: Constructive Griping • Take Responsibility for Yourself • Devotion and Prayer 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. • Twelve Commandments of Caring Conflict

  35. Date Night Activity Date Night Devotion Marriage Enrichment Friday, February 1, 2019 – Removing Barriers to Marriage and Oneness (Part 2) TBA – Communication: A Key to a Great Marriage TBA – Connection: Completing a Great Marriage

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