1 / 14

Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages

Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages. Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP Spilman & Associates LLC Portland, OR www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187. Harsh Start-ups. Communication occurs in inverse proportion to the degree two people view themselves as adversaries. Harsh Start-ups.

gordy
Download Presentation

Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages

An Image/Link below is provided (as is) to download presentation Download Policy: Content on the Website is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use and may not be sold / licensed / shared on other websites without getting consent from its author. Content is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use only. Download presentation by click this link. While downloading, if for some reason you are not able to download a presentation, the publisher may have deleted the file from their server. During download, if you can't get a presentation, the file might be deleted by the publisher.

E N D

Presentation Transcript

  1. Harsh Start-ups & Incongruent Messages Jacob Spilman, LPC, LMFT, CEAP Spilman & Associates LLC Portland, OR www.jacobspilman.com (503) 227-3187

  2. Harsh Start-ups • Communication occurs in inverse proportion to the degree two people view themselves as adversaries. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  3. Harsh Start-ups • Gottman: Only 4% of communication that began with a harsh start-up was transformed into a positive outcome. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  4. Harsh Start-ups • How you communicate is as important as what you communicate. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  5. Harsh Start-Up • We usually think we are giving one message: I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  6. Harsh Start-Up • However, we talk using two modes of communication: Verbal Message I have a problem could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  7. Harsh Start-Up • This works when the verbal message and non-verbal messages are congruent. Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  8. Harsh Start-Up • What happens when the verbal and non-verbal messages are incongruent? Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  9. Harsh Start-Up • The receiver of the communication: • reacts to the emotional message. • too busy defending, misses the verbal message. Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  10. Harsh Start-Up • The receiver then gets defensive before they hear your request: Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I don’t have a problem, you have the problem. Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  11. Harsh Start-Up • The conversation just escalates: Verbal Message I have a problem, could you fix my flat tire? Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I don’t have a problem, you have the problem. Non-Verbal Message Verbal Message I just have a flat tire! You’re being a jerk! Non-Verbal Message Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  12. Get Congruent. • Identify and own your feelings: • “I’m really upset.” • “It’s not about you.” • “I just need to calm down before I talk.” • “I want to give you a straight message.” Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  13. Get Congruent: • Breath deeply and slowly through your belly. • Relax your muscles in your chest, arms & legs. • Keep describing and owning the upset until you are congruent with the message you wish to give. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

  14. Get Congruent. • Make your request simply. • We’re all five years old inside. Spilman & Associates LLC (503) 227-3187 www.jacobspilman.com

More Related