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Hearts and Bones

Medical Marriage making yours better. Dr. Lil Miedzinski Dr. Vincent Hanlon.

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Hearts and Bones

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  1. Medical Marriage making yours better Dr. Lil Miedzinski Dr. Vincent Hanlon 🎼 Hearts and Bones 🎶 Paul Simon

  2. 1.877.767.4637

  3. Physician Relationships

  4. little to disclose

  5. Learning Objectives • Understand why physician relationships are at risk for difficulty. • Recognize some of the warning signs of troubled relationships. • Consider a few strategies that may improve the health of our relationships.

  6. Is this topic worth an hour of our lives? for you your partner your relationship?

  7. Gratitude

  8. In our intimate relationships • Recall one characteristic that you value about your partner/spouse/good friend • In one word • Got an example of that characteristic?

  9. Intimacy • affection, companionship • trusting each other • sexuality • feeling honoured by our partner • a sense of connection, feeling understood • identifying as a couple • autonomy within the relationship

  10. Love is blind— marriage is the eye opener. Pauline Thomason

  11. Marriages are made in heaven but lived on earth. George Herbert 1593-1633

  12. ARLS Pretest • Best predictor of a happy relationship: a. sex life b. kids [or no kids] c. postal code d. after tax income/average BMI e. other [see previous slide on intimacy]

  13. ARLS Pretest Of all couples in Canada marrying in 1990, what proportion will divorce by 2020? a. 20% b. 30% c. 40% d. 75%

  14. ARLS Pretest Of all couples in Canada marrying in 1990, what proportion will divorce by 2020? a. 20% b. 30% c. 40% d. 75%

  15. ARLS Pretest • Divorce rate among physicians is a. lower than the general population [gp] b. same as the gp c. 10-20% higher than the gp d. 20-30% higher than the gp

  16. Marriagest Divorces

  17. Why marriages breakup Falling out of love 27% Extramarital affair 25% Unreasonable behaviour 17% Mid-life crisis 10%

  18. 1289 calls to PFSP in 2011

  19. The legacy of medical education • By omission and commission, the training of medical students and residents devalues emotion and the importance of love in the hearts of its students. Myers & Gabbard, 2008

  20. What MDs bring to marriage • compulsiveness • perfectionism • our way of doing things • emotional detachment • workaholism, “psychology of postponement” • loss of playfulness/humour Sotile & Sotile, 2000

  21. Common complaints of couples • “Trouble communicating” • Frequent arguments • Role strain in female & male physicians • Disagreements over children, parents • Loss of intimacy (less frequently: sexual difficulties)

  22. Common complaints of couples • Verbal abuse (less frequently: physical violence) • Infidelity • Alcohol misuse • Lack of time together • Physical or psychiatric illness

  23. Common complaints of couples • Ethno-cultural issues of IMGs • Intermarriage • Second marriages & blended families • Financial worries, status anxiety • Retirement challenges Myers, M & Gabbard, G. 2008. The Physician as Patient.

  24. Warning signs • Bored or lonely? Not valued? • Unresolved, recurring arguments? • Silent resentment? • Passive-aggressive behaviour? Indifference? • More work, no play? No sex? • More alcohol? • Prefer to be somewhere else? [Myers, 2004]

  25. Complicating Circumstances • Working rural/lack of replacement coverage • Working in especially demanding branches of medicine or practice situations • Paying down debt/end of training feelings of entitlement • Two or more families to support • Extended families offshore Myers, 2001

  26. The way ahead

  27. Ain’t no cure for love.

  28. John Gottman

  29. What do we do? • As individuals, as a profession • Prevention, promotion, treatment

  30. The profession • As practitioners and teachers when and where do we devalue or honor our important relationships? • Continue the health conversations • hours of work, accommodations, protected time for family and partner, measures of success

  31. The individual &the couple • Allow ourselves to be cared for without needing to dictate or control that care. • Practice ways to show up and pay attention to our relationships—daily conversation, vacation, dates, celebrations, marital enrichment.

  32. What surprised me? What inspired me? What touched my heart? Rachel Remen

  33. WAIT

  34. Day by day • Daily communications: BID • Prepare and eat food together • Set boundaries between work/not work

  35. Day by day • Be able to gear up and gear down • Turn the techno-telecom down or off • Respect partner’s time, activities, work

  36. When the going gets tough • Include FD for both physical and mental health issues (burnout, anxiety, depression, alcohol overuse). • Seek professional help early [PFSP].

  37. In our intimate relationships • Recall one characteristic that you value about your partner/spouse/good friend • Mention that to your partner—today

  38. Resource list Gottman JM and DeClaire. 2001. The Relationship Cure. New York: Three Rivers Press. See also http://www.gottman.com. Balancing your life at work and home. 2009. American Society of Clinical Oncology. jop.ascopubs.org. 253-255. Maier, DB. 2007. Get early assistance for relationship challenges. Alberta Doctors’ Digest. Sept/Oct. Available at http://www.albertadoctors.org under PFSP Resources for Physician Health. Munro, Alice. 2009. My Best Stories. Toronto: Penguin. Hill, Monica. 2011. Relationships: What works for physicians? Alberta Doctors’ Digest. March/Apr. Available at http://www.albertadoctors.org under PFSP Resources for Physician Health. Myers, MF. 2001. The well-being of physician relationships. Western Journal of Medicine. 174: 30-3. Sotile, WM and Sotile, MO. 2000. The Medical Marriage. Chicago: American Medical Association.

  39. The Unexpected Benefits ofShowing Up • Organic Dark Chocolate with Crystallized Ginger Pieces • Original Daylilies postcard—free delivery worldwide • The Relationship Cure by John Gottman + OMA Micro-mints • Rwanda Cafe Feminino • The Guardian Weekly • The Progress of Love by Alice Munro Evaluations please The Winner kd lang

  40. Whose Gonna Miss You? Danny Michel

  41. Career Ecosystem Personal Professional Organizational Taken from G. Hirsch, MD

  42. Title • Text

  43. General Principles • Attend to our relationships • find ways to “show up” • how do we support each other • Practice incremental change • Go where the meaning is

  44. Life changing Ultimate happiness Reinvent the body 7 keys to joy plus MUCH MORE! Resurrect the soul

  45. People are anxious to save up financial means for old age; they should also be anxious to prepare a spiritual means for old age. Wisdom, maturity, tranquility do not come all of a sudden when we retire. Abraham Joshua Heschel

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