DV 101: What you need to know.

1. DV 101: What you need to know. Presented by Eastside Domestic Violence Program

2. Myth or Fact? • Abusers are violent in all of their relationships • Stress/drugs/alcohol cause domestic violence • 20% of men who abuse wives abuse children • DV occurs mainly in low-income populations • After a woman leaves her partner, abuse stops • It is easy for a woman to leave her abuser • Battering is a momentary loss of temper/control • Victims of domestic violence are co-dependant

3. What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence is the use of physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and/or economic abuse by one person in a current or former intimate relationship in order to maintain power and control over the other person. • Learned behavior • Patterned behavior - repeats and escalates • Coercive and targeted • Present in groups of all ages, races, sexual identities, religions, occupations, income and education levels

4. Why does domestic violence occur? • Domestic violence is predicated on societal inequalities and oppression. DV is not oppression in and of itself, but a tactic of oppression, and individuals who abuse their intimate partners gain their power from pre-existing forms of oppression. • Most forms of domestic violence are NOT a crime • Domestic violence OBJECTIFIES survivors. The “crime” of dv is not the act of battery/abuse, but the act of taking a person’s agency away – turning a person from a subject– a person who can act, make choices, experience reasonable consequences, reflect, and act again to an object – things that do not act, but are acted upon, removing someone’s right to make their own decisions.

5. What is Abusive Behavior? • Physical: Hitting, kicking, punching, biting, slapping. • Emotional/Verbal: Judging, criticizing, accusing and blaming, name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and trivializing. • Sexual Abuse: Treating someone like an object, sexual jokes, coercing them to do sexual acts against their will, and rape.

6. How to Identify DV • ICE: Intent, Context, Effect • Physical Evidence - injuries (bite marks, finger prints, shoe prints, bruises, re-occuring wounds) • Observation - How employee talks about life in the home? How do they talk about partner?

7. Power and Control Wheel

8. Cycle of Domestic Violence

9. Film Clips • Faith Trust Institute – www.faithtrustinstitute.org • Broken Vows • Wings Like a Dove • To Save a Life • Hear Their Cries • A Sacred Trust • Pastoral Care for Domestic Violence

10. Discussion Questions • How do you think our society perpetuates the belief that the man has a dominating role in the home and that it is the woman’s fault if all is not well? • How did the church/synagogue react when these survivors came for help? How might have their reactions been more supportive? • In what ways did their families and friends support the belief in male dominance?

11. Discussion Questions • What comments made by clergy in the video impacted your thinking about domestic violence the most? • Bettie’s husband use racism to justify his treatment of her. Bettie: “…he felt that he was oppressed as an African-American male in this society. He felt that it was…hard to get a job…and that partially it (domestic violence) was a fault of society.” What were the religious and secular responses to this claim?

12. DV Homicides • Access to firearms increases the risk of intimate partner homicide more than 5 times than in instances where there are no weapons. (US Dept. of Justice, 2003) • Nearly one-third of all women murdered in the United States in recent years were murdered by a current or former partner . (U.S. Dept. of Justice, 2003) • Risk of homicide initially increases by 75% when a woman leaves the abusive relationship.(DV Sourcebook 1995). • Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause. (Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001)

13. Youth and Dating Violence • Women age 16-24 experience the highest per capita rate of domestic violence. (US Dept. of Justice, 2003) • Approximately 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. (Journal of American Medical Association, 2001) • In a study of young mothers on public assistance, half (51 percent) reported experiencing birth control sabotage by a dating partner. (Center for Impact Research, 2000)

14. Impact of DV • Health Care The costs of intimate partner violence exceed $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health care services(Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 2003). • Welfare Studies consistently show that at least 50-60 percent of women receiving welfare have experienced physical abuse by an intimate partner (Journal of Social Issues, 2000).

