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GNOME-BODY GNOMES THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEN GNOME-BODY GNOMES BUT ME
GNOMES ARE LIES! DON’T TRUST THE GNOMES! Gnome-body believes how fatal gnomes really are.
Death by gnome 99.9% FATALITY
Confirmed Gnome Attack #1 Name: JanoshOnderdonk (“The Gnome Hunter”) Location: Holland Died: 1971 Death certificate says: Moose attack Gnomes Called Him: “Walking Death” “… I watched this man from Rotterdam eat leaves and dirt so that his breath smelled like the forest. He was obsessed with camouflaging his body, and said the gnomes were ‘tricksy killers.’ It was not uncommon, Janosh explained, for him to sit in a tree for days to wait for a conclave of gnomes to amass before he dropped to the ground to dispatch of them. He told stories of killing lawn gnomes with bullets, shovels, tree limbs, rocks and, on one occasion, some piano wire…” One month after the reporter’s article was published, Janosh was found face down, dead, in a wooded area near the Rotte River. His eviscerated midsection was the result of a “moose goring,” according to the local coroner, who, incidentally, owned several garden gnomes. Janosh’s followers have thrice unsuccessfully got the Holland legislature to enact a national holiday in his honor. Source: http://www.howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com
Confirmed GnomeAttack #2 Who: 126 Souls Crew Aboard National Airways Flight 4663 Where: Somewhere Over the Atlantic Died: 1999 Death certificates say: “Engine Failure” Gnomes Called the Event: “Our finest hour” 911 Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency? Caller: Help us! Sweet Jesus, help us please! 911 Dispatcher: What’s wrong? Caller: THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD! 911 Dispatcher: Where are you? Caller: The gnomes did it! The gnomes— All contact was lost with plane minutes after the call came in. Since the wreckage of Flight 4663 was never found, the aircraft’s flight data recorder* and cockpit voice recorder were not subject to review. Investigators deemed the crash “an unfortunate engine failure disaster.” But we are not so easily fooled. Those lawn gnomes did it. • Source: • http://www.howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com
TIPS THAT WILLSAVE YOUR LIFE Practice exiting from a first-story window: You may need to jump out when hunted by a hoard of gnomes. Memorize room layouts: Those things will cut the power during an assault. Keep a weapon in every room: So that every location provides you a fighting chance at survival. • Source: • http://www.howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com
4. Practice rising from bed in attack mode: Use one hand to reach for an illumination source (a flashlight) and the other to reach for a weapon. 5. Keep floors clear: The last thing you want is to be making a clean escape only to trip on Fido’s chew-toy. 6. Have a second bicycle: Garden gnomes always disable your car and bicycle before their large nighttime attack. You’ll need a second bike hidden away. 7. Don’t yell “Help”: Instead, yell “Call the Police.” 8. Install a panic button: Dialing 9-1-1 requires three pushes of a button and then a rationale explanation to the person on the other end of the line. A panic button requires a single press.
9. Dress in layers. A gnome blade or arrow has a harder time penetrating through several layers of clothes. 10. Memorize Morse code for SOS: You may need to bang out an emergency distress call on the water piping of your house to alert other family members! 11. DON’T PANIC! It excites them! 12: Never and I mean NEVER look a Gnome in the eyes. It only provokes and infuriates these killer figurines.
A PICTURE FROM ACTUAL SURVAILENCE FOOTAGE CAPTURING A GNOME ATTACK
