Elizabeth V. Roberts PsyD NYU Child Study Center New York Hackensack aboutourkids

1. Back to school: Fostering social competence in young children Elizabeth V. Roberts PsyD NYU Child Study Center New York Hackensack www.aboutourkids.org

2. Fostering social competence • Features of parenting • The skills of socially competent children • How do we teach those • Why does this matter • Features of childhood friendship • Strategies

3. Parenting styles • Authoritarian Low in nurturance High in parental control • Permissive Moderate-to-high in nurturance Low in parental control • Authoritative High in nurturance Moderate in parental control (Diana Baumrind)

4. High nurturance • affectionate • friendly • consideration for feelings • interest in his activities • respective for child’s point of view • expression of pride in child’s accomplishments • support and encouragement in time of stress • …but we’re only human.

5. Moderate in control • Set a behavioral standard • Importance of compliance with those standards • Offer reasons and explanations • Positive reinforcers • Discipline: both sides are stated, a just solution is sought, consequence oriented discipline Advantage of focusing child’s attention on the plight of the victim rather than child’s plight at the hands of an angry parent • Avoid extreme forms of punishment • Tag team when you are tired

6. Parents… Guiding versus controlling Protecting versus letting go Instructing versus engaging Kids… Being me versus fitting in with the group Going along versus asserting your will Enjoying myself versus enjoying being with others Dynamic Tensions All of us: Enjoying the mystery versus knowing and understanding, monitoring myself versus being spontaneous

7. Your self-awareness as a parent • Is this about my child or about me? something about me in the present? about correcting a perceived injustice or hurt to me in my own childhood ? • What is at stake here and if it is not about my child’s development, figure this out

8. What are we trying to teach?

9. Skills of socially competent children • Read peers’ emotions • Respond to peers emotions • Clear communication style Say the other child’s name Make eye contact Touch child they intend to address Reply appropriately vs. ignoring, changing subject, irrelevant comment • DO reject others but more likely to offer a reason or suggest alternatives: “No, we played that yesterday” or “No, let’s play Spider Man instead.”

10. Other thinking, but also self-thinking • Is this making me feel good • How do I usually act in this situation, with this person, do I need to pay attention to anything in particular • Without awareness, there will be no development, change

12. Why does this matter?

13. Less conflict, more fun • Friendships: confidence, learning, stress buffer • More cooperative imaginative play • Think about yourself, your friends and co-workers in group projects. What qualities would you like to teach your child • “Soft skills” better predictors of earnings and higher educational achievement than good grades and high test scores. (Christy Lleras, U. Illinois professor of human and community development)

14. How we teach • Modeling • Positive expectations “I think you are going to use good control at this pool party. How do you think you are going to do that?” • Active listening, reflection, interpretation • Teaching pattern thinking “This reminds me of the time you and Susie got into an argument about the chocolate sprinkles.” “ You handled that fire drill really well. I think you are really good in emergencies.” Last time Sam was here you were really good at choosing an activity together.” “This is kind of like Jane’s party. You were worried about the clown. What happened?”

15. Modeling interest in the other • Most powerful • Pick a time when you can focus • Put yourself (email, worries, to do list) in a drawer for 5 minutes • Move yourself into his world. • Memorize key facts: names, places, schedule. Shows you care. • Ask simple questions. Open-ended may not work. How was school vs. What did you do in art class? Who is at your table? Was that fun?

16. Social 101: People love attention

17. Teaching children to be social detectives • What do you think Miss Casey likes? • What does Billy like to play? • What did you guys play last time • What does Billy like to do at recess? • What do YOU have the most fun doing with Billy? Does he like that too?

18. Teach looking at faces, body language, tone of voice • Look at Alison’s face. Do you think she likes it when you poke her? • I see from your face that you are feeling a little uncertain right now. • Look at my face, what am I thinking? • Look at those two over there, do you think they are arguing or telling a joke? • Ben, I don’t think Tom understands why you don’t want to play store. Can you tell him why? Can you tell him what else you could do together

19. Labeled praise for social skills • I like the way you shared your toy. • I like the way you asked for what you needed. • I like the way you ignored Sam when he teased you. • I like the way you introduced yourself. • I like the way you invited Caroline to join you.

20. Instead of… You and Katie aren’t connecting anymore. I think we should find some new friends. Think of… I see that you and Katie aren’t spending as much time together. Why do you think that is? Collaborate: Ask, don’t tell..

21. Teach and model our moral compass

22. Friendships in childhood • More transient in early grades • Sensitive to development changes • Differences emerge and disappear rapidly • Scan for changes • Gently guide your child to use critical thinking: Is this working for me?

23. Changes that can result in a sudden mismatch and disconnect • Play interests • Interest in imaginative play versus building, doing • Gross motor coordination, physical size • Dress • Language • Gender style: interest in traditionally feminine versus traditionally masculine activities and ways of being • Interest in being with same gender versus other gender

24. Instead of… Don’t bring Oscar the Grouch to Joe’s house, you’ll humiliate yourself. Take off those Spider Man sweats! You’ll be the laughing stock. Think of… What does Joe like to do? Do you think Joe is interested in Oscar the Grouch? What do you and Joe have the most fun doing together? You know I see that Jack is really into Bionicals now. Is there anyone in your class who really likes Legos like you ? When you perceive a mismatch

25. Strategies

26. Art and science to finding our friends • Chess club or soccer team • Younger is okay. Younger is better than isolation • Opposite gender is fine too • 1-2, small group, large group. Which works • Loft, tent, large box=creating smaller groupings in a large group • Think out of the box

27. Prep work: Looking together at …. • What do you think you two will do? • How did it go the last time you two were together? • What was fun about that? • Which goes better, two kids or three? • Was there anything that didn’t go well? • Hmm. How can we avoid that happening this time?

28. When there is conflict • With or without coaching, can your child handle this alone • Discuss with a friend or your spouse before intervening • Consider risks and benefits to your child of intervening, social fall-out • Parent to parent, child to child

29. Balancing me time and family time with peer time • Control screen time • Down time for play allows for renewal, enjoyment of self • Family time: young children in kindergarten are still much more focused on nuclear family, moving outward happens very gradually.

30. Back to the mystery Our dynamic tensions. Accepting and rejoicing in the mystery. People come, people leave, sometimes they come back. Sometimes I want to approach, sometimes I don’t. Face the light.

31. Relax, use your instincts, enjoy Thank you!