15. Impact of DV • Homelessness Ninety-two percent of homeless women have experienced severe physical and/or sexual assault at some point in their lives (Journal of American Medical Women’s Association, 1998). Victims and Survivors of domestic violence have trouble finding apartments because they may have poor credit, rental, and employment histories as a result of their abuse (National Center on Poverty Law, 2000).

16. Impact of DV • Children – Statistics: • In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children (“Physical Violence in American Families; Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families,” 1990). • The U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse suggests that domestic violence may be the single major precursor to child abuse and neglect fatalities in this country (U.S. Advisory Board, 1995).

17. Impact of DV • Children: • Behavioral • Emotional • Physical • Learning difficulties • Repeating patterns of abuse in their own relationships

18. Immigration Status No or Limited English Societal Pressures Religious Values Family Discouragement Economics Hope Nowhere to Go Children Emotional Investment Isolation Danger Fear (Lethality 75%) Addictions Why does she stay?

19. Why doesn’t she speak out? • Embarrassment/shame • Fear of retaliation • Lack of trust in others • Economic dependence • Desire to keep family together • Unaware of alternatives • Lack of support system • Systems barriers

20. Warning Signs • Wants you to spend all of your time with him or to "check in" and let him know where you are • Wants to get serious too soon • Throws things at you – “just playing” • Tells you how to dress, act, or think • Makes all of the decisions • Follows you around • Accuses you of flirting with others • Threatens suicide if you break up • Plays mind games or makes you feel guilty • Loses temper frequently over little things • Doesn’t allow you to go out with your friends • Refuses to take responsibility for actions; blames you, drugs, alcohol, his boss, parents, etc. for his behavior • Makes you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace

21. Misconceptions About Church Teachings and Scripture “Abuse is my cross to bear.” - Jesus chose His cross, and He bore it for our sake. A woman does not choose to be abused, and no one is “helped” in any way by her being abused.

22. Misconceptions About Church Teachings and Scripture “The Bible says I have to submit to my husband (Eph. 5:22).” • Reading the whole passage (Eph. 5:21-33), we see that wives and husbands must submit to each other equally, and that husbands must treat their wives with love and respect (Eph. 5:33). • YOU ARE NOT TREATING YOUR PARTNER WITH LOVE AND RESPECT IF YOU ARE insulting, humiliating, pushing, shoving, making fun of, criticizing, using anger to coerce sex, treating your partner as a servant, not petitioning for your partner’s immigration status,blaming your partner for your anger, threatening to harm self or family through words or actions, minimizing the abuse, using the children to blame, getting back, or getting even

23. Misconceptions About Church Teachings and Scripture “The Bible says I have to forgive my abuser (Mt.6:9-15).” Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the offense, nor does it mean that we must expose ourselves to danger. Rather, it allows us to let go of a bad experience and move on with our lives, in recognition that we do not need to tolerate abuse against ourselves or others.

24. Misconceptions About Church Teachings and Scripture “I can’t leave my abusive spouse, because the Church teaches that it is a sin.” A spouse who endangers their partner’s or their children’s soul or body, or makes life difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave… (Canon Law 1153 §1)

25. Implications for Pastors and Chaplains • Some common responses are unhelpful and can sometimes make the situation worse: • Questions NOT to ask: • Why don’t you just leave? • What did you do to make him/her angry? • Why do you go back? • Couples counseling is not an appropriate or safe option. • Anger management classes is not an appropriate solution • Individual therapy for the abusive partner is not recommended

26. Implications for Pastors and Chaplains • Survivors are the experts in their situations; they will choose when to disclose, and need to be allowed to make their own choices. • Create and environment and practices that are supportive of domestic violence victims and protect the family members who are being negatively impacted. • Your responses will let the survivor know you are available as a support and for resources.

27. Things you can say: • This is not your fault. • No one deserves to be treated this way. • I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. • Do you want to talk about it? • I am concerned about your safety (and that of your children). • Help is available to you.

28. Thank you for your attention! Questions? Contact Sarah Steininger: 425-562-8840 ext. 215 Contact EDVP’s Crisis Line: 425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840